For most women, pregnancy is a happy time in anticipation of motherhood. They represent the unborn child and the new life that will begin with his birth. But not everyone waits for this moment: someone has to face the pain of losing an unborn child. How to support in such a situation, what words will help, and what will be completely useless? Psychologist Olga Mazurkevich explains.
Happiness is a fragile substance. Today, a woman is overwhelmed with joy from the realization that she is pregnant and will soon become a mother. She radiates magical light, energy, love and happiness. But trouble may come tomorrow. Dry statement of the fact of fetal fading, spontaneous pathological termination of pregnancy. The child is no more.
Pain and despair burst into a woman’s life and turn it into hell. The ground is slipping from under your feet. There is nothing but inner cold emptiness and grief. Hospital. Department of gynecology. Fetal scraping operation, dozens of unfortunate faces. Calls from husband, relatives, friends, colleagues. Sympathy, attempts to support. Words of consolation pierce the heart, causing terrible pain and suffering.
What’s wrong, why do supportive phrases hurt? “I felt like I was under an asphalt skating rink. The bones are crushed, the body is flattened and lifeless. I am crushed, ”this is how women who have lost a child feel.
They are told on-duty phrases of support, but through the pain of loss, a woman hears and perceives words differently, they do not help. What should not be said and how to replace the usual and stereotyped words of consolation?
Show that she is not alone in her grief and has the right to feelings
1. «What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.» And who said that at this moment a woman feels alive? And how can the death of an unborn child make you stronger, give strength? A monstrous phrase for a man who has lost his future and himself. There is no strength in inner emptiness. Say, “I sympathize with you, your loss. I’m very sorry this happened to you. I’m near. We’ll get through it together.»
2. «You are strong, you can handle it.» Strong people are people, not robots without feelings and emotions. A vulnerable soul is always hidden under the thickness of the armor. Saying this phrase, you seem to not allow a woman to be weak, you offer to hide pain and emotions, not to show them to anyone. Don’t be cruel and let the woman be weak and grief come out. Show that she is not alone in her grief and has the right to feelings.
Say, “How can I help you? If you want to talk about what happened, I’m ready to listen and be there for as long as it takes.
3. «Hold on!» And what to hold on to if the earth is gone from under your feet and there is darkness around? How to hold on if the whole body is crippled? “Keep your pain in yourself, no one needs it” — this is what a woman hears at the moment of mourning. This is one of those phrases that fill a pause when they don’t know what to say. But then it’s better to just remain silent. You can just hug her and honestly say: “I don’t know what to say. It’s hard for me to imagine your pain. I’m with you. I’m near».
4. «Nothing, everything passes, this too will pass.» Yes, the rain fell and passed, autumn changes summer, but even a mild cold needs to be treated so as not to get a complication. This is a harsh and derogatory phrase. She seems to be saying that death, the loss of an unborn child is “nothing”, empty, without value and meaning, not deserving of suffering, regret, tears and attention.
Show the woman that she is not alone, there are loving, caring and caring people nearby. Say, “What happened is terrible. I want to share your pain. Let me be there. What can I do for you?»
5. «Time heals.» It’s hard to argue with this. Over time, physical pain subsides, wounds stop bleeding, scarring. Let the woman mourn, cry out the pain. Be there to help me get through this terrible time.
Joint pleasant memories, plans — everything will benefit. Ask: “What do you feel? What scares you? Conscious, named aloud feelings will no longer be so «sharp». Voiced fears lose their destructive power.
Help the woman get through this and learn to trust the world again. Don’t step back to protect yourself
6. «We must live on.» Who needs? Why, why, if the world collapsed? To live means to feel yourself, your presence in the world, to learn new things, to desire and strive for the best. How to live if «I am crushed»? Become a temporary guide, reach out and lead the woman through the dark tunnel to the light. Give her life back. Don’t leave alone for too long. Offer help, show participation: “Let’s go to the park together tomorrow. On the weekend I will cook your favorite dumplings. On Sunday the opening of the exhibition, I will come and we will go together. Let’s watch a movie Thursday night with your favorite Julia Roberts.»
7. “Well, how much can you cry? It’s time to calm down.» I know how painful it is to see the tears of a loved one, a loved one, and to understand that you can’t change anything. Tears are cleansing, they are an integral part of living grief. Pain, fear, resentment and longing come out with them — all those emotions that accompany grief. Let the woman react feelings, cry: “If you want to cry, cry. Don’t hold back your tears. Don’t hide your feelings.» Take the hand, join the woman in her experiences.
Perinatal loss, the death of an unborn child is the pain of a broken dream, a lost future, an unborn mother. Help the woman get through this and learn to trust the world again. Don’t step back to protect yourself. Fill a woman’s life with small pleasant moments that will give strength to heal the soul and body.