Every mother wants to protect her daughter from mistakes. Wise by experience, she knows how to act in a given situation. Psychologist Catherine Fabrizio warns: it is better to refrain from giving advice if the child does not ask for it. Let your daughter find the right solution herself, and six questions will help in this.
You know this feeling: everything inside is demanding to give advice to your daughter, but you feel that this is not worth doing now. Have you noticed that:
- She ignores all your advice. From the depths of vast life experience and from the bottom of your heart, you give your daughter proven and invaluable advice. You yourself had to fill a hundred bumps to reach them. And what? She turns away and ignores or does exactly the opposite.
- She listens carefully and agrees, only to do as she planned later. As if you didn’t say anything to her, not a word! “Well, why not at least try to do what I advise?” you ask yourself this time.
As you once lacked these tips, you lacked someone who could prompt, save you from mistakes. And how you want now that there is someone to whom you are important — at least enough to listen to you. Sometimes it just breaks your heart.
You want to help and know how to do it, but your recommendations are discarded like yesterday’s newspaper.
You feel that your daughter expects something different from you, but you don’t know what it could be.
If this happens often, it might be time to take a step back and think. Ask yourself: is it important now that everything is right, or is it more important not to lose touch with the child? It is not so easy to understand this.
If you were raised in a Western culture, you, like many mothers, have a need to know the answers to all questions and do everything right. You feel an irresistible urge to make things right for your children and solve all their problems. But then you are left with two conflicting tasks: to be “everything” for them, but at the same time to let them go into greater adulthood. And it is impossible to solve them both at the same time.
What can be done? If it is more important for you to maintain an emotional connection with your grown daughter, then you are already ready to slightly change the approach to solving her problems.
Instead of telling her what to do on a case-by-case basis, ask 6 important questions. They shift the focus from you and your experience to the daughter, her competence and ability to solve any problem on her own.
So here are 6 questions to help you maintain closeness and trust with your growing daughter:
- What options do you think you have in this situation?
- What do you think is the main problem here?
- What is at stake?
- What do you want to get out of this situation?
- If you had the opportunity to do something, what would it be?
- What would you consider a success?
When you ask these questions in sequence, one after the other, you trust her perspective, her competence, and her ability to think and reason. Your child feels appreciated and not just corrected for their mistakes. This makes your relationship more open and trusting.
When you ask her questions to clarify the essence of the situation, instead of making recommendations, you show that you have complete confidence in her ability to build her own life.
If you let your daughter make her own decisions, the payoff will be immeasurable.
The next time any of your advice, if it sounds in a different situation, will be more likely to be heard.
If children don’t ask their parents for advice, in many cases they know what they need to do. The only problem is to put it into practice.
When a daughter talks it out to you, she, like any woman, finds the best ways and options. In addition, he receives invaluable support and confidence from you. This strengthens your relationship and ultimately helps her get things done and do what she feels is right for her.
If I could put a bug in the ear of all the mothers who have adult daughters, I would quietly say to them:
“Your daughter just spoke about her problem, she trusts you. Listen to her carefully and respectfully, give advice only if she asks for it! And before you do this, make sure that she feels your support, acceptance and approval.
It’s hard for all of us mothers to contain ourselves when we know the best answer. But if you allow your daughter to come to her own decision and support her, the payoff will be simply immeasurable.
Source: blogs.psychcentral.com