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Every child is born with high self-esteem. He knows what he wants and has infinite faith in himself and in life. For what happens to his self-esteem later, parents are largely responsible. Don’t Program Your Child, Roberta Cavallo and Antonio Panarese, authors warn against venomous remarks that undermine children’s self-confidence.
Many parents think that self-esteem can be built from scratch by complimenting the child, developing in him the desire to achieve success, praising only for the excellent results that the parent expects. In fact, a child is born with a high level of self-esteem, which is destroyed by improper upbringing, constant expectation of results and encouragement of competition. As a result, children grow up into adults who live in constant tension, insecure, seeking approval and endlessly trying to seem like someone else instead of being themselves.
Instead of resorting to banal excuses like “the coach/teacher is to blame”, ask yourself: how do my words, actions and emotions reflect on my child’s self-esteem? Is he really a shy child? Is he really ashamed of something? Is he sure he doesn’t understand?
“Yes, a child has an innate character, but parents, with their words and actions, largely shape his fate, and hence his self-esteem,” explain psychologists Roberta Cavallo and Antonio Panarese. “Words are especially powerful. On the one hand, they reflect the feelings, moods, habits and way of thinking of the one who pronounces them. On the other hand, they are fixed in the mind of the child, and he begins to use them automatically.
We have selected seven of the most typical parenting phrases from their book that destroy a child’s self-esteem and make him insecure. Each phrase is followed by a description of its effect on the child, and then an antidote for it, that is, options for replacing the “poisonous” phrase with a positive and / or harmless one.
1. «Are you stupid?!»
What does the child feel?
«Ouch! And I thought I was smart… But if you say that, then I have doubts… How humiliating… How sad… I disappointed you… So something is wrong with me and I’m really stupid.
Antidote:
Nobody is dumb. What does this word actually mean to you? Before you do anything, try to understand what it was about the child that pissed you off so much that you could not help calling him stupid (although you don’t really consider him that way, we’re sure of it).
Options for suitable phrases: “I know that you didn’t say / didn’t do it on purpose”, “What is not clear to you? What didn’t you understand?”, “Do you want me to repeat?” It is better to question your ability to express yourself clearly than the intelligence of a child. Help him deal with the difficulty instead of judging.
2. «Now stop it!»
What does the child feel?
“Yes, what did I do?! Why don’t you try to understand me?..” Or: “I just wanted a little attention…” Or: “I didn’t on purpose…”
Antidote:
Watch what’s happening. Think about what motivates the child to behave in this way. Try to control yourself.
Variants of suitable phrases: “You don’t want to? What are we going to do?”, “Your sister must have made you very angry because you pulled her hair so hard! Come here, tell me what happened…”
3. “Yes, what do you even understand about this ?!”
What does the child feel?
“I understand something… In my own way, but I understand… But, of course, if you tell me that, then I really don’t understand anything…”
(Remember that for a child, your words are the truth. Children do not perceive metaphors, and if you call a child a fool, he will think of himself that way, because you say it — his authority, starting point and source of love.)
Antidote:
Let the child speak. Do not judge or comment on his words. He is a child and will never say or do anything stupid. Come down from the pedestal (you yourself are not perfect either!) and see how much effort it takes for a child to grow up and express his thoughts without allowing himself to be silenced.
Options for suitable phrases: “Speak, honey, I’m listening to you”, “Tell me what you think”, “Ah, I see! So, you think that … ”(and do not think that he is talking nonsense — the child feels it). Take every word he says seriously.
4. «I bet you can’t do anything?»
What does the child feel?
“A great start… If this is what the person who should inspire confidence in me says… You don’t believe in me, which means I’m worthless and incapable of anything… I agree with you. I won’t be able to do anything.»
Antidote:
And why should it suddenly fail? Options for suitable phrases: “Try”, “Try again … Calmly … It will definitely work out”, “Um … What do you think went wrong? What needs to be done to make it work?
5. «What a nightmare!»
What does the child feel
“I was just playing! This is not a nightmare! This is creativity! Or: “How embarrassing!.. How humiliating! And I thought… I had so much fun!.. Did I disappoint you?! You can’t try new things, that’s bad. Making mistakes is bad, and “nightmare” is also bad.”
Antidote
Do you really think this is a nightmare? A nightmare is an atomic bomb, children working in mines in Bolivia, misunderstanding and infantilism of adults, but certainly not felt-tip pens scattered on the floor, a broken glass, spilled water or soiled clothes.
Options for suitable phrases: “How can we clean everything now?”, “How can we fix everything?”, “Did you have fun? Come here, I’ll give you something to change into”, “Wow, how many felt-tip pens! Collect / let’s collect together!”, “Do you like pouring water? Don’t do it on the table! Come here, I’ll give you a bowl and plastic cups.»
6. «Okay, enough … I’ll do everything myself, so quickly»
What does the child feel?
“Oh… I’m too slow… I’m good for nothing… I make everyone waste time…”
Antidote:
“Try… Try again… Don’t worry. I’ll wait». And yes, it is better to start doing everything in advance. Being organized and having a good time reserve is a ninja weapon that every parent should own. It often feels like there really isn’t time. We assure you that a few minutes spent showing respect for the pace of the child will not lead to a significant delay, and you will certainly be able to catch up.
Variant of a suitable phrase: “While you are busy, I will start the laundry. Call me if you need me.»
7. «Nothing good will come of him!»
What does the child feel?
“But I believe in myself … but you know better … so I have to change my mind about myself … Besides, I don’t want to argue with you … I will try not to disappoint you, do as you say, and become mediocre. Now I will act to my own detriment to prove you right!
Antidote:
Try to never say this phrase. Make a list of the child’s positive qualities and focus on them.
Think about the reasons for your despair. Perhaps you are afraid to admit that you failed to teach him to be in harmony with himself? Does he touch your wounds with his actions?
Perhaps you have low self-esteem and you are not confident in yourself? Think about it.