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Such relationships are called “psychological flu”: they cause constant malaise, a feeling of heaviness and emptiness. And yet you still have a chance to get your life back, even if your partner is a pathological narcissist.
He is charming, confident, handsome and talented. It is so interesting with him that you endure for years his coldness and inattention, aggressive antics and constant depreciation. You are not ready to part with a narcissistic partner, but sooner or later despair comes.
What can be done? First of all, understand what drives you and your partner, learn to manage your expectations and, if possible, reconsider your behavior.
The advice given by clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula in Leave or Stay will help you keep yourself in touch with a narcissist and even improve your relationship.
1. Redefine expectations
How we used to do
We often stay in the wrong relationship in the hope that one day it will get better. We believe that if we do what is expected of us and try to become what our partner wants us to be, he will definitely change, he will treat us better and we will finally be happy.
How better
The bitter truth is that a narcissist will not change. Such people rarely go into therapy and even more rarely stay long enough for change to occur. But even in this case, the changes will be superficial. A narcissistic partner may begin to behave differently, but empathy and warmth cannot be taught.
Therefore, the main advice for those who decide to stay in such a relationship is to reconsider your expectations for a partner. It is pointless to demand five kilograms of red apples from a person who has only three kilograms of green ones.
You should not put your happiness in dependence on how the other person treats you, because it is most likely not about you. Try to accept the idea that it won’t get better and look for other sources of joy that are not tied to relationships.
2. Talk about problems the right way
How we used to do
You have probably noticed that in difficult situations you can’t wait for support from a narcissistic partner. Narcissists do not deal well with the emotions of other people, most often they perceive them as a nuisance and become irritated. Instead of sympathy, you run the risk of hearing that you did something wrong and that you yourself are to blame.
As a result, you have to cope not only with difficulties, but also with unpleasant emotions that arise in response to unexpected claims from a partner at the very moment when you are most vulnerable.
You also spend energy choosing your words carefully when talking about what happened, and trying in every possible way to soften the situation so as not to upset the narcissist.
How better
If you have a minor problem, it would be wiser to discuss it with someone else. If the problem is more serious and not only about you, but also about your partner (for example, you were in an accident in a car that you share), speak clearly, to the point and, if possible, immediately state the solution you found: “I had an accident. The damage is not severe, I have already called the insurance company and arranged for repairs.
How we used to do
Watch how the narcissist reacts to your good news for a few days. You may notice that after talking with your partner, there is not a trace of your joy left due to his depreciation and sarcastic questions and comments. There is a simple explanation for this: envy and low self-esteem (and behind the mask of grandiosity of the narcissist it is precisely this) that often prevents such people from enjoying our achievements and plans.
How better
It is much wiser to share joy with those who can share it: with parents, friends, colleagues, or a therapist. This is especially true of what has not yet happened – your plans and ideas.
Sometimes it’s easier for narcissists to celebrate your accomplishments in an area that doesn’t particularly interest them. If so, you can talk about how warmly your idea of taking the children to the museum was received in the parent chat, but it’s better to keep silent about the fact that your boss praised you.
4. Talk about neutral topics
How we used to do
We all want to talk about personal things: about what is happening in our lives, about dreams, about why we are sad today or what made us happy. Time after time we try to discuss with the narcissist what is important to us, but often we stumble upon cold indifference or incomprehension, and this hurts us.
How better
Neutral topics are the safest in dealing with a narcissist. First of all, because you yourself do not feel special emotions about them and it is more difficult to offend you. It’s hard to be offended by the statement that your story about how you enjoyed walking in the park at lunchtime is boring.
In addition, this approach to communication helps develop the ability to be in the moment and pay attention to everyday details: you need to find something that you can discuss over dinner with a partner.
5. Get warmth and empathy where it can be given.
How we used to do
Relationships with narcissists are often lonely. These people are not capable of the empathy and warmth that we all need.
Another problem is that we are often ashamed to talk to other people about what is happening in our relationship, so we prefer to remain silent, which only increases the feeling of loneliness.
How better
Support and empathy is important. Find someone who can listen to you without judgment. If there are no such people among your relatives and friends, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist.
6. Take care of yourself
How we used to do
Sometimes we wait for someone else to take care of us. We expect that the partner will listen to us, will be there when it is difficult for us, and just go to the cinema with us on the day off!
Narcissists think primarily about their own comfort and are often unpredictable. Therefore, if you agreed to spend the evening together, this does not mean that it will be so: he may find something more interesting at the last moment or simply decide that he is not in the mood.
How better
The ability to take care of yourself is one of the components of emotional maturity. Caring can manifest itself in acknowledging your emotions and allowing yourself to experience them, seeking help and support from the right people, or having a plan B in case the narcissist changes his mind and cancels the date.
Article Source: Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasul’s book Leave or Stay. How to Survive a Relationship with a Narcissist (2021).
“Leave or Stay” is a practical guide and tool for checking with reality. Ramani Durvasula, professor of psychology at California State University at Los Angeles, offers support for those who choose to end narcissistic relationships, and tips on how to avoid the trap for those who choose to stay.
Prepared by: Elena Tereschenkova