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Loss of work, lack of money, illness of children and loved ones invariably cause us the strongest fears. Behind these obvious anxieties, there are also those that could well become a reason for going to a psychotherapist. Cognitive psychologist Yakov Kochetkov describes the fears that he most often encounters in his work.
1. Fear of death
Situation. Andrei, 32, has a very busy period at work. After an unpleasant conversation with the leader, he went out into the corridor and felt a strong heartbeat. Andrei suddenly remembered that his grandfather had died of a heart attack, and was very afraid that he would die now. Such attacks of rapid heartbeat and panic fear began to repeat daily. Examination of doctors showed that he was perfectly healthy.
Expert comment: This is a basic fear closely related to many others – the fear of war, illness, helplessness … But the reasons that exacerbate it can be different. In the situation with Andrei, the fear of death triggered the accumulated stress. Fatigue and overexertion often cause strong feelings, which a person may consider a sign of a dangerous illness.
The experience of a tragic event or a strong reaction of someone close to death also causes this fear. Most often this happens to people with whom in childhood and adolescence they did not talk about illness and dying. The child has a need to be explained what death is, and that it will inevitably have to be accepted. Without such experience, it will be difficult for a person in adulthood to develop a concept that will help to come to terms with this.
There are very few mechanisms in our life that save us from the fear of death, one of them is religion. Therefore, today, when people do not have a truly deep faith, this fear is intensified.
The task of the psychotherapist: Help the client accept reality and adequately perceive possible risks. That is, to distinguish between deadly situations and those that are not so terrible. For example, for someone who is afraid of crashing on an airplane, it is important to show how small the probability of such a death is.
2. Fear of failure
Situation. Olga, 43, gives her best at work, and then she does housework until late and helps the children with homework. She strives to be a better mother, a wonderful wife and a responsible employee. And she is very much afraid that something will not work out for her and she will make a mistake somewhere. She fears she will make a mistake and get fired for it. Sometimes she thinks that because she is a “bad” mother (although in fact she pays a lot of attention to her children), her children will grow up with psychological problems and will not be successful in life.
Expert comment: Behind this fear is usually perfectionism. Such a person has been oriented by his parents to achieve high results since childhood. But some in adolescence themselves come to this thought: “If I am successful, achieve a lot in life, then I will feel good and be needed by other people.”
Often such a person wants to be the best in everything at once, which means that his anxiety with something he cannot cope with increases many times over. Unfortunately, perfectionism has a lot of sociocultural support. Fear of failure is one of the consequences of a competitive culture, a problem in big cities where the fittest survive.
The task of the psychotherapist: Reduce the level of perfectionism in the client, help him notice and appreciate his intermediate achievements. An extreme perfectionist usually thinks in terms of “everything” – “nothing”, “winner” – “loser”, so it is important for him to learn to set realistic goals and realize that one project can be successful and another not.
3. Fear of being alone
Situation. Hope, 30 years old, there is a young man. She does not like him too much, but she is very afraid that she will not get married, will not give birth to children and will be left alone. Therefore, she clings to this relationship with all her might, is ready to put up with what does not suit her. When the partner yells at her and raises his hand, she forgives him. Upon learning of his betrayal, she thought that the problem was in her and she should show more care and attention so that her partner would not leave her.
Expert comment:The pressure of the family and society plays a huge role here: have you not given birth yet, are you another one? But there is another root – broken attachment in the early relationship with the mother, the fear of being abandoned, because of which a person gets involved in relationships that do not suit him. He does not believe that he can find something better and that he is able to keep other people close to him.
The task of the psychotherapist:Strengthening self-esteem. A person who accepts himself and is confident in his abilities is more calm about the pressure of public opinion, he can abandon relationships in which he feels bad and wait for another meeting.
4. Fear of uncertainty
Situation.Elena, 49, fears that the economic situation will worsen even more and she will not be able to give her children a good education, and she is also afraid that something will happen to the children, she constantly calls them and sends messages.
She also worries about health problems she doesn’t understand. She constantly thinks that something will happen to her apartment, and returns home if it seems to her that she forgot to turn off the gas. Thoughts constantly revolve in her head, in which she sees the catastrophic outcome of any situation.
Expert comment:Anxiety about the future is familiar to everyone, it is especially strong in our country. But some of us are ready to recognize it as an inevitable part of life, while for others the state of uncertainty is unbearable. Everything with which such a person deals becomes an occasion for new fears.
Tolerance for uncertainty (not) is developed in childhood. A calm adult will say: “Well, it’s okay, as it will be, it will be so.” Anxious parents, on the other hand, tend to panic and plan hard. When any of their plans are frustrated, the course of life collapses. Usually the child learns the reaction of the parents to something unforeseen.
The task of the psychotherapist:Help the client accept uncertainty in general. Such people are very restless, they endlessly think about all possible solutions to the problem, which only worsens their condition. The psychologist teaches them to think rationally: “Can I change the situation? Then I change it. If I can’t, then I try not to think about it.” In dealing with this fear, mindfulness techniques (a type of meditation) are also useful, which allow you to stay in the “here and now” and not look into the future.
5. Fear of losing control
Situation.During a work dispute, Mikhail, 35, had the feeling that he was about to jump up and hit a colleague. After that, he began to fear all his negative emotions. As soon as anger rises in him, a picture immediately appears in his mind that now he will not be able to restrain himself and hit the interlocutor. This thought becomes so intrusive that it increasingly prevents him from communicating with others.
Expert comment: Such a person does not see the difference between emotions and behavior. Most likely, in childhood, his parents strictly forbade him to show negative emotions, and the child did not learn to catch the gradation of feelings and actions. He does not understand that it is possible to get angry, but this will not lead to loss of control over himself.
Faced with strong emotions in adulthood, he experiences intense fear and tries to suppress any negative impulses and thoughts. A person may feel like throwing himself under a train and stop entering the subway in fear of doing so. But in reality, such impulses almost never lead to a loss of control. A person who actually tends to lose control does not worry about it at all.
The task of the psychotherapist: Change behavior, not thinking. The psychologist conducts experiments that show the client: no matter how afraid he is of losing control, no matter how terrible thoughts come to his mind, he cannot lose it on purpose. Gradually one learns to distinguish between these things.
6. Fear of fear
Situation.Vasily, 41, suffered from panic disorder and was afraid of dying from a heart attack. Now, after examinations and detailed explanations from doctors, he understands that he will not die. But at the same time, all the symptoms of panic persist – the heart is pounding, the head is spinning, the palms are sweating. As a result, Vasily began to fear the very manifestations of anxiety. He does not even have a clear picture of what will happen, but this state is simply unbearable.
Expert comment:Everyone has their own sensitivity to anxiety. For some, it is relatively easy to bear, while for others, physical manifestations of anxiety can quickly cause panic attacks. It is very important for such a person to listen to himself and, when signs of fear of the “first level” appear, try to deal with it as soon as possible in order to prevent the problem from escalating.
The task of the psychotherapist:To experimentally show the client that he can bear his fear. There is, for example, a special exercise “hyperventilation” – very fast and deep breathing, which causes physically extremely unpleasant symptoms, similar to very strong fear – palpitations, dizziness, sweating.
Having artificially aroused a state of fear in the client, the psychologist asks him not to do anything. They watch together as the reaction calms down and nothing terrible happens. After regular training, a person gradually gets used to the feeling of fear.
About expert
Yakov Kochetkov – clinical psychologist, candidate of biological sciences, director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy, chief consultant of the private clinic Udensrose in Latvia.