6 Ways to Avoid Stumbling During a Difficult Conversation

Speech stupor is a term from clinical psychology denoting mental pathology. But the same concept is often used to describe the special speech behavior of a healthy person. And in this case, the main reason for such confusion and forced silence is emotions.

When I do consultations on speech blockages, I hear two complaints more often than others. Some clients sadly notice that they could not adequately answer the opponent in a conversation (“I didn’t know what to answer to this”, “I just kept silent. And now I’m worried”, “I feel like I let myself down”); others are endlessly worried about possible failure (“What if I can’t answer the question?”, “What if I say some nonsense?”, “What if I look stupid?”).

Even people with extensive communication experience, whose profession is associated with the need to talk a lot and often, can face such a problem. 

“I don’t know how to instantly respond to a harsh remark addressed to me. I’d rather choke and freeze, and then on the stairs I’ll figure out what I had to say and how to answer, ”the famous director Vladimir Valentinovich Menshov once shared in an interview. 

Socially significant situations: public speaking, dialogues with clients, managers and other important people for us, conflictors are complex discourses. They are characterized by novelty, uncertainty and, of course, social risks. The most unpleasant of which is the danger of «losing face».

It’s hard not to speak, it’s hard to be silent

The most psychologically difficult kind of silence for most people is cognitive silence. This is such a short period of mental activity during which we are trying to find content and form for our answer or statement. And we can’t do it quickly. At times like these, we feel most vulnerable.

If such silence lasts for five or more seconds during a conversation and speech, it often leads to a communication failure: it destroys contact, disorientates the listener or audience, and increases the speaker’s internal tension. As a result, all this can negatively affect the image of the one who speaks, and then his self-esteem.

In our culture, silence is regarded as a loss of control in communication and is not perceived as a resource. By comparison, in Japanese culture, silence, or timmoku, is a positive communication strategy that includes the ability to speak “without words.” Within Western cultures, silence is more often seen as a loss, an argument that confirms one’s own failure and incompetence. To save face, look like a professional, you need to answer quickly and accurately, any delay in speech is unacceptable and is regarded as incompetent behavior. In fact, the problem of stupor is not in the level of competence, but much deeper. 

Stupor occurs not in speech, but in thoughts 

One of my friends once shared that the most difficult thing for her are conversations with some colleagues during corporate parties. When a lot of unfamiliar people gather at one table and everyone begins to share personal information: who and where had a rest, who and what they read, watched …

“And my thoughts,” she says, “seem to be frozen or unable to line up in a normal coherent stream. I start talking and suddenly get lost, the chain breaks … I continue the conversation with difficulty, I stumble, as if I myself am not sure what I am talking about. I don’t know why this is happening…”

During a conversation that is significant, unusual, or threatening to our authority, we experience strong emotional stress. The emotion regulation system begins to dominate the cognitive system. And this means that in a situation of strong emotional stress, a person has little mental potential to think, use his knowledge, create chains of reasoning and control his speech. When we are emotionally tense, it is difficult for us to talk even about simple things, let alone present a project or convince someone of our point of view. 

How to help yourself speak

Domestic psychologist Lev Semenovich Vygotsky, who studied the features of generating statements, noted that our speech plan (what and how we plan to say) is extremely vulnerable. He «resembles a cloud that can evaporate, or it can rain down words.» And the task of the speaker, continuing the metaphor of the scientist, is to create the right weather conditions for the generation of speech. How?

Take the time to self-tune

All successful conversations begin in the minds of the interlocutors even before they actually meet. Entering into complex communication with chaotic, untuned thoughts is reckless. In this case, even the most insignificant stress factor (for example, an open door in the office) can lead to a communication failure from which the speaker may never recover. In order not to get lost during a difficult conversation or to regain the ability to speak in case of a stupor, take a couple of minutes to tune in to the contact and to the interlocutor. Sit in silence. Ask yourself some simple questions. What is the purpose of my conversation? From what role will I speak (mother, subordinate, boss, mentor)? What am I responsible for in this conversation? Who will I talk to? What can be expected from this person or audience? To strengthen yourself internally, remember your successful communication experience. 

Make the situation as familiar as possible

It is the novelty factor that is a common cause of speech failures. An experienced lecturer can communicate brilliantly with his colleagues or students on scientific topics, but on the same topics will be confused, for example, with a practitioner working in a factory. Unfamiliar or unusual conditions of communication (a new interlocutor, an unfamiliar place of conversation, unexpected reactions of the opponent) lead to emotional stress and, as a result, to a failure in cognitive processes and in speech. To reduce the risk of stupor, it is important to make the communication situation as familiar as possible. Imagine an interlocutor, a place of communication. Ask yourself about possible force majeure, think over ways out of them in advance. 

Look at the interlocutor as an ordinary person 

When engaging in difficult conversations, people often endow their interlocutors with superpowers: either idealizing them (“He is so beautiful, so smart, I am nothing compared to him”) or demonizing them (“He is terrible, he is toxic, wishes me harm, harms me «). An exaggeratedly good or exaggeratedly bad image of a partner in a person’s mind turns into a trigger that triggers and intensifies an emotional reaction and leads to chaos in thoughts and to a stupor.

In order not to fall under the influence of an unconstructive image of the interlocutor and in vain not to cheat yourself, it is important to realistically assess your opponent. Remind yourself that this is an ordinary person who is strong in some ways, weak in some ways, dangerous in some ways, useful in some ways. Special questions will help you tune in to a specific interlocutor. Who is my interlocutor? What is important to him? What is he objectively striving for? What communication strategy does he usually use? 

Let go of thoughts that create intense emotional tension

“When it seems to me that I won’t be able to pronounce this or that word correctly, my fear of getting lost increases. And, of course, I get confused. And it turns out that my forecast is being realized,” one of my clients once remarked. The generation of statements is a complex mental process that is easily blocked either by negative thoughts or unrealistic expectations.

To maintain your ability to speak, it is important to replace unconstructive thoughts in time and relieve yourself of unnecessary responsibility. What exactly should be abandoned: from an ideal speech result (“I will speak without a single mistake”), from super-effects (“We will agree at the first meeting”), from relying on the assessments of outsiders (“What will they think of me!”). As soon as you relieve yourself of responsibility for things that do not depend on you, it will become much easier to speak.

Analyze conversations the right way 

Qualitative reflection not only helps to learn the experience and plan the next conversation, but also serves as a basis for building confidence in communication. Most people speak negatively about their speech failures and about themselves as a participant in communication. “I’m always worried. I can’t connect two words. I make mistakes all the time,” they say. Thus, people form and strengthen the image of themselves as an unsuccessful speaker. And from such a sense of self it is impossible to speak confidently and without tension. Negative self-perception also leads to the fact that a person begins to avoid many communication situations, deprives himself of speech practice — and drives himself into a vicious circle. When analyzing a dialogue or speech, it is important to do three things: notice not only what did not work out, but also what went well, and also draw conclusions for the future.

Expand the repertoire of scenarios and formulas of speech behavior 

In a stressful situation, it is difficult for us to create original statements, often there is not enough mental resource for this. Therefore, it is so important to form a bank of speech patterns for complex communication situations. For example, you can find in advance or create your own forms of answers to uncomfortable questions, templates for remarks and jokes that may be useful to you in a small conversation, definition templates for complex professional concepts … It is not enough to read these statements to yourself or write them down. They need to be spoken, preferably in a real communication situation.

Any, even the most experienced speaker, can be confused by uncomfortable or difficult questions, aggressive remarks of the interlocutor and their own confusion. In moments of speech failures, it is more important than ever to be on your side, to give preference not to self-criticism, but to self-instructions and practice. And in this case, your cloud of thoughts will surely rain down words.