Contents
Hello dear readers! The phrase: “I’m afraid to communicate with people” was said at least once in a lifetime, probably by every person. And today we will try to figure out why this happens and what can be done to feel confident and calm when in contact.
Entry
It is quite natural to experience anxiety and excitement when it becomes necessary to get acquainted, to talk with someone. Yes, even the most sociable personalities sometimes worry. It’s just that they, despite the fear, act, follow their own interest.
Each new situation touches the strings of the soul, the one who is always calm is actually indifferent, and this is a symptom of depression.
But it happens that the level of anxiety goes off scale, goes beyond the boundaries, appearing even in places where it should not be. And then it interferes with living fully, creating a lot of restrictions.
And if a person experiences difficulties not only in personal communication, but also at work, with relatives, in general, affecting almost all areas of his life, we are talking about social phobia.
Causes
Only you yourself or together with a specialist can figure out what is the true cause of a communication phobia.
The story of each person is unique, but I want to highlight a number of reasons that most often prevent you from living a full life, causing fear and anxiety even at the thought that you have to talk to someone.
projections
Projection is a defense mechanism that protects our psyche. It lies in the fact that a person can not accept some actions, thoughts, properties, etc. in himself, but “attribute” to the world around him. It concerns both positive and negative characteristics. For example, it’s not me who is angry, but other people are too cruel and aggressive.
But sometimes it exceeds its functions and harms. Why it becomes ashamed or scary even to look into the eyes of other people. Because any manifestation of facial expressions even of a stranger will be interpreted in relation to his person. In this case, it’s negative.
Has it ever happened to you that you unconsciously took responsibility for the mood of a loved one? When did it seem like you were the reason he was upset at the moment?
And to find out if this was so, a simple question helped: “Are you angry with me?”. But you can’t ask a stranger, and why, if “everything is clear anyway.”
That is why it is scary to talk to someone. After all, they will definitely be rejected, ridiculed, shamed, they will not understand, and so on.
While the other person is silent, you can come up with a lot of things that in fact will not reflect reality in any way. It is difficult for individuals who are “stuck” on this mechanism to “get out” beyond the limits of their own fantasies.
Temperament and personality type
Perhaps a person is simply an introvert and, watching other people, requires the same sociability and activity from himself.
Only now an introvert is someone who feels an urgent need for solitude, since internal processes are of more interest than what is happening in the outside world. Such a person rests, gains strength, recovers only when he feels peace, being alone.
The need to cross paths with others causes anxiety and tension. Especially large groups of people.
Injury
Unfortunately, life is very unpredictable and sometimes even a seemingly insignificant event can cause psychological trauma, which will make itself felt for a long time.
Having experienced rejection, shame or fear, it is very difficult to trust again later. I want to hide away and never face such feelings again. Because it seems that the strength to survive them is simply not enough.
Negative experiences can take away the basic trust in the world that is formed in infancy. And if it is violated, for example, when experiencing violence, both physical and emotional, especially from parents, the closest people in theory, a person simply does not expect anything good and is always, as it were, on the alert.
Where does the desire to get acquainted with someone come from then?
Low self-esteem
As a rule, they are terrified of the need to communicate, usually individuals who are not sufficiently confident in themselves. Problems with self-esteem cause anxiety every time there is a need to be visible to someone.
Then, of course, it is scary to speak publicly, to present a project, even if it is ideal, to get to know someone and, in general, to meet eyes.
Recommendations
clarification
I understand that this is quite difficult, but learn to test reality. This term in psychology means that it is necessary to check whether everything is really as it seems.
Suddenly, your potential interlocutor is frowning because he has a headache or it turned out that he does not have enough money to pay the bills. And you have already figured out for yourself that it is your person that causes a storm of emotions in him.
And how to stop being afraid if you do not change anything in your life? If you are more accustomed to simply avoiding contact and being alone with your experiences, then it is time to do something about it, once you have realized how unbearable and dangerous it is.
Therefore, learn to ask questions that will clarify the situation. For example, you might ask, “How are you?” or “Are you doing well, otherwise it seemed to me that you were in no mood?”. No need to come up with something supernatural, quite human simple questions that help to understand and notice other people. Instead of focusing only on your inner world.
Specialist help
If you understand that communication problems have arisen due to trauma in the past, contact a specialist for support. Because deep processes are difficult to live alone and complete without leaving some moments “open”, incomprehensible.
Leaning on another person, there are more chances to “face the truth”, and not run away, hide out of habit.
If you are afraid to sign up for a consultation, even on the Internet, ask your loved ones to help. If this is not possible, you will have to take the first steps towards “recovery”, withstanding a whole cocktail of experiences. But you will have a chance to change your life for the better. Restore trust in the world at least in small steps, but in no case stand still.
Exercise «Differences»
To answer the question, “Why am I afraid of a particular person or people?”, you will need to do an awareness exercise.
Think of the person you are most afraid of having to talk to. Which of your relatives, acquaintances does he remind you of?
For example, the boss looks strict and seems to always be unhappy with you, no matter how well you do a job. This is exactly how my mother always behaved, wanting to motivate her to achieve, she preferred only to condemn and devalue, not using praise at all.
So, take a sheet and write down at least five general characteristics. That is, what are the similarities between them. Then find the same number of points, only differences.
Then, when you meet him and begin to feel fear again, remember each difference. This will allow you to see, even if the boss from the example is real, real.
This technique may seem simple, but it can sometimes open your eyes to very obvious things.
Restoring self-esteem
Take care of your self-esteem, because as long as you think that you are worse than other people, you will continue to present yourself in the world, respectively, and allow you to be treated badly.
Every time you experience injustice and cruelty, you will only be convinced by your own theory that it is safer not to contact anyone at all. This is the only way to avoid pain.
But in fact, no one will violate your borders if you recognize the right to them and, moreover, to defend them.
Analysis
It is necessary to disassemble the problem into components — then it will not look so terrible. Analyze exactly at what moments you experience anxiety, confusion, shyness, and so on.
Think with whom exactly the contact does not cause such inconvenience and worries. Why? What are the similarities and differences between this person and the “dangerous”, in your opinion?
Perhaps by compiling this list, you will find resources that will help you in the future. Logic and reflection return the «ground underfoot.» Emotions can be so intense that it is impossible to notice, hear, understand something. And only by slightly shifting the focus of attention, calming down, there is a chance to see something that will help.
Ranking and experiment
Write down the situations that worry you the least bit. Rank them, starting with the least frightening. For example, meeting a girl on the street is much scarier than if you try to write a message on social networks.
And now proceed to such an individual training, the development of skills. Do an item as many times as needed to move on to a more difficult task.
Sometimes a person does not have enough experience, he simply does not know what to do, because before he managed to avoid tense situations, which is why it did not work out to develop sociability.
Completion
Almost everyone has complexes. Ideal people do not exist. And everyone is afraid of something. The main thing is not to stop, but taking care of safety, move forward. Yes, even shy, but still trying to say something.
Because the main condition for survival is the exchange of the individual with the external environment. Contact. That is, to give something and at the same time receive. Don’t get stuck on one thing. Therefore, try, act and listen to the desires and needs!
Also, we recommend that you read an article about psychological personality disorders.
Good luck to you and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina