Pathological suspicion and the need to constantly monitor a loved one are extremes that require a special approach and, as a rule, cardinal decisions. But what if the person you live with suits you in everything else and you don’t want to lose him?
Radical advice like “No one dares to tell you” or “Dump him or her immediately” is given mainly by unscrupulous consultants or unprofessional advisers. Life is always more complex and multifaceted.
Most likely, your partner is in many ways a worthy and wonderful person with whom you feel good. Yes, and disadvantages, features, each of us has. Therefore, if jealousy is the only thing that darkens the relationship, it makes sense to think about how to react correctly and what is best to do at such moments.
“My husband is not so much jealous as worried about me. If I return late from some holiday, gatherings with friends, he will not talk about his suspicions, but he will definitely come to pick me up. And she’ll start to sulk — she didn’t warn me that I would be so late” (Yulya, 31 years old, married 6 years).
“We have been together for 20 years, two schoolchildren, both work, live with my grandmother. And finally, after quarantine, remote work, and all this, it turned out that they all left, and I stayed at home alone for the weekend. For the one and only weekend of all time! As soon as I collapsed on the sofa in my pajamas and turned on the movie, it started … He called twenty times! Did I call someone, whether alone. Seriously, he thinks, I wanted to break this buzz for myself with guests? .. ”(Irina, 42 years old, married for 20 years).
“Once I had the stupidity to tell my wife how young employees at a corporate party molested a drunken colleague. Now every New Year and the birthday of the company are evenings of anxiety and jealousy. If I come late and have drunk a lot, I get very worried and ask if women have molested me. No, it’s good that she sees me so attractive, but how can I calm her down? (Ivan, 41, married for 5 years).
“I go to the dacha from the train through the forest. Every time my phone dies or I return after 22:37, my wife meets me in a panic – where I was, how I got there, whether I’m safe. I feel like a teenager who must report to his mother. Annoying ”(Sergey, 3 years old, married XNUMX years).
Such behavior is often associated with the type of attachment that a person formed in childhood. It is important here how the mother behaved with the child from birth. Most often they talk about the disturbing insecure attachment, which is formed if the mother behaves unpredictably, inconsistently. Growing up, a person cannot cope with anxiety and negative thoughts if the partner disappears from sight even for an hour.
But in 2020, a study was conducted at the University of Rome La Sapienza, which showed that the fear of being abandoned is also determined by “immature defense mechanisms.” Giacomo Ciocca and his colleagues draw on psychodynamic theory and emphasize that defense mechanisms are responses to stressful situations.
Such situations threaten the person’s ideas about himself or the world. And then the psyche includes protection, which protects from mental suffering. And if the so-called “mature” defense mechanisms help to realize one’s emotions, to see the situation objectively, then the “immature” ones simply distort reality.
Your partner sincerely believes that a situation that seems dangerous to him, in fact, is such. And anxious insecure attachment increases fear and anxiety.
A study by Giacomo Ciocca and his colleagues showed that such people are not only insecure about relationships, but also about their own identity. Using immature defense mechanisms, they hide their weaknesses from themselves. And if you start proving to them that they are reacting inappropriately, they will direct aggression towards you. Simply put, you will “get under fire.”
Psychology professor and brain researcher Susan Whitburn suggests using this knowledge to strengthen relationships. It is worth understanding how the psyche of a jealous partner works. Then it will be easier to find an approach to it, to translate communication into a peaceful direction. Here’s what Professor Whitbourne recommends to calm a jealous partner:
1. Recognize that the source of anxiety and insecurity hurts not only you, but also your partner. No one voluntarily becomes jealous and restless.
2. Maintain his or her sense of identity. Speaking aloud about the strengths of the personality of a person close to you, you yourself remain a winner. This works to strengthen your connection.
3. Be patient and support your partner. Breaking loose and starting to defend or attack is an easy decision, but it will not make anyone feel better. If jealousy and anxiety still do not poison your life every day, try to be gentler with them.
4. Help your partner learn how to use mature defense mechanisms. We are not talking about psychotherapeutic work or attempts to “remake” a person. But within your capabilities, you can, for example, bring healthy humor into the situation – turn it into a joke without hurting the feelings of a loved one.
5. Learn from past experience. Try to calmly, without accusations, talk with your partner, discuss how to behave in a similar situation next time.
6. Find ways to deal with emotions. It is unpleasant when you are jealous or overprotective. But this does not mean that you need to put up with and do what your partner tells you to do. Try to discuss plans ahead of time. Come up with rules that will suit both. For example, how many times can you call or write if you are at a corporate party.
Close relationships are always diplomacy and politics. A reasonable approach and love for a partner will help in difficult situations.