Contents
- 1. Know that the meaning of the argument is to better understand the point of view of the opponent
- 2. Feel free to ask questions
- 3. Explain their point of view
- 4. After listening to the other, do not say “but” or “however”
- 5. Pay attention to tone and body language
- 6. They try to listen, not convince
- 7. If they say something unacceptable, they are ready to apologize
Only those who hate any kind of confrontation or have the patience of the Dalai Lama manage to avoid disputes. The rest argue from time to time, it’s not so bad. For mental health, it is more beneficial to resolve conflicts immediately, rather than avoid them. Psychotherapists and communication experts share what sets those who do it right.
1. Know that the meaning of the argument is to better understand the point of view of the opponent
“The purpose of an argument is to understand each other’s needs and try to find a solution that works for both,” says family therapist Marissa Nelson. – Those who argue effectively, first of all, seek to resolve the contradiction and eliminate the problem, and not to defeat the opponent. Personal insults and humiliation of dignity are unacceptable.”
2. Feel free to ask questions
“Those who are good at persuasion understand that the other person has their own goals and needs,” says Jay Sullivan, business communications specialist and author of Just Said: How to Communicate More Effectively at Work and Beyond. – Starting a discussion, we talk about our ideas, but in order to better understand the other side, you need to ask questions, consider the interlocutor not as an enemy, but as a person pursuing his own goals. If you understand these goals and are ready to meet them, the “argument” turns into a regular discussion. You become not an enemy, but an ally.”
3. Explain their point of view
“Good debaters tell the truth straight and straight, with nothing to hide,” says Susan Pez Gadois, family therapist and author of Marriage Revisited for Skeptics, Realists, and Rebels. — I work with a couple in which the wife is being treated for addiction. The husband is trying to restore relations and restore mutual trust, destroyed by her constant lies. He wants to trust her again, but this is not easy to do, given that she is often on the road. He doesn’t want to be suspicious, so he usually says something like, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but…” keep in touch with you when you’re away so I can make sure you don’t deceive me.” Until both participants in the dialogue begin to openly say what they think, it will not be possible to resolve the conflict.
4. After listening to the other, do not say “but” or “however”
“By saying these words, you let the interlocutor understand that you are not interested in his position,” explains Jay Sullivan. – If I’m going to work and my wife says to me: “Darling, it’s certainly a good tie, but …”, it’s clear that the tie will have to be changed. I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t match this suit, or this shirt, or maybe it’s not in fashion anymore. It does not matter. I only know that the tie must be removed.
To make the argument more effective, replace “but” and “however” with “and”. “And” sounds more positive, opens up new possibilities and does not devalue what was said before, something adds to the conversation, and does not cancel what has already been said. This will show that you are open to compromise.
5. Pay attention to tone and body language
“These people understand that it’s not only what you say that matters, but how you say it,” says Marissa Nelson. – They breathe measuredly, speak slowly and deliberately, controlling body language. Even if emotions rage during an argument, they do not forget about the other’s need for respect and personal space.
6. They try to listen, not convince
“Watch any news program or talk show. Most questions begin with the phrase “Don’t you think that …”. Such questions do not help to better understand someone else’s point of view, they are designed to drive the interlocutor into a trap. They are only needed by those who consciously seek conflict, – explains Jay Sullivan. – Those who are good at resolving conflicts ask questions that begin with the words “why”, “what” and “how”. This forces the other person to talk and you to listen, and gives you the opportunity to understand their perspective on the situation. Understanding will help turn the argument into a discussion. Its goal is to resolve the conflict. The purpose of the dispute is to win, but in practice it often turns out that both sides lose.
7. If they say something unacceptable, they are ready to apologize
“In my experience, problems start when people who argue do not feel empathy for the interlocutor, use dishonest methods and are not ready to apologize,” says Marissa Nelson. Some of the apologies sound like bullying. Those who can effectively argue are responsible for their words and are ready to apologize if they say something inappropriate or behave ugly.
And what is more important in a dispute for you: to convince your opponent that you are right, to get what you want, to find out the point of view of the interlocutor and to expand your horizons?