Many of us were rarely praised as children. And therefore we can go to extremes, admiring almost every gesture, every act of our own children. At the same time, the right praise can motivate the child and give him strength, and the wrong one will only allow him to rest on his laurels. We tell you how to proceed.
“The crazier you act, the crazier your kids get. The happier you are, the happier your children are” – why do these seemingly simple phrases turn out to be so complicated in reality? N. Latta is trying to answer this question, who calls his sons his main teachers.
Children, according to the author of the book “Before Your Child Drives You Crazy”, today are made from some other material – not from what it used to be: every day we disappeared in the yard, doing incomprehensible things, and even ourselves, without adults reached the school. Today it seems that we are dealing with aliens.
According to the author, representatives of the younger generation “… have become somehow complex and, obviously, more fragile.” But if it seems to you that your case is certainly the most hopeless, do not rush to despair. Perhaps this book will help you too. We are publishing an excerpt on how to properly praise a child, because praise is the foundation of effective parenting.
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“Praise is to children what water and sun are to plants. Praise is the holy grail of parenting.
Good behavior is reinforced with praise. You may think that it is easy to praise, but for many parents it is difficult. They simply do not know how to praise children. Some people find it inconvenient. This attitude towards praise also happens to those who themselves received it insufficiently. It’s hard to praise someone when you don’t know how it’s done.
Below I describe a few techniques for effective praise. Such praise helps to reinforce the desired behavior of children without punishing them.
- Praise for specific things. In professional jargon, such praise is called “marked”. You need to describe the behavior for which you praise the child: “Thank you for helping me deliver the products.” So in the minds of children, a connection will be developed between certain behavior and praise.
- Express a personal touch. When praising your child for good behavior, don’t forget to use the pronouns “I”, “me”. It is necessary that he understands that he is not being praised by some cosmic forces, but specifically by you: “I really liked the way you put on your pajamas” instead of “Well done! You put on your pajamas well.”
- Focus on the praise with all your attention. Don’t praise your child from the newspaper or TV, or from another room. Get up, go to him, sit down so that you can look into his eyes, and let him know that all your attention is now focused on him.
- Rejoice, or at least pretend to be delighted. The advice seems obvious, but we rarely follow it. It’s not enough to just say “well done” or “well done”. If you say it in a tired and disgruntled tone, still upset about what the child did five minutes ago, such praise will not work. Try to at least portray positive emotions on your face – the brighter and livelier, the better.
- Don’t forget physical contact. Children literally bloom when they are hugged, stroked, kissed. You must have seen more than once how monkeys look for fleas from each other, including from their cubs. For them, this is the highest pleasure. If you do not like fleas, then you can at least hug the child and cuddle him.
- Praise immediately. If you want to reinforce the behavior you want, don’t delay praise until later. As soon as you see something positive, immediately praise your child for it. The faster you start lavishing praise, the better he will understand what behavior he is being praised for. It also follows that more attention should be paid to good rather than bad behavior.
And to complete the picture, do not forget about the rule that should be firmly imprinted in your brain. Ignore behavior you don’t like. Praise the behavior you enjoy. Remembering this is quite easy, but very important. Once you understand the power of your attention, you will begin to use it to your advantage. Your sincere interest is the only weapon that will help you in the battle for peace in your own home.
For more parenting tips, see Before Your Child Drives You Crazy by N. Latta (Ripol Classic, 2012).