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To awaken dormant feelings or create a solid foundation for a long and joyful life? At any stage of a relationship, romantic rituals will be helpful. Psychotherapists confirm: they really work. It’s up to us!
Have a weekend picnic in a secret place in your favorite park, as soon as it gets warm; go shopping for new clothes, ride bikes together or cook a gourmet meal… Each couple has their own little pleasures that are nice to do together, plan and wait impatiently, counting the days. We may not attach importance to them, but they are ultimately the guardians of the senses.
“Strong love is fueled by small, everyday courtesies that have nothing to do with “shoulds,” stresses psychoanalyst Martina Teilhak. “They are dictated by the desire to continue this adventure, which constantly requires us to be sensitive and inspired.”
The difference between a boring life and a family ritual, according to her, is that we are engaged in everyday life forcedly and automatically, while we observe traditions voluntarily and consciously.
Life, in which there is too much routine, becomes insipid. Rituals act as an “emotional barometer” to help maintain attachment.
“Let the ritual be pleasant for both partners,” emphasizes psychologist Elena Perova. “There are couples in which one side imposes its addictions, and the other cannot refuse what is being done in the name of the good goal of reviving the relationship.” The main thing is that you have room for imagination.
You can diversify your life together by turning it into an exciting game with your own rules, secrets and rewards. Here are some ideas that psychotherapists offer.
1. Find an opportunity to spend an evening together
Family therapists are sure that the more space in a relationship is taken up by everyday worries, the less space there is for intimacy. “Of course, in the evening we most of all want to free our heads and not think about anything,” notes psychoanalyst Anne-Marie Benoit. “But the habit of such “unloading” prevents the two from being in contact.”
Why don’t you independently make lists of what you would like to do in the evening together? Write each idea on a separate piece of paper and take them out at random.
Make it a rule to allocate time that you can devote entirely to each other. Play games, share your impressions of the books you read, gossip – let it be an activity for two, without strangers. The goal is to create an intimate space that is entirely at your disposal.
Why don’t you independently make lists of what you would like to do in the evening together? Write down each idea on a separate piece of paper and take them out at random. You can also take turns surprise each other by developing a program for the evening.
2. Write letters
A nice postcard sent by post (the old fashioned way, in a paper envelope with a stamp) or surreptitiously slipped into a coat pocket; a sticky note stuck to a working paper; a real long letter… Any form in which you can express your desires, thank you, share your discovery will do. The main thing is that these words come from the heart.
These small messages show that the desire and feeling of love is still alive and able to manifest. They help us connect or reconnect with the feeling of being in love—always exhilarating and youthfully fresh.
“In our culture of evanescence, handwritten words of love are great for intimate, heartfelt communication,” explains Anne-Marie Benoit. “It’s also good for self-esteem, both for the one who writes the love note and the one who receives it.”
3. Do things together
How about playing the ukulele and learning a new language? Or maybe you like yoga classes together? Learning new things breathes life into a relationship. “Look at the close ties that unite members of the same club,” comments Anne-Marie Benoit. “Initiates have the feeling that they are on the same wavelength, that they belong to a clan of experts.”
Experts recommend giving preference to activities that allow you to improve your knowledge or acquire new ones: it is these activities that strengthen bonds, while at the same time helping to draw new energy in communicating with others.
4. Show care every day
Everyday life is the only reality that we can reshape to our liking. We can neglect it, arrogantly despise it, or work on it. The most unpleasant thing in this everyday life is not conflicts, but neglect: in most cases, relationships die not from one terrible quarrel, but from minor manifestations of inattention. Gifts on holidays are not enough, daily small deeds are needed.
To greet each other upon waking up, to kiss upon parting and meeting, to render small favors, to give compliments, to give gifts and arrange surprises, to celebrate successes together, to forgive each other’s bad mood, dishonesty, lateness and forgetfulness…
Nothing kills love like the certainty that you know your partner by heart. The illusion of knowledge kills the element of surprise, and with it the passion.
“These repeated signs of attention and interest are more beneficial for a relationship than grand promises … provided that they are not made automatically,” notes Martina Teyjak. “We not only demonstrate the pleasure of sharing our life with a partner, but also cherish our joint creation – our love.”
5. Constantly study each other
Once or twice a month, choose a time to talk. Simply and frankly, as at the very beginning, when you were unknown continents to each other, open, but not yet explored.
“Nothing kills love like the certainty that you know your partner by heart,” warns Martina Teyjak. – This dangerous belief reduces the partner to a set of familiar roles that are constantly shuffled: lover, roommate, au pair, parent … The illusion of knowledge kills the element of surprise, and with it the passion. Many get into relationships on the side in order to see themselves seductive in the eyes of another person again.
Discuss together what amuses you, fascinates, excites, revolts. Listen to each other, but keep comments to yourself. When your partner speaks, listen to him for real, look at him for real. Let his look, gestures, voice, words touch you.
In a happy relationship, partners remember the past, cherish moments of tenderness, and try to remind each other of how good it was for them. To indulge in memories does not mean to devalue the present. From time to time, you need to remind yourself of how your story has developed.
“Try to revise the films that you once watched together,” advises Elena Perova. “There will be something to discuss, remember, it is romantic and awakens feelings.” Take apart photos together after a vacation, make an album or collage together. Think how pleasant it will be, summing up the results of the year, to review these touching testimonies and revive the memory of recent pleasure.