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How often do we feel like we have asked for forgiveness enough, while the other is still offended and saddened. Accumulating, such disagreements put the relationship at risk. But misunderstandings can be avoided!
Offensive words, appointments and forgotten meetings, minor oversights and blunders with serious consequences … Everyday life gives thousands of reasons for false steps and mistakes in action or inaction. But if just apologizing is the minimum requirement for everyone, then apologizing correctly is know-how. It is not enough to say a few words, you still need to go through various stages that will allow you to correct a mistake or reduce the offense caused.
Some people think it’s enough to explain why it happened, points out coach John Kim, an “angry therapist,” as he calls himself. As if they justify themselves or protect themselves. But from a position of self-defence, it is impossible to express regret.
You can’t truly apologize without admitting that we’ve harmed or hurt someone else. In 2016, Roy Levicki, Distinguished Professor at Columbia University (USA), conducted an experiment in which 755 people took part. Topic: What kind of apology really restores a relationship? As a result, 6 determining factors were identified.
1. Express regret
“I’m really sorry,” “I’m sorry it happened”… Expressing remorse clearly, as sincerely as possible, is the starting point. We have a tendency to start with explanations that sound unpleasant, as if we were absolved of responsibility in this way. It is clear that this does not cause sympathy and does not improve relations. Instead, it is better to say (and it is even better to think so) that we understand that we hurt the interlocutor or damaged something in our relationship. Only such an understanding, clearly expressed aloud, will help the other to listen to us.
2. Explain what happened
To restore a relationship, it is not enough to say that we are sorry. Give yourself time to explain: how did it happen that you caused another suffering, voluntarily or unwittingly. You need to talk about it, because in this way you confirm that this relationship is of value to you. It is important that the interlocutor understands what led you to the mistake – the course of events, state of mind, attendant circumstances, misunderstanding. This will give him a clear idea of what was at stake and why you lost. This will help him clarify the situation and later decide whether he can forgive or not.
3. Accept your responsibility
It should be noted that we have a tendency to find excuses for ourselves even at the time when we are trying to ask for forgiveness. It’s not very fair and not very productive. Acknowledging our responsibility and not looking for ways to free ourselves from guilt is the minimum that we should do in case we have already happened to cross the control line.
It is possible to hurt another without even having such an intention, but this does not change the reality of the wounds inflicted. Telling him to forget about it or ignore it is wrong, it’s much better to acknowledge the damage and express regret about it, rather than get stuck at step 2, explaining that he has to deal with it and that, after all, the damage is not so great .
4. Talk about your feelings
After we’ve expressed regret, explained the facts, and acknowledged our responsibility, it’s time to talk about feelings. It is important that we tell the other about everything: guilt, embarrassment, sadness, shame … Put into words all the experiences, and let this become evidence of the empathy that we obviously lacked at the moment when we hurt the other.
The expression of regret allows the interlocutor to understand that we understand the extent of his suffering and that he suffers as a result of our actions. This in itself can be healing.
5. Offer to fix everything
This stage is especially suitable for cases where the damage can be measured. But not only. Now you can ask the other what can be fixed, how to alleviate the pain that you caused him. This, of course, is not about restoring his peace of mind or good mood, but about offering to fix what is possible in a way that is suitable for him, in order to reduce the damage that has been done to him.
6. Ask for forgiveness
The final stage is to ask for forgiveness, expressing this request sincerely and modestly. Forgiveness is an offer to restore a broken balance in a relationship or a broken agreement. But the other is free to give you this forgiveness or refuse. And you should accept this opportunity. We are too often convinced that the mere fact that we have asked for forgiveness should guarantee us agreement and acceptance on the part of the other.
But we must remember that refusal to forgive is sometimes the only way for the other to stop suffering. All we can do is put all our sincerity into asking for forgiveness and then live the moment fully, with a clear awareness of our freedom of choice while still holding out hope for the relationship to be restored.