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In love relationships, anxiety can become a hindrance. Because of her, you begin to analyze every word said on a date, cancel the meeting at the last moment. There is no guarantee that this will pass over time. Several therapists have shown how to keep anxiety under control at the beginning of a relationship, as well as during its development.
1. Gradually get used to insecurity
Intimacy means that you open to another those corners of the soul that you hide from the world. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, then you may worry: what if your partner stops loving when he sees you with flaws, oddities and character complexities? If you are truly dear to a person, he will accept all facets of your personality.
“You don’t have to talk about all the dark experiences right away,” says psychologist Stacey Rosenfel. “Try to open up gradually, practicing openness and insecurity in communicating with a partner, gradually gaining confidence, over time, fear will weaken.”
2. Be direct about what you expect from the relationship.
Any person with an anxiety disorder is familiar with endless thoughts about the same thing, you can not free yourself from obsessive thoughts, although you understand their stupidity. The problem can be especially damaging to relationships. For example, a friend used to call you after work, but now she doesn’t call you for several days.
You begin to be tormented by thoughts that she is tired of you, in fact, she has a project deadline. Of course, you should not constantly ask your partner if everything is in order, but if something has been bothering you for a long time, you need to say so. For example: “I know how busy you are, but every day I expect you to call in the evening. If you do not call, I am tormented by doubts whether I am tired of you.
“The brains of anxious people tend to get hung up on thoughts,” says Los Angeles psychologist Jenny Yip. “Usually they represent the worst option. To save a relationship, you need to explain from the very beginning what you expect, so that there is no uncertainty, because of which there are gloomy forebodings.
3. Separate your “anxious self” from your “true self”
One person on Twitter wrote: “Anxiety is conspiracy theories about yourself.” Don’t let negative self-hypnosis ruin your relationship. “Instead of listening to her voice, listen to the inner voice,” says psychotherapist Jennifer Rollin.
The “anxious self” may say, “If I open up to him, tell him about my anxiety and work with a therapist, he will leave me or consider me unbalanced.” We often begin to imagine frightening scenarios, many of which are unrealistic.
In this case, it is useful to practice responding to anxiety on behalf of the “true self,” the psychologist explains. It will certainly try to calm you down, for example: “Working with a psychotherapist does not mean that you are crazy, you want to become better in every way. At worst, if he thinks you’re crazy, it will say a lot about him and nothing about you. You deserve a partner who won’t judge.”
4. Admit you are not in complete control of your partner.
When learning to cope with an anxiety disorder, it is important to let go of the need to control everything, including things that are out of your control, such as your partner’s shortcomings. It can annoy you that during the football season he spends half of every Sunday with friends. But you can’t deprive him of any freedom because of anxiety, can you?
“Anxious people often want to control the situation, which is not always possible. You can explain what you want, but if a partner cannot fulfill all your desires to the smallest detail, this does not mean that he is not suitable for you. It is important to respect and appreciate his individuality – you and him are different people, not Siamese twins, ”says Jenny Yip.
5. Tell your partner about your anxiety disorder and how it manifests.
You don’t have to fight him alone. Open up to your partner, tell how anxiety manifests itself. For example, you often blush and sweat because of social phobia. You can understand how best to deal with this disorder. A partner can become an ally, helping to maintain balance in stressful situations.
“Sometimes when we try to hide anxiety from others, fearing their reaction, it starts to build up. Telling your partner will save you a lot of stress because you won’t have to hide your symptoms anymore. Sometimes you can defuse a tense situation by talking about anxiety,” says Stacey Rosenfeld.
6. Agree on dispute rules
Anxious people have a hard time with arguments. “Let’s imagine that you had a fight and the partner left, slamming the door. Anxious people have a hard time tolerating uncertainty,” says Jenny Yip.
To make your life easier, agree on rules for resolving conflicts. For example, that you can always postpone an unpleasant conversation, provided that you definitely return to it within a day. “Discuss the rules ahead of time so you have a plan of action. When you know what’s going to happen next, anxiety decreases,” Yip explains.