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Today, millions of people meet partners through the Internet. However, when trying to find your happiness on the Web, it is important to remember the rules of safety – and not only physical, but also psychological.
In recent years, prejudice against online dating has significantly weakened. Millions of people manage to build strong and healthy relationships by meeting online.
Dating sites and apps give us the opportunity to:
- meet people outside of our social circle whom we would otherwise never meet;
- overcome social isolation;
- consider many candidates and understand who we really want to find;
- find a partner with exactly those qualities and character traits that attract us;
- learn something new about yourself;
- find someone with whom you can build a long-term relationship.
At the same time, in such dating apps, we run the risk of:
- encounter deceivers and other dangerous personalities;
- meet people who themselves do not understand what they want, or are not ready to honestly say who they are looking for, come across tactless, rude or just strange and inadequate interlocutors;
- experience disappointment, experience unpleasant rejections;
- waste time and money.
“Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for people who are in a relationship or even married to register on dating sites, but at the same time claim that they are supposedly single,” recalls family therapist Dan Newhart. “It is no coincidence that on many sites you can find warnings about scammers who are trying to cash in on those who are looking for their love.”
We cannot check why a person actually registered in the application
Many users are known to be cunning about their weight, salary and occupation, and about half do not indicate their real age.
Anyone who has ever tried to get acquainted on the Internet, probably had to deal with the rudeness, tactlessness and optionality of online interlocutors. Often they try to hurt or offend us with something, or they just suddenly disappear without warning.
“On the Web, the old adage “In love and war, all means are good” is especially true. Of course, relationships are always associated with certain risks, but when meeting through mutual friends, at work, at the place of study, they are still less, Dan Newhart is sure. “We can’t verify why this or that person actually signed up for a dating app. We do not know if we can trust his words, and the warning signs are not always obvious at first sight.
Whatever the interlocutor tells us, we do not know if he is looking for a long-term relationship, or wants to find several lovers at once, or just trying to test his attractiveness, or playing some of his own games. Perhaps he already has a partner, and he wants to make him jealous.
With all that said, we can formulate a few basic safety rules for online dating.
1. Hope for the best, but don’t expect too much.
You may meet rude people or people who do not value honesty and a friendly attitude. Someone has just broken up with a partner and is now “scouting out the situation”, someone started an account under pressure from friends or relatives. Some may not be emotionally ready for a relationship, others will claim that they are looking for the love of their life, but in fact they do not want or cannot build a long-term relationship based on sincerity and intimacy.
Internet dating is so arranged that your interlocutor will most likely correspond with other people in parallel. The competition can be very tough, and many potential partners are weeded out very quickly.
The best thing to do is not to raise expectations, but at the same time, it is important not to fall into cynicism.
Some interlocutors may disappear without warning. Others may make you a “fallback” and occasionally write something in case relationships with those they are really interested in do not work out.
So it’s best not to overestimate your expectations. But at the same time, it is important not to fall into cynicism – this can prevent you from finding “the right” person. Remember: many people actually manage to build healthy and happy relationships after dating on the Internet. There is nothing impossible in this.
2. Pay attention to actions, not words
If someone promised to call back and did not do this, it already says something about him. If on the first date he or she talks about himself 80% of the time, this may be a sign of narcissism or just plain excitement, but in any case, you are probably looking for a partner who can not only talk, but also listen.
It is known that the true essence of a person is manifested in his actions. This is especially true with online dating. If someone lies about his age and then tries to justify himself, by doing so he clearly shows that he sees nothing wrong with lying and believes that the end justifies the means.
The anonymity and limitless choice on dating sites cause some to disdain potential partners. Beware of any display of disrespect.
3. Appreciate his personal qualities
Pay attention to:
- how this person reacts to criticism, disagreements, rejections,
- how he endures hardships and failures,
- How does he have a sense of humor
- how he treats strangers and service personnel,
- how to spend free time
- what matters most to him
- what your intuition and flair say.
4. Don’t take anything too personally.
The inappropriate or tactless behavior of others says much more about them than about you. Be aware of your boundaries and defend them, but don’t blame yourself for someone else’s rudeness.
Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Despite your best efforts, resentment and disappointment are possible. It is important not to suppress these feelings, to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and to learn the lessons for the future.
But if the interlocutor is uninteresting or indifferent to you, he is by definition not the person you need, no matter how attractive he may seem to you. You’re wasting your time trying to get his attention. The one you really need will be honest with you, will love you, respect and admire you. Don’t settle for less.
5. Do not give up other ways of dating
The Internet is just one way to meet potential partners. Effective, but far from the only one. Often, after spending a lot of time on the Web in search of love, we begin to better realize that there are other opportunities for dating: in a cafe, shop, on the street.
Go on group hikes, join a book club, bookstore book signing sessions, or public lectures on topics that interest you. By leading an active social life, you greatly increase your chances of meeting the “right” person.
6. Don’t get callous and cynical
Online dating can show both our best and worst qualities. Perhaps you feel more confident trying to show your best side in communication with potential partners.
Decide for yourself how you want to treat others and how you would like them to treat you. Ideally, you should treat everyone with respect and never intentionally humiliate another person.
A strong relationship is not possible if you are not willing to open your heart and be vulnerable. But for your own good, it’s best not to rush. You deserve a partner who treats you with love and respect.
About the Author: Dan Newhart is a family therapist.