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Does a phrase thrown by chance in a conversation hurt you? Is it worth worrying? Sometimes these comments mean nothing. Sometimes it is beneficial for the interlocutor to make you feel guilty (even non-existent) in order to manipulate you. How to respond to such situations?
Manipulation with the help of guilt is the most elementary and common method of everyday manipulation. Think about how many times a month you play a grudge in front of your partner or friend so that he, feeling guilty, fulfills your desires. This is the most typical, but far from the only example.
1. “And other mothers will come!”
… The child declares in response to your refusal to come to a school holiday, a football match, a reporting concert of a music studio. You have a blockage at work, an annual report and ten other good reasons. However, you still feel guilty.
“It’s a matter of social pressure,” says psychologist Marie-Yves Landry. Some mothers are actively involved in the life of the child. As a result, your son or daughter is afraid to be different. And you, of course, are also worried.
How to behave? Decide if you are ready to sacrifice a job, a business meeting, or other plans for the sake of a child this time. If you can’t, promise to come next time. And then surely fulfill your obligations. And this time, a grandmother or aunt can go to school so that the child does not feel deprived of attention.
2. “And this is after what I did for you!”
… A father, mother or other elderly relative complains in response to a refusal to comply with his request. In this situation, it is logical to feel guilty, because your parents really put a lot of effort into your upbringing. Now you are investing in your children. But it’s your choice. Just like once upon a time sacrificing something for you was the choice of your parents.
How to behave? Try to tell your parents more often how much you appreciate them. And indulge as much as possible, without waiting for an insistent request. Then you can refuse in a certain situation without being tormented by guilt.
3. “I should have thought about it!”
… You are tormented by being stuck in traffic and hopelessly late for an important meeting. “If you often repeat this phrase, then you are used to blaming yourself for everything. Although sometimes we are simply powerless in the face of circumstances, ”explains the psychologist. Such behavior is counterproductive.
How to behave? Think, could you have foreseen this traffic jam? And will it help that you lament about it? Isn’t it more important to try to find a way out of the situation? For example, leave the car in the nearest parking lot and try to get to the right place by metro. Instead of blaming yourself for everything, it’s better to praise later that you were able to find the right solution.
4. “I need you to help me!”
… A colleague declares when you are about to leave the office. “The word “need” makes you feel obligated to do a duty. We were taught from childhood to help friends in a difficult situation. They suggested that a good person will always come to the rescue, ”explains the expert.
How to behave? Is your help really important in this situation? Why is a colleague asking you specifically? Can he manage on his own? And if you don’t, how serious are the consequences? Many factors influence the right decision in this situation. But most importantly, do not confuse friendships and relationships between colleagues.
5. “We all know how busy you are”
… A friend remarks ironically when you cancel a long-planned meeting. Sometimes hints, omissions, a special intonation and a meaningful look hurt more than directly expressed claims. And then you yourself conjecture the degree of resentment of a friend and its causes.
How to behave? Talk openly. Tell me why you can’t come. Perhaps he is not offended at all. Just don’t start with an apology and don’t try to make excuses. So you only show weakness. If the meeting failed not the first time because of your busyness or forgetfulness, think about how to please a friend. For example, give him a nice surprise, send him a cute card or a song you loved in school.
6. “You relaxed a little”
… So delicately your spouse hints that you have gained a couple of extra pounds. You yourself know that you are not in shape now, but this is your body. Why do you feel guilty? “In this case, it is born out of a conflict between the body that you have and the ideal figure that you have always dreamed of,” says Marie-Yves Landry. Who among us would not like to be slim. But for this you need to go on a diet and go to the gym. We don’t, and therefore we are ashamed of our laziness.”
How to behave? Instead of being ashamed or resentful of your partner for this reproach, it is better to discuss your relationship. What prompted his remark? Maybe he’s just worried? Afraid that you will lose your former lightness or that you may have health problems? Offer to start the fight for harmony together. Eating right or going to the gym is more fun together.
About the Expert: Marie-Yves Landry is a clinical psychologist based in Montreal. Specialist in stress, anxiety, adaptation.