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Men often initiate divorces. But what makes them take such a desperate step? Psychotherapists have revealed the most common reasons their clients break up their marriages.
For the most part, men undergoing psychotherapy still strive to save their marriage. However, if their partner allows the problems to worsen and does nothing on her own, the situation is unlikely to change significantly, says psychologist Antonio Borrello.
“Most marriages recover from short periods of crisis of adversity. After all, such recessions are absolutely normal, he says. – Nevertheless, there are couples who stretch these short periods for years, cultivate anger and apathy in themselves. Of course, few people want to live in such an atmosphere.”
But what exactly is the last straw for men who decide to leave their wife?
1. They don’t feel appreciated.
As a rule, men are ready to express love for their spouses and help them in everything. After all, it is important for them to realize that they are needed and useful. But if a husband feels that he is underestimated, he will soon begin to show only resentment in communication with his wife, says Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University’s Family Institute.
“In addition to sex and pleasant emotions, marriage also involves routine: partners have to agree on who will drive the car, how the mortgage will be paid … Letting men take responsibility in such matters is important. Otherwise, they will feel disappointed,” she says.
2. They can’t agree on expenses with their spouse.
Many men who see couples therapists are often unhappy with their wife’s poor financial decisions, according to Diana Barth, a psychotherapist and author of the Psychology Today Off The Couch blog. Especially often this problem is faced by men who earn more than their spouses or are the only breadwinners in the family.
“In counseling, I often hear: “My wife spends all the money I earn.” At the same time, often behind this complaint is not greed at all, but the feeling that the spouse takes the partner’s efforts for granted, Barth emphasizes. “According to most of these men, the problem would be settled if only their wife recognized the contribution of a man to life together and thanked him from time to time.”
3. They were cheated on
Yes, betrayal is definitely a big factor in divorce. Nevertheless, Antonio Borello is convinced that infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg. “When a man ends a marriage because of infidelity, it is almost impossible to understand how much of his decision is directly related to infidelity, and how much to other problems in the relationship. It is unlikely that an affair on the side would have happened in a happy marriage, ”the psychotherapist notes.
4. They no longer have anything in common with their spouse.
We must admit that over time, all people change. However, according to Barth, many men tend to think that the woman they married ten years ago will be the same person today as she was on her wedding day. The reality is that if you want to stay married, you will have to grow up together or you risk breaking up.
“I often hear men say, ‘We don’t have common interests anymore.’ He wants to vacation in the Caribbean, and she wants to go to a luxury hotel in Paris. He would like to go to the cinema, but for several hours they cannot choose a film that both would like, she explains. “These differences, which seem so mundane and insignificant, not only make you feel like you are no longer on the same wavelength, but also inspire a feeling that you are no longer respected.”
5. They feel valued.
According to Solomon, most men who decide to undergo psychotherapy feel that their partner perceives their behavior, emotions and reactions as abnormal. “It is not uncommon for men who have not previously experienced abusive behavior to resort to it because they are driven by a deep fear of not meeting the demands of their spouse. As a result, their aggression and irritability play the role of a kind of protective mechanisms for them,” she explains.
“Unfortunately, in this case, couples often fall into a painful cycle: she feels alone, so she criticizes the man, and because of this, he feels even more depressed, unworthy and inadequate and resorts to destructive behavior. And then, as a result, to divorce, ”adds Solomon.
6. Marriage lacks sex (or none at all)
According to Barth, when men in counseling complain about their lack of sexuality in their marriage, the most common thing they mention is that their spouse no longer finds them physically attractive.
“Sometimes the fear of not being good enough in bed is so great that the man’s psyche pushes it into the unconscious. In some cases, men do not admit to themselves what worries them. As a result, it turns out that it is easier for them to escape from such a marriage than to admit to themselves possible problems and start correcting them, ”the psychotherapist sums up.