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Divorce is not uncommon these days. And most often it is women who initiate the breakup. Why it happens? Because there are actions that none of us will be able to turn a blind eye to. And it’s not about cheating.
Most cases where a woman categorically refuses to forgive a man are related to children. During pregnancy, childbirth and the decree, she counts on the support of her partner, therefore she perceives some of his actions as a betrayal. What offenses can neither be forgiven nor forgotten?
1. Negative reaction to pregnancy
Not everyone is ready for the news of pregnancy, as well as for the very appearance of the child. And instead of congratulations and declarations of love, a woman can hear the phrase “I don’t want children” from her partner. Even if in a few months the future father changes his mind, this will not fix much – the wife has already had a traumatic experience and is unlikely to forget it.
2. Cowardice
A woman will put an end to a relationship with a partner who refused to take responsibility and left her in a situation of uncertainty. For example, he sent her alone for an abortion, did not bring the necessary things to the hospital, or simply disappeared after the news of the pregnancy. This behavior shows a woman that you cannot rely on a partner, because at the right time he will not be there.
3. Doubts about paternity
When a man offers a future mother to do a genetic test, he actually accuses her of infidelity. It doesn’t matter if the test ends up being carried out – if a new stage in a couple’s life begins with distrust, then their future definitely cannot be called rosy.
4 greed
“I gave birth in an ordinary provincial maternity hospital in the 90s,” says Tatyana. – The fruit was very large. The doctor on duty extorted a bribe for a cesarean. Tormented by hellish pain, I called my husband and asked him to come to me and pay this unfortunate money. He refused.
The next morning, the child was removed with forceps, because of which the baby was injured and was born with neurological disorders. After discharge, my husband and I divorced. I could not forgive him for his greed and indifference. And I never can.”
So, painful memories and a child affected in childbirth will always remind a woman of the act of a man who turned her life into hell.
5.Lack of support
An unusual way of life, financial dependence, a paused career, the lack of the opportunity to fulfill oneself are only a small part of what a woman faces. With the patriarchal structure of the family, she often remains without the moral support of a partner. She is greatly hurt by the rudeness and coldness of a man, his irresponsible attitude to parental duties and the devaluation of a woman’s problems. What kind of love can we talk about when he says: “What are you tired of, are you sitting at home?” or “No, I can’t babysit, that’s your responsibility.”
6. Denial of financial assistance
Many couples break up during the first year of a child’s life. In such a situation, one of the pressing problems for a woman is getting alimony: men can underestimate their official income and make fake certificates so that the mandatory payments to their ex-wife are minimal.
How should a woman behave in such situations?
If you find yourself in one of the situations listed above, it is important to first recognize that you have been harmed. Accept this and mourn the lost “best years”, health, hopes and youthful ideals. And also work out your feelings: pain, anger, rage, confusion and powerlessness.
Review the resources you have and evaluate what help can be requested from outside. It happens that a woman, out of pride and a desire to take revenge on the father of a child, refuses support. This stops the flow of feelings and energy that could heal her emotional wound.
You do not have to forgive your partner, but you do not need to take revenge on him. Accept that the abuser harmed you because of their injured part. This does not justify him, but by realizing where the origins of his behavior lie, you can take responsibility for your life and for the life of the child. Your partner does not need your forgiveness. But you need a healthy and happy child, and the child, of course, needs a peaceful and joyful mother.
If you agree to save the relationship, take what little the man is willing to give. Even if it’s “just” your child’s life. He created this life with you and will forever remain a father – even if it will be expressed only through rare calls and small amounts of money. Do not turn the child against him: you will not get any benefit from this and will only deprive your child. After all, it is important for him to know that both mom and dad love and recognize him. Everyone, to the best of their ability.
About the Developer
Olga Alpeeva – psychologist, gestalt therapist, specialist in the field of emotional-figurative therapy.