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A lot has been said and written about childhood trauma, but many still believe that “real” trauma occurs solely as a result of severe violence or terrible circumstances such as war or natural disaster. We understand why this is not so.
Not every trauma makes itself known loudly – we may not suspect that it lives in us for years, influencing every choice we make, and gradually changing all areas of our lives.
For example, if our parents neglect our emotional needs or are too self-absorbed, we grow up without a sense of security and support, and this affects how we build relationships with a partner. And if mom or dad “strangles” us with their love, controls our every step, then, growing up, we do not understand who we are and what we want.
What other behavior of adults can negatively affect the psyche of the child?
1. Denying the reality of the child
The baby does not have the slightest idea of who he is – his perception of himself is based on how his parents treat him, how they behave with him. And it is extremely important for him that adults recognize his needs, experience, the right to different feelings, and, in the end, himself.
This does not mean that parents should agree with the child on everything – it is enough to make it clear that his emotions are important, and the perception of what is happening is realistic. Alas, in the phrases “stop it”, “don’t invent it”, “it can’t be like that” there is distrust that undermines the child’s self-confidence.
2. Ban on certain feelings and emotions
Parents should not be blamed – they grew up at a time when feelings, especially “uncomfortable”, were usually suppressed and denied. Therefore, they, in turn, advised us to “get together”, “not to be so sensitive” and “not to get upset over trifles”.
Left alone with our feelings, we were forced to hide, suppress and mask them – otherwise we turned out to be “bad”, “inadequate” and, in general, somehow “not like that”. It’s no wonder that even as we grow up, many of us continue to doubt ourselves.
3. Ignore
Every child deserves unconditional love and acceptance – only in this way he feels safe, becomes calm and relaxed, and can develop normally. Alas, few parents can give this to their children and can fully meet their emotional and psychological needs.
Even if the parents provide for the child financially and brilliant prospects open before him, he may feel lonely and insecure. And this, in turn, begins to affect his relationships with other people.
4. Concentration on appearance
By constantly commenting on how a child looks, advising him or her to “get busy with yourself,” lose weight, and “get yourself in shape,” parents teach their son or daughter that appearance is the key to earning someone else’s approval (or losing it) . In such a family, the child does not feel that he is accepted for who he is. The consequences are not difficult to predict.
5. Attempts by parents to give the child what they themselves lacked in childhood
There is nothing wrong with trying not to repeat the educational mistakes of your parents, but sometimes the desire to compensate for your own unhappy childhood goes too far.
For example, an adult who, as a child, was not allowed to take a step on his own, may give the child too much freedom, and the latter may feel that his parents are indifferent, because they do not care about him at all.
Instead of listening to the needs and needs of his child, an adult continues to act, starting from his desires, and this is the road to nowhere.
6. Lack of control over your own emotions
Parental quarrels, scandals, accusations, manipulations, emotional outbursts – all this creates a stressful situation for the child. Many, alas, live in it for years, all their childhood, involuntarily considering themselves to be the culprits of parental quarrels. Feelings of guilt and shame become constant companions of such people.
In addition, in order to “survive”, such children have to carefully monitor the slightest fluctuations in the mood of an adult and, growing up, they strive to please everyone, just to prevent conflict.
Injury denial
Perhaps, after reading this text, you decided that everything described is not about you. Maybe it is. But in any case, none of us wants to feel like a victim. We do not want to believe that our parents caused us a serious injury, and our childhood was not so cloudless as we thought.
Such denial is quite normal, and yet we must remember that the concept of trauma is wider than we used to think. Trauma leaves scars on our psyche, and even if we do not notice them, this does not mean that they do not affect our lives.
About the Author: Dr. Nicole LePera is a clinical psychologist.