Most of us do not like quarrels and confrontations. But they cannot be completely avoided — sooner or later one has to defend one’s position, defend borders, and declare needs. And others have to do the same for us. Psychologist Emma Seppala talks about how high emotional intelligence saves us in conflict situations.
Our anger, both overt and covert, is meant to convey something important to those around us. But he pushes them away. We sincerely want to be heard and understood, but we get the opposite result. In whatever form we express aggression, it interferes with building effective communication.
Many people think that a passive-aggressive style of interaction is better and «more pleasant» than open outbursts of rage, but this is not so. The French designate passive aggression with the phrase sous-entendu (“hint”, “reticence”). We seem to pronounce completely innocent words, but in reality we mean something completely different, evil and cruel. Studies show that an unfriendly style of communication repels people: even without understanding what is happening, they begin to feel uncomfortable, they tend to end the conversation as soon as possible. So, if you are looking for an honest and productive dialogue, you should look for another strategy.
How to express negative emotions and not destroy relationships?
1. Listen to yourself and be aware of what is happening. Even if you are just seething with anger, it is better to wait it out — otherwise the communication will go down the wrong path. When we are angry, the brain is captured by this emotion and we cannot think of anything else. The amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, is so active that it’s hard for us to think logically.
Take a walk and take a deep breath, distract yourself with a funny video, meditate, pray — use any technique that will help you regain your composure. Cooling down a bit, you will be able to communicate more effectively.
2. Recognize your emotions. Figure out if what you feel is really anger? Often we think that we are annoyed by a person or situation, but in fact we do not experience anger, but pain, sadness or rejection. By understanding what your emotions are, you can tell the interlocutor exactly about them.
3. Find out if you are putting the blame on others. It’s too easy to blame someone else for your troubles. You are hungry, tired, overworked, tense, unhappy in marriage, and you place all the responsibility for this on the one who turned up under your arm, most often on someone close to you. By doing so, you push away the people you love the most, and this makes things worse. In addition, your irritation does not disappear anywhere, because you took it out on the wrong person and did not figure out the true cause of your anger.
4. Be curious. Research shows that negative emotions make us self-centered. When we are focused on sensations, we are not able to put ourselves in the place of another and see the situation from his point of view. As a rule, we do not even take into account his condition at the moment. That is why we need to awaken curiosity in ourselves.
Ask why your counterpart behaves the way he does. Instead of confrontation, ask with sincere concern why he does what he does. Chances are, the person you’re mad at isn’t deliberately trying to hurt you. Try to understand him before you blame him.
5. Express sympathy. By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and asking «why» instead of assuming the worst, you communicate openly and respect the other person’s right to think, feel, and act in a certain way. As a result, you build deeper relationships based on empathy.
In response to aggression, a person is forced to defend himself and respond in the same spirit, but in this case he feels safe and is able to hear your point of view.
6. Learn to communicate correctly. Express your opinion using «I-messages», talk about how you feel. But do not limit yourself to this, otherwise your view of the situation will remain one-sided. Ask the interlocutor to share his point of view, try to hear him and come to some kind of compromise together. Show genuine interest and don’t take a diatribe.
How to keep the situation under control
Forced to associate with a passive-aggressive person? These simple tricks will help you avoid unnecessary stress and defend your boundaries.
1. Call a spade a spade. «Did you really want it to sound so aggressive?» — this direct question can quickly bring the attacker to his senses. Caught red-handed, he will most likely hasten to answer: “No, what are you!”
Then, if you like, elaborate on what upsets him. Offer to talk calmly and kindly about how he feels.
2. Ignore his attacks. You see that the interlocutor is openly hostile towards you. But you don’t have to go along with him. If you can let go of the situation and not attach importance to his attacks, you can’t imagine a better way out.
3. Show compassion and forgiveness. The passive-aggressive (or aggressive) person is visibly angry and tense. You won’t envy him — it’s not easy to live with such destructive feelings in your soul. Wish him well and set firm boundaries between you.
4. Offer to speak. So he can open the cards and lay out what he feels, instead of being sarcastic and hinting.
About the Expert: Emma Seppala is a psychologist and director of science for the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research at Stanford University.