7 problems every couple faces

Family therapists talk about typical challenges that any couple faces and how to overcome them.

1. You will understand that your partner cannot be everything to you all at once.

We expect a lot from a partner. A soul mate, a best friend now and forever, an adviser in our careers and finances, a sexual partner, a companion in raising children — in a word, he should be everything to us. But alas, no real person can handle so many roles, states St. Louis therapist Angela Skurtu: “All our needs must be met by different people, including ourselves. For example, if you are an extrovert and your partner is an introvert, then most likely your circle of friends is much wider than his. This does not mean that you cannot sometimes go somewhere together. But you will also need other companions so that you can satisfy your need for communication.

2. Even a smartphone can become a stumbling block

When you first started dating, the phone was a useful intermediary between you. You kept calling back, exchanging messages, photos. “But the longer you’re together, the more likely your smartphone is to get in the way of your relationship,” says Andrea Wachter, a psychotherapist in Northern California. “In these days, when a significant part of our life is spent in the virtual space, it is very easy to miss the real connection that arose at the beginning of our life together.”

Show your partner that live communication is more important to you than virtual. When you get home in the evening, put your phone away and say that you want to chat without any devices. “Try to understand what your partner will say. Since it is important for him to share something with you, then his words deserve your full attention.

3. Sex won’t always be great.

It is worth preparing for the fact that sex will sometimes be disappointing. There are various reasons for this. Our libido changes over time. Our daily schedules may not match. One of us can be constantly busy … As a result, one or both will not have time for sex. To overcome this problem in intimate relationships, Wachter advises paying special attention to tactile contact, which does not necessarily have to lead to sex.

“Lack of intimacy is often the result of deeper problems. It is better to stop thinking about sex as the main goal and start with simpler contact — holding hands, kissing, giving each other massages. When you treat your partner like a friend and take the time to get to know them better in every way, the chances that you will be able to rekindle the spark of love and desire increase.”

4. Not all relationship goals will be achieved.

Most likely, when your romance was in its infancy, you already had some ideas about what a loving couple is. You thought that you would never be apart for more than three days, or you intended to learn the language of love that your partner “speaks” in order to achieve harmony with him.

Great goals, but it’s better to be aware that not all of your ideas about the «right» relationship will come true, warns Laurel Steinberg, sexologist and family therapist, adjunct professor at Columbia University. «It’s okay, but some of your expectations will even be exceeded.» As Steinberg says, these expectations are best treated as something desirable, not vital.

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5. Your partner will not get rid of bad habits

Remember how pissed you got when she first slept with you and there was a clump of her hair in the shower drain? In an ideal world, it would be enough to explain once, well, two, that this is unpleasant for you, and she would stop doing it. “But we do not live in an ideal world. This means that we have to put up with some unpleasant habits of the spouse, ”explains psychologist and sexologist from Southern California Stephanie Buehler. She gives an example from her own experience: “My husband and I have been together for 30 years. In the morning he likes to eat a banana and leaves the peel in the sink. At the same time, he taught me for a long time to throw tea bags in the trash, and not in the sink — it infuriated him. I heeded his requests, he did not mine. In such cases, we just need love and understanding. Sometimes I remind him what he should do with the peel, but more often I just take it and throw it away myself. That’s what marriage is.»

6. There will be a money issue between you

The Beatles were wrong when they said, «All you need is love.» As family therapist Amanda Deverich of Williamsburg, Va., says, you still need to learn how to navigate the turbulent sea of ​​finance together. “Based on my experience, I can say that financial stress is the main cause of depression in men. And because of depression, one partner often moves away from the other, and as a result, it becomes more difficult for the couple to solve problems together.

So be a team and deal with finances together, emphasizes Deverich. If one of the partners is responsible for the money, the balance will be disturbed, and they will move away from each other.

7. Monogamy is a challenge

Be faithful — this task will require serious effort. Sooner or later, both of you will inevitably feel attracted to other people and feel tempted to change, either emotionally or physically. “Infidelity happens more often than we think,” says Stephanie Buhler. “It’s important to remember that while being faithful is hard, it’s worth it. If you both want it.»

It makes sense to talk openly about the topic of fidelity, because monogamy limits us and it’s really not quite natural to our nature. “On the other hand, it’s just as unnatural to drive to work every morning,” the psychologist smiles. “But we do it anyway, because it gives us certain advantages – just like monogamy.”

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