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“I spent the best years on you, and you! ..” – what to do to avoid this sad scenario? How to understand in time that perhaps the person next to you does not see a joint future with you?
“Everything seems to be fine, but I doubt the seriousness of his intentions” – have you ever heard this from your girlfriends? Or maybe you yourself have said this about your partner more than once? According to clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo, there can be many reasons why a person may not be ready to bind himself to you in any way whatsoever.
For example, his previous romantic experience was too painful. Or he values freedom too much. Or – it’s a shame, but it happens – he is simply not sure that you are “the right one”, or he assumes that he can meet someone “better”.
Alas, this can be difficult to understand, and we have time to thoroughly fall in love with a person before we realize that he does not even consider the option of a future together with us. Here are a few tips from a psychologist to help you recognize this situation as early as possible.
1. He avoids talking about important topics.
Probably, you can easily and naturally chat with him on any topic. He can probably talk as much as he likes about politics, economics, philosophy and culture. But as soon as you move the conversation into a more serious and personal direction, he tries to change the subject, and if you try to “pressure”, he inevitably gets annoyed.
2. It sends mixed signals
Today you are planning a joint future, and tomorrow you no longer understand what is between you and whether you meet at all. Toxic partners do this intentionally to control loved ones, but your partner may not be doing it on purpose – he really is not sure of anything, confused or afraid of responsibility.
3. He creates and maintains distance between you.
Physical, emotional or sexual. Such people often enter into relationships with partners who are not free or with those who live in another city or even another country – simply because it frees them from having to make commitments.
No, of course, you can discuss joint plans for the weekend or the upcoming vacation with him, but that’s all. No talk of shared real estate, marriage, kids, or moving to another country together.
5. He doesn’t trust people
Most likely, he does not have many friends, and with those that he has, relations developed for a long time. He does not know how to easily make new acquaintances, he does not immediately open up to others and treats others with some suspicion – especially those who approach him with open arms.
6. He is a prisoner of the past
He may have had an experience of rejection, or loss, or abandonment. This happens to many of us, and entering into a new relationship after that is really scary (which is quite normal), but your partner is most likely bound hand and foot by the past, and he does not even try to free himself.
WHAT TO DO?
If right now your partner does not have serious intentions towards you, this does not mean that everything is lost and it’s time to disperse. He may need time – the question is whether you are ready to wait. And the situation, most likely, will not be resolved by itself. What can you do right now?
1. Start talking about what is important to you and what worries you
Ideally, without tears and anger. Share your plans and dreams. Talk about what you expect from the future. Check your own expectations with what your partner wants and plans. Otherwise, there is a great risk of living with each other for years and only then realizing that all this time you have been looking in different directions.
2. Recognize how you feel about each other
This is not easy and often painful, but it is much better to know right now that you are not “the one” for a person than, again, to spend years in fruitless waiting.
3. Thank your partner for every heart-to-heart conversation.
If he listened carefully to everything you said and shared his observations in response, be sure to say “thank you”. Even if it seems to you that this is a natural part of the relationship, it could be a difficult step for your partner. Appreciate any attempts to open up and empathize with you – thanks to your reaction, they will most likely increase over time.
And if that doesn’t help…
… admit that you have had enough. That you shouldn’t put up with a relationship you don’t like just because society says so. Or “the clock is ticking.” Or because your mother endured. Perhaps the time has come to say goodbye and move on – towards a person who will have exceptionally serious intentions towards you.