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Many parents use phrases in communication with their children that they themselves heard from their elders in childhood. Often we pronounce them automatically without thinking. However, some of them can seriously harm the child, says child psychologist Magdalena Battles.
When communicating with children, we often make two types of mistakes: we make false promises about the future in the hope that the children will soon forget everything, or we manage with general phrases, not wanting to waste time on lengthy explanations and serious conversations. It is short-sighted both to underestimate children and to think that the phrase said today will not backfire in a few years.
When giving advice to children and explaining to them how the world works today, think about the future and that you are laying down the principles for how they perceive life for many years to come. If possible, try not to say the following words to your children.
1. Do as I say
Let’s start with the fact that children should be brought up by example, and not by orders and commands. Many studies show that children copy the behavior of their parents. Therefore, if you want your child to be polite, do not forget to say hello and thank others. This is better than embarrassing the baby with the phrase: “Now what should I say?”
Do you want to have order in the nursery? Think back to the last time you made your bed. Instead of being bossy, acknowledge your shortcomings and try to correct them if you don’t want your child to inherit them. It’s hard to get others to change their behavior if you yourself can’t or don’t want to.
2. Everything will be fine
How do you know? You are not a clairvoyant or a fortune teller. This phrase must be used with extreme caution. For example, if one of the relatives dies from an incurable disease, you should not give the child false hopes. Otherwise, when the worst happens, the child will consider you a deceiver, will be disappointed both in you and in life.
Try to gently and delicately prepare the child for what may happen.
Do not try to get off with a general phrase, explain the situation so that the child understands. Try to gently and delicately prepare him for what might happen. If possible, help keep hope alive.
It is clear that you want to protect the child from experiences and negative emotions, but sooner or later he will still have to go through them.
3. Boys don’t cry
I don’t know who coined this phrase, but because of it, thousands of boys have grown into insensitive men. By saying this, parents teach their sons to restrain their emotions, and suppressing emotions turns children into emotionally unhealthy adults.
Teach your son to adequately show emotions, including crying. And delete once and for all from your vocabulary the phrase “Boys (girls) don’t behave like that”: it guarantees your child complexes.
4. Do it through «I can’t»
This phrase can cause real physical harm to children. In my youth, I was involved in athletics, and my coach often said: «Without pain, there is no victory.» As a teenager, I took these words seriously. As a result, I had an injury, but I continued to train through “I can’t”, which aggravated the situation. As a result, I had to quit sports forever.
Teach your child to hear the signals of his body, to distinguish between discomfort and pain. Children should not do anything by force.
5. You can become whoever you want
Many parents promise their children that in the future they can become anything. My 16 year old daughter wants to be a unicorn one day. It’s nice, and in a couple of years she herself will understand that this is impossible. My 160-year-old son is only 20 cm tall, and he dreams of playing basketball for the Chicago Bulls. I support his passion for sports, but I explain that he should have a backup plan in case his basketball career does not work out. He’d rather go to college and get a job than realize at age XNUMX that the Chicago Bulls didn’t want him.
The task of parents is not only to inspire children to achieve, but also to raise them to be realists.
I don’t want to raise a well-intentioned loser who lives with his parents and delivers pizza because he couldn’t climb Olympus. The task of parents is not only to inspire children to achieve, but also to raise them to be realists. Unfortunately, one cannot live life without disappointments, and teaching a child to set achievable goals does not mean breaking a dream, but saving him from a more bitter disappointment.
6. Just be yourself and everything will be fine
Another extremely bad advice. Unfortunately, not all habits and character traits of our children will help them in life. For example, one of my young patients could not make friends in any way, because she told her classmates in the face everything that she thinks about them. What her parents considered sweet spontaneity made the girl an outcast in the class.
Each of us has thoughts and feelings that we consider important, but prefer to keep to ourselves. Others do not want to know everything that is in your head, so it is extremely important to teach your child self-control and behavior in accordance with the situation. This approach is more conducive to success.
7. Think about the future
Other variants of this phrase are: “If you don’t study well, you will become a janitor” and “It’s time for you to grow up.” What’s wrong with letting a child enjoy childhood? First-graders should not think about how to get into the best university in the country. Research has shown that working too hard for the future in high school leads to early professional and emotional burnout.
Often, parents realize their ambitions at the expense of the child, forcing him to choose a profession and a university. Subsequently, this often pushes him to drink alcohol and smoke as ways to relieve stress. Let your child just be small and enjoy life.
Psychologists say that happy relaxed people are more successful. In addition, they are better able to cope with stress without any stimulants. Happy children and adults live in the present, not the future.