Contents
Early pregnancy is the most dangerous for the fetus, when miscarriage occurs most often. Sadly, 15-20 percent of all pregnancies end in this way. True, sometimes a woman does not even notice this: it seems like ordinary menstruation. And when the conception is long-awaited, the miscarriage becomes a real tragedy. It is strange, but often very cruel things are said to women who have survived the loss of, if not yet a child, but a fetus. It seems like they want to help, cheer, but it turns out the other way around.
“You are young, you will still give birth”
All grief, all unfulfilled dreams, all suffering are instantly devalued by this backhand phrase. As if there is no injury, and the value of conception is equated maximum to a trip to the store – it seems as if I did not lose a child, but forgot a package of pasta at the checkout.
“Well, nothing, you will try again”
“Try again? I will not survive the second such stress ”, – this is the opinion of our author Lyubov Vysotskaya, who survived a frozen pregnancy. After that, she managed to safely give birth to a healthy baby. How many nerves were wasted, how many ultrasound was done outside the plan … She still cannot decide on another pregnancy – the memory of that monstrous grief is still fresh.
And if the IVF round ended with a miscarriage … It is difficult to imagine what emptiness reigns in the soul of a woman who has already mentally tried on the role of a young mother.
“This is not a child yet, but just a collection of cells.”
This is not a child for you yet. And for her – the most beloved baby in the world, who already has a name, toys, a photo album and the cutest costumes in the world. And this is not to mention the thousands of dreams about how they will walk together, how he will smile for the first time, say his first “mom”. Instead of all this, there is only pain.
“This happens a lot”
Thanks, Cap. Yes, she’s probably aware that there is not one such, but one of thousands. But it doesn’t make it any easier. “Everyone tolerates, and you endure” – this is how doctors sometimes say to women in labor writhing in pain. Sounds like cannibals. Like, do not whine, you will survive.
“Apparently, now is not the time”
To nod at providence, the will of higher powers is an attempt to convey to a woman that it is not about her. But it’s better to say so than to project your beliefs onto her. After all, she may not believe in providence or in higher powers. And to make sure that it is not her (or her, and there is nothing to be ashamed about), you need a detailed medical examination, and not blind faith that everything is in order, next time it will certainly work out.
“You’ve got other children”
Yes, children are a consolation. And a reminder that there could be more. The fact that someone so similar to their older brother or sister was never born.
“Maybe it’s because …”
You have no idea why. And this phrase is bad in that it implies the guilt of the failed mother. How will you continue it? Because she drank too much coffee? Did you work or exercise too much? Extremely nervous? Have you chosen the period of Mercury Retrograde for conception? Even doctors are far from always able to name the reason for the miscarriage. And in most cases, the woman could not influence what happened in any way.
What can you say: “You are not to blame”
Perhaps one of the few phrases that do not hurt a grieving soul. Moreover, this is true. Better yet, just listen carefully and sympathetically if your friend decides to share her grief with you.