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When did you and your previous partner realize that you weren’t made for each other? A month after we met? After they moved in together and rented an apartment together for several years? Agree, if you could understand this earlier, it would save you a lot of time and nerves.
The fact that we do not notice incompatibility for a long time and stubbornly is understandable: we don’t want to fixate on the shortcomings of the one we like. You have to see the “bright side” in everything, right? Yes and no.
When we enjoy butterflies in the stomach, there is a great risk of not noticing that we have different values, desires, needs and goals. And for a life together, this is much more important than the notorious “chemistry”. If you are aiming to find a partner for a long-term relationship, pay attention to the following signs.
1. You have a different sense of humor
Perhaps your partner suits you in many ways. You like his determination and ambition, he is good with himself, he has great sex and a great time. But if, for example, he makes sexist jokes or harshly “trolls” others, this is a reason to be wary. The ability to laugh together is an important foundation of a relationship that helps out when times are tough. So do not ignore situations when a partner is joking, but you are not funny or even ashamed.
2. Your sex needs are drastically different.
We all have different libidos and that’s okay. It is not normal to adapt to the needs of a partner (for example, to have sex with him, even when you don’t feel like it at all) or, on the contrary, to extinguish your desires in every possible way. If you have a high libido, find someone who is similar to you in this. If sex is the last thing on your list of needs and priorities, hot macho is hardly your option.
3. You have different plans for the future
If you are interested in a serious relationship and, for example, really want a family and children, it is normal and even natural to ask a potential partner about his plans for the future already on one of the first dates. Do not be afraid to scare a person away with such questions. After all, if it confuses him, maybe it’s just not for you? Different ideas about the future are a stumbling block on which more than one relationship has been broken. Don’t spend years waiting for your partner to change their mind and gradually start wanting the same thing as you.
4. You have different types of attachment.
If you have an anxious attachment type, and your potential partner has an avoidant one, it is important to find out about this as early as possible. Alas, this is not taught at school and most universities, but it should be. Why is it so important? Because it defines what we look for in a relationship as an adult. A person with an anxious type of attachment desperately seeks intimacy, while the “avoidant” cannot and will not want to give it to him. And there’s probably nothing you can do about it.
5. At first, there is a “spark” between you.
It would seem that there is something wrong? A bright “spark” when meeting someone is usually due to our anxiety, vulnerability or fears, and it is not a sign that we are suitable for each other. Behavioral psychologist Logan Urey argues that “fireworks” early in a relationship could be a sign that you’ve met a narcissist or manipulator. And just because you’re trembling with “pleasant” excitement before meeting your partner doesn’t mean they’re capable of a deep connection.
6. He/she doesn’t respect your features
It is not necessary for you (and even, perhaps, it is harmful) to spend all your free time together. You may love books and houseplants, and your partner may love Worlds of Warcraft. The main thing is to respect each other’s interests and treat the other’s hobbies without judgment. If a partner systematically makes you feel that your hobbies are “wrong”, that you are wasting time on “nonsense”, then he does not respect you, and without respect you cannot build a healthy long-term relationship.
Of course, all of the above does not mean that, having noticed at least one of the “red flags” listed above, you should run without looking back, but it is important to take these signals into account. And, in the end, keep looking until you find a partner that suits you, a much healthier position than hoping to fix and change the one who is nearby.