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It makes us stronger. At the same time, it is immediately noticeable when we do not believe in it. Psychotherapists offer six exercises to help us learn to say “yes” sincerely and confidently.
We have had many occasions to say a big, all-encompassing “yes”: in childhood, at a wedding, at work, when immersed in a project … without ulterior motives, from the bottom of our hearts. This is what happens when everything is good. The real “yes” should be harmonious: the head and the heart should be at the same time.
If I say “yes”, thinking “no”, then my interlocutor will feel it, gestures and facial expressions will give out the truth. Only a sincere “yes” will make us strong. For it to be so, we must be sure that at any moment we are able to say “no” just as openly. These two words are related to each other.
Often we fall into the trap of “more” – modern society provides new opportunities: more information, speed, choice, things, mobility… Paradoxically, this ultimately deprives us of important things: less time with dear people, less rest and hobbies, less creativity. The demand for more is insatiable.
So it’s worth asking yourself: Am I falling into this trap when I say “yes” and am I saying “no” to something important? Consent will be complete only if it correlates with feelings.
There are many circumstances in which you have to express your position. If we find it difficult to say “yes” in the family, it is better to clearly state the reasons for the refusal. If this is not possible, you can evade, step aside. It is possible that those close to us will not approve, but such is the price of living in harmony with ourselves.
And at work? You can diplomatically formulate the reasons for disagreement. Or smooth out: fine, but only this time, it won’t happen again. But if the disagreements with colleagues or management are fundamental, all that remains is to change jobs. If, however, it is not possible to express one’s opinion at all, then we are talking about a lack of self-respect, and we need to look for its reasons in order to change the situation.
1. Take your time
Unlike “no”, “yes” obliges you. It’s hard to go back. So, agreeing to a business trip, you practically book tickets. Therefore, before you say “yes”, slow down with the answer. You can say this: “Actually, I want to agree, but I prefer to think it over. I’ll give you an answer in a few days.”
2. Imagine the future
Before agreeing, mentally scroll through the scenario after the “yes.” What will happen? What will be the consequences? What changes will take place in your life? How do you see yourself? This will allow you to see the future clearly, as well as look for a new and possible rejection that will free you from obligations.
3. Write down all your “Yes, but”
In any area – in love or at work – you may feel that yes is a strong obligation. Write down all the “buts” that come to mind, even if they seem completely meaningless to you, uncensored, in 20 minutes.
This is how a deep “yes” can manifest itself. “Yes, I want to do this business, but … with the condition that the salary will be tripled”, “Yes, I want to live with you, but … with the condition that we move to the Maldives” and the like. Then sort your “yes” by choosing the most valuable ones. Read them out loud: this will give you more confidence when you need to answer.
4. Feel “YES” and “NO” with your body
Stand up, relax, keep your balance. The left side of your body will be responsible for yes, the right side for no. Focus and think about your problem. Test the yes zone by stepping forward with your left foot. Listen to your feelings. Are you relaxed, steady, unruffled, or, on the contrary, tense?
Stay in this pose for five minutes (it’s long, but it’s necessary) to feel all your sensations. Then return to a neutral position with both feet next to each other. Relax. Think again about your problem. Now step forward with your right foot and enter the no zone. Trust your feelings again. Stay for 5 minutes in this position, then return to the starting position.
5. Determine your usual position in the dialogue
This is an exercise in pairs: you have only one word – “yes”, your partner – “no”. Act out the scene using only your word, changing gestures, facial expressions, volume and intonation. Enjoy this debate.
Then exchange words with your partner. In what position did you feel more confident? More familiar? Which one did you enjoy the most and from what? This will help you evaluate whether you are leaning towards yes or no.
6. Replace “I have to” with “I choose”
“Yes” and “no” are like black and white. But in life there are many colors and halftones. Therefore, so often inside our consciousness there are many different considerations, doubts, inner voices. For example, “in a crisis, I have to stay at my old job, although I would like to change it” or “I have to solve all the problems myself.”
Such a message makes you feel like a victim of circumstances or relationships, causes unpleasant feelings. It turns out “yes” reluctantly. Write these phrases in a different way, starting with “I choose..”: “I choose to stay in this job now. I choose to solve problems myself now.” Choice gives a sense of freedom.
“I said yes to the new big family”
Alexey, 48 years old, artist
That year, I just got out of a difficult relationship: I loved a woman for a long time, we had a son, and she cheated on me. I didn’t want to meet anyone. He lived alone, took care of his son, painted. In the book publishing house where I worked, I sometimes met a beautiful young employee. I heard from a colleague that she had a teenage daughter, but no husband, and, I remember, was delighted.
I found out that Olya also had a one-year-old son when my colleague and I went to her house on an urgent matter. And when, on the way back, a colleague told me that my son was adopted, and even with heart defects, I had a stupor. I didn’t understand how it was possible. To take a child from an orphanage into an incomplete family is what a responsibility!
And I was upset – for myself: I understood that a woman with a child is normal, I have a teenager myself, but with a foster one … I won’t pull it. Here, in addition to love for the child (it must also be taken somewhere), special knowledge is needed. And instead of making contact, I distanced myself.
Olya got in touch a little later, and we just talked. Went to a concert with a mutual friend. Then to the club – already the two of us. Began to visit her at home. I felt warm and comfortable there. And I liked the teenage daughter, very smart and with a good sense of humor. A few days later, I realized: it’s time to decide. It was unbearably difficult, I could not even draw. And I already bought the ring, but I was not sure that I would give it as a gift.
And then everything happened quickly: Olya called and said that she was waiting for me, that it was important to spend Christmas Eve together. So casually, without any hints, she said that I immediately called a taxi. I rode and wondered: why did I suffer? I had already made the decision, but I didn’t understand it.
It will soon be 10 years since we’ve been together. Most of all, I was worried that I could not cope with the foster boy. But it turned out that this is an ordinary child who first called me Shosha, then “dad”. He called himself, Olya did not ask. I am glad that I said yes to this family and I was accepted. It’s like I’m back home from a long hike.