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Much has been written and said about gaslighting, but since at this very moment hundreds, if not thousands of us are still being made to doubt our own adequacy, it would be useful to talk about this phenomenon again.
Without repeating everything that has already been said before, in short, gaslighting is a manipulation technique used in any abusive relationship, whether it be romantic, family, friends or work. With its help, one person makes another doubt his own adequacy and a sober perception of reality.
Sooner or later, the victim of gaslighting begins to believe that something is wrong with her and wonders if she has lost her mind. This form of emotional abuse can lead to a variety of problems, including anxiety, depression, increased stress levels, and lower self-esteem.
The gaslighter uses a variety of methods to maintain control over the victim, including:
1. Fake misunderstanding
Have you ever heard that you “always complicate things”? This is one of the favorite techniques of gaslighters: they like to pretend that they simply do not understand what they are talking about. The subtext is this: there is no problem, you most likely just invented everything for yourself (in fact, that’s why you are regularly called on to “don’t wind up” and “don’t think of anything”).
2. Outright lies
The interlocutor composes on the go, supplements his story with all conceivable and inconceivable details and does not stop, even if his lie is obvious. Sometimes it works: yes, you are aware of how everything really happened, but your counterpart speaks so confidently and convincingly that you involuntarily begin to doubt your memories and assessment of what is happening. Especially when you are told that you are “confusing” or “just don’t remember”.
3. Negation
In order to defend his version of what is happening, the gaslighter is ready not only to compose something himself, but also to deny that everything was as you say, and also accuse you of lying. It is extremely difficult to resist this pressure.
4. Distraction
Gaslighters are real masters at taking you away from a painful subject and refocusing your attention. If this does not work, such a person will easily blame your loved ones, friends or relatives for giving you this or that “pernicious” idea.
5. Devalue feelings and memories
If you are constantly accused of being “too sensitive”, “exaggerating everything” and “making an elephant out of a fly”, this is a reason to be wary. And if you are frankly made to understand that your memories, feelings and thoughts are unimportant, too. If you listen to this regularly, sooner or later you can really believe that your suspicions or fears are groundless.
6. Imposing a sense of guilt
Do you feel compelled to regularly apologize – for your behavior, reactions, responses or actions? This is not just a “bell”, but a real “siren”. Most likely, the gaslighter has already managed to convince you that he is right and you are wrong, and apologizing to him (and to everyone else along with it) has become a habit for you.
What to do with all this?
If you notice that a partner, friend, acquaintance, relative or colleague is exhibiting the behavior described above towards you, it is important not to let things take their course. Try to look at the situation from the outside – how would you react if a close friend told you about something like that? How would you rate what is happening? And what would you advise him or her to do?
Remember, gaslighting is not a joke. Your mental health and self-confidence are at stake. Don’t let other people undermine them.