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… and which are so difficult for us. Why? It would seem that there are no more unsolved secrets of happiness, because psychologists are constantly thinking about this topic. So, it is enough for us to imitate the lucky ones in order to become such ourselves? In theory, it is. But in practice, things are more complicated.
Some psychologists explain how to catch happiness in their nets, others warn us that this is nothing more than a hunt for a non-existent animal. But in the ocean of publications, two stories emerge more often than others. The first is a 2007 article by two psychologists, Shigehiro Oishi and Edward Diener. They interviewed 10 people in 48 countries around the world and came to the conclusion that on the list of priorities, the pursuit of happiness is far ahead of the search for the meaning of life, the desire to get rich or go to heaven.
The second cross-cutting motive of talking about happiness – “things happy people do differently” and “things happy people don’t do.” These popular texts are the folk version of positive psychology. We selected six common positive psychology statements and discussed them with two psychoanalysts.
1. They surround themselves with happy people.
What the research says. Joy is contagious. Those who are surrounded by happy people are more likely to become happy in turn and stay happy.
Comment by Jean-Michel Hirt: “This observation is a statement of the obvious. It’s like saying that our mood is better on a sunny day and in good company. But is a pleasant sensation enough for happiness? No. On the other hand, we sometimes feel good around those who are not very happy. Or when we ourselves find ourselves in a difficult situation, but it gives us pleasure, because it engages the mind and mobilizes our resources. “Puzzling” is an activity that you can enjoy. And happiness in a relationship does not lie in complete calmness, the absence of tension and conflict. And some even find satisfaction in surrounding themselves with people who are unhappy or immersed in problems, because they feel awkward around the so-called happy people.
Listen to how you feel when interacting with others
Tatyana Tikhonova’s comment: “It is especially important to be “infected with joy” for an infant. After all, his “I” develops through identification with those who take care of him, primarily with his mother. If she enjoys communicating with the child and the father of the child, then the son or daughter will feel valued, desired and loved. If the mother is experiencing, for example, postpartum depression, then she is mentally “dead” and unable to invest life in the child. As an adult, it will be difficult for him to enjoy, and he may be jealous of other people’s ability to enjoy.
What can be done? Listen carefully to what we feel when interacting with others. Body signals tell us how certain relationships are affecting us. We must reckon with the ambivalence of emotions, ours and the other person, with the circumstances that color the relationship. It is useful to ask why we enjoy the company of people who are always doing poorly, and what part of our own history we are re-enacting with them. If we are unable to share the joy of life with others and want to learn this, we can seek help from a psychologist.
2. They know how to recover
What the research says. Happy people are able to recover faster than others after a hard test and do not allow themselves to become isolated in depression.
J.-M. X.: “The ability to recover remains a mysterious phenomenon. It comes from the primary resources that an adult has managed to preserve since childhood. We are moved not only by the impulses of life, but also by the impulses of death; the ability to recover lies between these two desires. Who will predict what their duel will be like and how it will end?”
Today we know that depression is also a period of mental restructuring, an internal search
T. T .: “If we had a positive experience of interacting with parents in early childhood, then we are likely to form a healthy self-esteem, which helps to quickly recover from life’s troubles. But if there is no such positive experience, we will not be able to work through our deep traumas only through conscious efforts.
What can be done? First of all, realize that there are forces in us that pull us down, and others that lift us up, towards air and light. By encouraging and caring for these second powers, we may be able to recover more easily from the ordeal. It would be a mistake to try to get up very quickly without thinking about why we fell. Today we know that depression is also a period of mental restructuring, an inner search, and that this time will give us the opportunity to continue our journey in a different way. And this is also a chance to become happier.
3. They act to be happier.
What the research says. Happy people don’t wait for their happiness. They actively seek out and try anything that can enhance their sense of well-being.
J.-M. X.: “In this formulation, we see the victorious volitional principle of American culture. It all depends on what you mean by “being active” in search: apply the bestselling recipes about happiness or ask yourself questions about yourself and understand what can increase our sense of well-being?
Learn to recognize your fears, understand their sources and causes
T. T .: “Yes, theoretically happy people are not afraid to seek and try, they are not afraid of the new and the unknown. In any case, pathological fear, which can be expressed in excessive shyness, the expectation of rejection and rejection, phobias.
What can be done? Think about how we can feel happier. Acknowledge our fears, understand their sources and causes, identify points of internal resistance and external obstacles, and then listen to how our desire is expressed. In any case, trying to be happy means developing some form of attention and tenderness for yourself, which then spreads to other people.
4. They prefer to give rather than take.
What the research says. Happy people spend part of their time on charity, on listening to others, helping those people from their environment who need it.
J.-M. X.: “In giving, we enjoy ourselves, and this narcissistic satisfaction cannot be denied. When we feel good, it strengthens our self-respect and maintains the pursuit of the ideal. In order to give selflessly, and not to use another person to make up for the lack of one’s own narcissism, one must be able to love oneself enough, and not everyone succeeds in this. This is the limitation of the call “Do good deeds to be happy.” Altruism is not opposed to healthy egoism, it is egoism that allows you to take into account yourself when communicating with others.
T. T .: “As a rule, those who are ready to give are those who understand themselves well, are aware of their desires, were able to realize themselves and satisfy their needs. But someone who feels a lack of resources, emotional or social, is unlikely to be able to share with others.”
What can be done? Taking care of ourselves, noticing what we lack and what we expect, and consciously satisfying our needs for communication with others – this makes it possible to be an altruist with respect for another and for the benefit of ourselves. The “giver” who is frustrated or thinks badly of himself finds it difficult to respect the otherness of the person to whom he gives and find joy in the act of giving: for this he must first open himself to himself. Each of us can make our own choice: to envy others and resent helplessness, or to change ourselves.
5. They see the good in everything.
What the research says. Optimism is a sine qua non of happiness. Unlike pessimists, optimists believe that a black stripe is always followed by a white one. And they rely on themselves to turn the situation to their advantage.
T. T .: “It is good when the image of the future is connected for us with the fulfillment of cherished desires, the implementation of plans, and we ourselves are firmly convinced that any obstacles can be overcome. But sometimes optimism is not entirely healthy. In this case, there is such a psychological mechanism as denial: optimism becomes a way to ignore real problems in order to (primitively) protect us from depression.
J.-M. X.: “It would be absurd to deny the benefits of optimism. But this state of mind essentially depends on the personal history and experience of each. Difficult events in early childhood, an anxious, insufficiently loving or too silent family do not encourage optimism, although they do not condemn pessimism. It all depends on how we live with our history and our beliefs. In this area, the will plays no role, so the call to see the good in everything remains futile.
What can be done. To look to the future with hope, the problems of the present cannot be ignored. We have to recognize them, learn to see in ourselves what is not very pleasant to see and feel, to which we are accustomed to turn a blind eye, to find events and images that provoke pessimism and anxiety. Only work on yourself will allow you to change your internal state and stop being a prisoner of a negative outlook on yourself, others and life. It is also helpful to remember what trials we have overcome and what successes we have achieved so that we do not feel defenseless in the face of difficulties.
6. They know how to switch off
What the research says. Happy people know how to take a breather in order not to succumb to stress or to protect their personal space.
T. T .: “After intense communication or difficult work, you need to pause to be alone with yourself. However, some cannot afford to rest, living in a “tyranny of duty.” If we always feel like we owe someone, we don’t have a right to our personal needs, it will prevent us from shutting down.”
After intense communication or difficult work, you need to take a break to be alone with yourself.
J.-M. X.: “I would not limit myself to the obvious meaning of the word “switch off”. By this, I mean not only turning off the current to avoid a short circuit, but also switching to energy saving mode in order to return to some form of internal life. We disconnect to reconnect to ourselves. Giving yourself that time is one form of treating yourself well.”
What can be done. Self-return can happen in different ways. You can meditate, dream, do art, listen to bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts. The main thing is not to pursue outdoor activities or entertainment, but to regularly give yourself the opportunity to be completely in yourself. If someone constantly violates our boundaries, and we are helpless before this onslaught, it is worthwhile to figure out what or who inside of us controls us, preventing us from being autonomous.
About the experts
Tatyana Tikhonova is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, member of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, lecturer at the Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis.
Jean-Michel Hirt is a psychoanalyst, professor of psychopathology at Paris-XIII University and specialist in cross-cultural clinical psychology.