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Sometimes we suddenly notice that the look of a loved one has changed or become a little colder than usual, and we begin to be tormented by doubts: is everything in order in the relationship? It seems to us, or is his thoughts now devoted to someone else? The psychologist explains when people more often decide to cheat.
There are several times when we or our partner are most likely to cheat and move away from a loved one. In these situations, you should try to maintain contact in order to understand where the problem came from and how it can be solved. If you turn a blind eye to the fact that your partner is pulling away, something may soon happen that you will regret. What cases should be given special attention?
Before wedding
The excitement before marriage, doubts about the readiness for family life can really lead to treason. “Many couples are excited about the upcoming ceremony and the prospect of becoming a real family,” explains psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond. But quite often one of the partners feels that this is his last chance to express independent, free sexuality, especially if the couple has an agreement on monogamy. Often this happens a month or two before the wedding.
After the birth of the first child
The appearance of the first child for some parents, more often for fathers, becomes another trigger that causes the fear of «now I’m definitely bound for a long time.» “Having a baby can bring partners together like nothing else,” says Richmond. — But it can also serve as a reason for the separation of spouses. If the other parent is unnecessarily nervous or has gone headlong into the child, or if the child himself is “not easy”, constantly crying, not letting him sleep, or getting sick, the partner may want to return that part of the adult, “non-parental” life that he has lost.
When a career goes uphill
“If you feel at some point that work has become more important for a partner than you, this may mean that his priorities have changed,” says Richmond. — If he constantly stays late at work and does not tell why, it is appropriate to ask about it. Maybe there was an urgent project or an opportunity for promotion? Or has there been a rift in the relationship that makes spending time at work more fun? If a partner uses work as a cover for not wanting to be at home, the likelihood of infidelity increases.”
Upon reaching maturity
“This is especially true for women,” says Holly Richmond. — In my practice, I have seen many times how a woman’s worldview changes towards the end of the fourth decade. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, at this age, many have taken place professionally, they feel confident and know what they want from life. This sense of self is transferred to the sphere of personal life, a woman begins to perceive herself and her appearance in a different way. This causes a powerful sexual energy. Secondly, closer to the age of forty, the biological clock begins to actively tick. It doesn’t matter if a woman wants a child or not, her body understands that it doesn’t have much time left for reproduction. Libido and sexuality are increased.»
During a midlife crisis
“This applies to both men and women. For most, there comes a moment when they realize that they are not living the way they wanted and dreamed of, says Richmond. — Often this is accompanied by large-scale changes: a person abruptly goes on a diet, begins to seriously engage in sports, changes his career. Other people begin to give them compliments, admire their actions and decisions.
A person wants to receive more of this attention. Of course, it can be beneficial for the relationship if the partner supports these changes and voices his enthusiasm for the spouse who has begun a “new life”. But if a person in a midlife crisis does not find support at home, and at the same time he is admired elsewhere, he will want to return there.
After the death of a friend or relative
The loss of a loved one causes a flurry of emotions. “A crisis like this can both bring partners closer together and divide them,” explains Holly Richmond. “The death of a person who meant a lot to us sometimes makes us want to distance ourselves from those who are close and love us. We want to be alone with ourselves, but at the same time, inside we crave consolation, we are looking for someone who will help us survive the pain of loss. Or, on the contrary, we are looking for communication with someone who does not know about our pain, does not ask or talk about it. This allows you to hide the vulnerability.”
About the author: Holly Richmond is a psychologist and sex therapist.