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When a loved one is sad, we certainly want to cheer him up. Only often for this we choose stereotypical phrases that can harm the interlocutor and devalue his feelings. We tell you what you should not say to a person who is feeling bad right now.
1. “It’s okay, everything will be fine!”
“Don’t worry, you will find a better option!”, “Yes, you will have so many more opportunities!” and other optimistic phrases most often produce an effect on the addressee that is the opposite of what is desired. Because your friend has not yet reached the point where all the resentment, sadness and pain have been lived through and he is ready to cheer up and think positively. In addition, such words give the impression that you do not understand the interlocutor or consider his reaction to unpleasant events to be wrong.
2. “Could be worse”
The “twin brother” of the optimistic message from the first paragraph is no better reassuring: by saying this phrase, you seem to devalue what your loved one feels. Instead of words of consolation, he hears something like: “It could be worse, but these are all trifles, you should not worry.”
Because of this, people often begin to doubt the seriousness of their problems: they decide that they are drawing attention to themselves in vain, and further suppress their feelings. After all, “everything is in order, it could be worse.”
3. “So it was necessary”
Who needs? Why is it necessary? Why didn’t they ask me? This reasoning is stored in one basket with the phrase “Everything happens for a reason.” Maybe everything happens for some sublime reason, maybe the pain of a friend has a special meaning, but why should he feel better from this information?
Especially now, at a moment when he is unbearably hurt, and not when he, reflecting, looks back at the events of past years. Most often, such an assurance sounds like a hackneyed platitude that covers up the listener’s lack of meaningful words.
4. “I was in that situation too! Once…”
It doesn’t matter if you or your friend had a similar experience, it doesn’t matter why you decided to share it. Even if with your story you wanted to say: “You are not alone! I went through it too, you see, everything is fine!” – It’s not always a good idea.
Talking about a friend’s injury is not the right time to share your story, especially since you’ve already lived it. Now a loved one needs as much space and opportunities as possible to share experiences and emotions. And he will be more comfortable doing this if you do not intercept the role of the narrator from him. After all, you’re not competing to see who has the hardest life, do you?
5. “Maybe you should go to a psychologist?”
This phrase can be understood in two ways: “I’m not a psychologist to listen to you” or “With such problems, you have a direct road to the doctor.” Most likely, you are saying this out of good intentions, because you see the suffering of a loved one and do not know how to help him, but it looks like you refuse to be there at the most necessary moment.
6. “You should tell him…”
Few people like unsolicited advice, and they are unsolicited until a friend says: “What do you think, what should I do?”. Up to this point, he does not need your advice and can only spoil the mood with its inappropriateness.
Who wants to share emotions if every other time he hears “Try to do …”, “And if you …”, “Maybe then it’s worth …”? A friend came for support, for an opportunity to speak out and feel not alone. And he probably already knows what to do.
7. “This happened to you because you…”
… Because you said this or acted the other way around. Or he did not listen at all when he was warned, and did everything in his own way. In general, it’s time to say: “I told you so!” There is not even an illusion of support in this phrase, only the accusation of the “victim”. Instead of empathy, the friend receives rebukes and a lecture on how he should have behaved. Of course, first of all, this will alienate him from you and make him think that he is to blame.
“But what if he’s really fooled himself and is reaping the rewards?” First, he already knows about it. At least he guesses without saying it out loud. Because it is important for him not to understand why something went wrong, but to express his feelings. And secondly, who said that we can control life inside and out? What, if a friend did “the right way”, everything would go according to plan? One way or another, we cannot predict and prevent everything.
What is the best way to express support?
Sometimes, when a loved one feels bad, it seems to us that we cannot help in any way. The probability that you will pick up the right words for this particular person, do not step on a corn and do not provoke triggers, is really not one hundred percent. To help a loved one, you need to know him. Know how he feels, what he usually worries about, how he lives. And adhere to three principles:
- Be near. Sometimes words are not needed – it is enough that someone close is with you. Here, too, it is important to find a middle ground: stay in touch, but not be intrusive. Call, invite to meetings, but take a step back when a friend needs to be alone with himself.
- Listen. Being a good listener is not easy: you have to be patient, resist the urge to speak your mind, give advice, and control the flow of the conversation. Your task is to allow a friend to get rid of the negativity, to throw out the emotions that have accumulated inside him.
- Stay positive. “If I let the negativity spill out, it will drown me. Who will help me then?” It is true that one of the possible consequences of emotionally helping a friend is “soaking up” other people’s experiences.
It is necessary to try to keep a distance between your own and other people’s feelings – firstly, so as not to look for a third “listener” already for yourself, and secondly, in order to remain a source of strength for a friend.