Many of us go through this stage: life has ceased to please and we want something new. Is it possible to sort out these experiences on your own, without the help of a therapist? And how do you start your path to change?
The work of a therapist often resembles tutoring: we are just going through the lessons together that the «student» could do on his own. But not all people are ready for the degree of independence that the school called “life” requires of us, and in this case a psychologist can help. If you are a daredevil who wants to figure things out on their own, you may find it helpful to have a roadmap for change. This technique helps to move harmoniously through life for both my patients and myself.
1. Summarize previous experience. If you want change, it means that the current state of affairs does not suit you. What we have now is the result of habitual interaction with the outside world. It is impossible to radically change oneself and the world, but it is quite possible to take a tangible step.
This is where lists come in handy. For example: “My relationship with my boss is not good. They are like this because… For my part, I influenced the relationship to develop in this way by doing this and that… In order for the degree of the relationship to change, you need to try a different behavior than in the past, for example…”.
The opposite strategy would be to change jobs in the hope that another boss will create a different process magic. However, after a while, the person using this strategy will again find himself in an unsatisfactory situation. And, most likely, he will again refuse to analyze and look for something that he could change in his behavior.
We all need to evolve, but that doesn’t mean we should discount our current experience.
2. Find a resource in the present. What will help in the implementation of the plan? What to rely on, where to get strength? We figured out what was wrong from past experience. But there must be something that we were happy about. Some people like to move towards victory by pushing from the very bottom of their lives, but for most of us, such a jerk is uncomfortable.
“What I have now is already good enough,” is the best position to build on in order to move on. We all need to evolve, but this does not mean at all that it is worth devaluing your current experience. Finding support and resources in it, it will be much easier for us to decide on changes.
3. Think about strategy. There are two poles: true and guaranteed. What to choose — a slow movement towards the goal or risky behavior, where we trust chance, rely on luck and do not listen to the advice of an anxious environment? There is no right or wrong strategy. Each person tends to lean towards one of the two poles, and this largely depends on the situation.
However, for those who have sat too long in one or another pole, it may be interesting to try the opposite: spontaneous action, where a person seems to think only about himself, or, on the contrary, a cautious movement, where microscopic steps lead to the desired slowly but surely, without leaving places of risk.
4. Find a fork. By deciding to change, we leave the territory of the understandable and move towards the new and unknown. And there is definitely something waiting for us that will surprise us. It is impossible to sit on two chairs, launching a plan for life changes. It will not work to stay in the same context as it is now. Does it inspire? Or scary?
It is because of the fear of losing what is available and understandable (in exchange for the unknown) that many people refuse to move towards the new. But this is how life works: changes will happen anyway. Seeing the fork and making a decision, we become doers. Having obeyed the course of events and not daring to change in time, we become an instrument of other people’s actions.
5. Be prepared for obstacles. Moving towards your goal without a hitch can only be seen on someone else’s Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia). Real life is overcoming an obstacle course, it is a series of obstacles and counteractions. Those who give up at the first test (especially appealing to the sign system, saying the magic phrase “it means no destiny”) do not pass the test — a test of their willingness to work to improve life.
The main decision is the decision not to be a victim of circumstances anymore.
6. Remember the main goal. Changes may be very small, but it is important to remember that there is a big purpose behind them. For example, if you decide today that your son will now walk the dog every morning and every evening (as he promised six months ago), there is more to this decision than a daily exercise. You know that you form responsibility in the child and accustom to important things. And in the future it will affect all areas of his life.
A psychologist and special literature or courses can help a person on the way to change. But the chosen path is not so important. The main decision is the decision to no longer be a victim of circumstances, the decision to take fate into your own hands.