Contents
No one is immune from unpleasant conversations. Offensive words can come from the lips of relatives, a loved one, work colleagues, friends and complete strangers. Often we are lost and do not know what to say in response.
Psychologist and psychotherapist Zoya Bogdanova talks about how to respond to such situations and get out of them with dignity.
The boundaries of personal space
Each of us has an inviolable personal space. This notion refers not only to the physical distance we allow others, but also to matters that concern only us and no one else. So if you do not want to discuss certain aspects of your life, then without any remorse you can not do this.
Of course, choosing this path, you will have to face certain difficulties. Unfortunately, there is a belief that any person can express value judgments, thus showing “care”. People are sure that they can intrude into someone else’s personal space, evaluate, condemn, neglecting the feelings of others. Behind the mask of concern, most often lies the desire to hook, assert oneself, express one’s own opinion regarding what is happening.
When unpleasant questions are asked without malicious intent
It happens that the interlocutor simply does not understand that he is asking an incorrect question. Men especially sin with this, not thinking about the fact that for girls some words may sound insulting. For instance:
– What is your clothing size?
If you are sure that the interlocutor asked you about something without malicious intent, explain to him that such questions hurt your feelings and are unacceptable for you. Be polite and don’t get personal. To the question about the size of clothes, you can answer:
“In general, girls should not ask such questions. You can find out everything much more tactfully. When you bring your coat, look at the tag.
Или:
– It’s too early to pick up a wedding dress. Delay with this!
With the systematic “bombardment” of unpleasant questions
If a person regularly asks provocative questions, one must understand that the problems that lie in his unconscious speak for him. In fact, the spiteful critic is tormented by well-defined pain points. For instance:
– Why don’t you have children? The clock is ticking!
There can be many reasons for such a question: early pregnancy, infertility, problems in the intimate sphere.
But your task is not to look for the roots of other people’s problems, but to fight back and not allow them to enter your personal territory. It is necessary to return a person to the border that he crossed.
Can answer:
Why do you think you can ask such personal questions?
Или:
“This is our private matter, which I will not discuss with you.
When unpleasant questions are used as a way of self-affirmation
Sometimes people ask questions like this to experience the satisfaction of knowing that they managed to put the interlocutor below themselves. It hurts their self-esteem.
– Oh, you’ve lost so much weight! What, sick?
In this case, it is important to keep cool. It’s best to answer a question with a question:
– Are you a doctor? What makes you think I’m sick?
Или:
– Do you want to lose weight too?
Effective Behavior Model: General Tips
When answering uncomfortable and incorrect questions, it is important to strike a balance. On the one hand, to protect yourself from attacks and prevent a repetition of the situation. On the other hand, do not answer too harshly, do not insult or humiliate the interlocutor in response, this will only provoke the manifestation of aggression in him.
If the question really touched you, you should count to 20 and only then answer. Try not to raise your tone: don’t give your opponent a chance to enjoy the knowledge that he hit you. When rebuffed, such a person will try to resort to manipulation to make you feel guilty:
– Why are you immediately offended, I didn’t mean anything bad (a)!
Other favorite phrases: “Why are you immediately offended? Why are you hiding from me?”
To this you can answer:
– I say without offense that you have crossed (a) personal boundaries. We can talk about something else.
Remember that no one has the right to invade your personal space and ask incorrect questions under the guise of friendly participation or simple curiosity. You and only you decide with whom and in what form you share the details of your life.
About the Developer
Zoya Bogdanova – psychologist, psychotherapist.