Long-term therapy is not what a modern person needs. We want fast and clear results. We are focused on the future, opportunities and prospects. «Forget it and move on!» — they say to those who are trying to figure out their problems coming from childhood. They say so those who do not know what the psychological trauma that a child acquires in a dysfunctional family is.
Why is it so hard to forget negative lessons
Many people remember well the situations that turned their childhood into a nightmare. We remember that bullying was a team sport: sisters and brothers willingly participated in it with their parents. We remember how the mother did not notice for many days because of a minor misconduct, the cries of the father frightened and made us feel lonely.
It is much more difficult to understand how this abuse has affected and continues to affect us and our behavior. According to attachment theory, interactions with family members during childhood create working models in the unconscious: shared ideas about people, communication, and life in general.
Children’s ideas about the big world are formed on the basis of what they observe in their small family world.
An unloved child who is constantly accused of something defends himself by surrounding himself with “armor” and moving away from his own emotions.
If you were loved and protected in the family, you felt confident enough to explore new things and take risks, then most likely the world will seem full of opportunities for communication, relationships and self-realization. Even when faced with adversity, you will endure them steadfastly, consider them the exception, not the norm, and you will be able to learn important lessons from the experience. This is how a person with a reliable type of attachment sees the world.
But if bullying and insults are accepted in the family, and the child is ignored or ridiculed for being too sensitive, a different idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe world is formed in him. The unloved child, who was not taken seriously and was constantly accused of something, defends himself by surrounding himself with “armor” and moving away from his own emotions. A child who is sorely lacking in love and attention remains open, but at the same time always on the alert, afraid of being rejected.
Typical misconceptions that children in dysfunctional families learn
The misconceptions listed below are generalizations based on interviews I did for the book. Not every person trying to heal from the effects of a difficult childhood has learned these harmful lessons, but in most cases it is important to get rid of such beliefs in order to begin to live freely and happily.
1. There are always ulterior motives and pitfalls in love.
The child understands that love never comes just like that: it needs to be earned, but it can be lost as punishment for misconduct. Love becomes the subject of bargaining. This misrepresentation of love brings pain.
2. There are only winners and losers, successful people and losers.
In families where boycotts and scapegoating are accepted, the child often becomes a pale shadow of the real self. It seems that only one main character trait remains from him.
If the mother has pronounced narcissistic traits or a need for control, she either treats the child attentively and favorably, or rejects and ignores — there is no third way. An unloved child learns a distorted idea of himself from childhood and does not doubt its truth.
3. Bullying is the norm
As already mentioned, up to a certain point, every child is sure that the rules adopted in his family are the norm, and this happens everywhere. Insults also begin to seem normal to some children, and as adults they often do not even realize that someone is insulting them until they are pointed out to them. And even then they are more likely to look for excuses for the offender (“He is quick-tempered and said a lot of things out of anger, in fact he doesn’t think so”, “She doesn’t understand that her words hurt me”, “Well, these are just words and nothing more») than to defend.
4. Feelings make us weak and vulnerable
This delusion does not even need to be explained. Especially often it is formed in someone who was laughed at and called a sissy when he dared to show his pain.
5. Everyone can count only on themselves
It seems to children that if they are already despised in their own family, then others will all the more not love them and take care of them. Growing up, they suffer from the fact that nowhere and with no one can feel loved and loved. It hurts just as much as realizing that you are not loved by the person who brought you into the world.
6. Emotional intimacy only hurts.
This misconception is harmful for several reasons. Firstly, it teaches to put up with the inappropriate behavior of others, considering it the norm. Secondly, it provides an excuse not to seek close relationships with others, even if deep down you really want to. We are sure that love and intimacy will not give strength, but, on the contrary, will only deplete.
Recognizing these and other delusions is the first step to healing.
About the Author: Peg Streep is an author of books on psychology, personal and spiritual development.