Contents
There are a number of conditions that are absolutely necessary for the happiness of two. We have selected six of the most important ones, in our opinion. And although the degree of their significance at different points in the life of a couple may change, each condition should always be part of the relationship of partners.
1. Mutual tolerance
Why is it hard
If you think about it, our differences are at the heart of every love story. It is they who attract, cause an irresistible desire to get to know the other person better, make him unique in our eyes. “Don’t we say: “It’s impossible not to love him (or her), because he is not like everyone else,” says family psychotherapist Viktor Makarov. “But time passes, and it is precisely those features of the partner that inspired at first, sometimes begin to annoy and even become unbearable.”
Why is this happening? We mistakenly believe that building something solid and solid together is possible only with complete unanimity on all issues. Another possible reason for our intolerance is the inability to completely distract from the figures of our parents, building relationships in our own couple. “Unconsciously, we are looking for in a partner a resemblance to the traits of a mother or father – or their complete opposite,” Viktor Makarov clarifies. “And we are inevitably disappointed when we realize the inadequacy of the replacement.”
Often, the unconscious image of the ideal partner that each of us has also interferes with us. “To see the differences of another means to admit that he does not correspond in everything to the desired image drawn by the imagination,” Viktor Makarov notes. This discovery can be a disappointment that some experience … as the end of love.
Why is it important
Love is born at the moment when each of the two sees and accepts what constitutes the originality of the other: we can love him exactly as he really is. Renowned analytic psychotherapist Robert Johnson calls this relationship “mature love.” By refusing to create an ideal or fantasy-born couple, we get a chance to make our union unique: its uniqueness is precisely in what each one brings to the relationship with his dissimilarity.
Accepting another’s difference also means recognizing his need and right to have his own space. This is absolutely essential if we are to avoid the feeling of pressure, the kind of “suffocation” that comes from being too close in daily life. Natalia, 35, recalls that she struggled with Sergei’s passion for playing football with friends.
“Every Saturday he disappeared in training … I could not understand this: it seemed to me that he was just trying to escape from me!” But one day she came to him at the stadium. “I saw how he, forgetting about everything, enthusiastically chases the ball with his friends. When he saw me, he became embarrassed. Although he did not dare to tell me about it, I felt superfluous: it was his element, his separate life, and not our common one. After that, Natalya also found an occupation for herself, which she is very interested in: on Saturdays she dances flamenco, and this has nothing to do with Sergey.
What to do
Recognize differences. “He is an owl, and I am a lark”, “She loves the sea, and I love the mountains” … Formulate the differences between you, this will help you see the other as he is, and not as he seemed or would like. Getting to know your partner better, and at the same time yourself, you will be able to more easily resolve conflicts.
Understand what’s good about them. “In order to live together for a long time, one must not only recognize the partner’s right to be different, but also love his individual traits, because they are the ones that feed the couple’s life,” Viktor Makarov explains.
Correlate Features. You must try to find those points in which you are ready to give in. Of course, it’s not about doing it on a list. You just need to think about ways to combine your differences so as not to oppose, but complement each other. And remember at the same time that the agreement reached is never final: its conditions change as each of the partners and the couple as a whole changes.
Show more curiosity than fear. “Having discovered years later that the other still remains unlike us, we may be afraid that he will eventually stop loving us or want something new from the relationship,” says Viktor Makarov.
There is a way out of this situation: “… carefully listen to the other, look into everyone’s eyes, allow yourself to be surprised by the other or slightly change your habits … And most importantly, agree that the universe of the other can keep its secret. After all, it is this mystery, the impossibility to fully know, understand, exhaust the other that gives rise to our attraction to him.
Why is it hard
“When falling in love begins to give way to a mature relationship, partners sometimes realize that they … do not have mutual understanding on the main issues,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva. In other words, it becomes clear to them that they have different life values. These values are determined by the moral position of each. This is how we look at life, the principles that we have chosen for ourselves and by which we live every day.
Our values are formed under the influence of upbringing and education, the characteristics of our personality, social environment, cultural environment and, finally, our own experience. Under the influence of so many factors, values cannot completely coincide in different people, and besides, they change significantly over the years. “If the views of partners are radically opposite, it will be difficult for them to build relationships,” warns Maria Andreeva.
Why is it important
The life values of a person determine the hierarchy of his priorities, desires and needs. It depends on them how we build our life in society, relationships with other people, including in a couple. Is marital fidelity important to us, or is it of secondary importance? Do we see mutual aid as a fundamental value, or do we prefer competition? Do partners invest the same meaning in money and work, do they share the idea that “family is sacred”?
Elena, 43, a divorce survivor, says: “Like all my relatives, I attach great importance to family rituals, joint dinners and holidays. And my ex-husband couldn’t stand it! I hoped that over time he would get used to it … But this never happened.
To avoid a clash of values, there is one simple way: try to find out the views of a partner in advance
A different approach to the same issues can become a problem when children appear in the family, since each partner will insist on his own rules of upbringing, based on what he considers to be the main thing in life. “Often the appearance of a child reveals contradictions that were not visible before,” notes Maria Andreeva.
So, 30-year-old Polina believes that education should be based on “love, encouragement and freedom.” And according to her husband, “a child needs a clear framework and discipline.” Having found out that their positions are very different, the couple decided not to have children for the time being. But then what? Is separation really the only way out for those whose values do not match?
What to do
Discuss. To avoid a clash of values, there is one simple way: try to find out the views of a partner in advance. “Take the time to get to know each other, talk more, discuss any little things,” suggests Maria Andreeva. In conversations about life, society, family, our priorities often appear, and at the same time a fundamental mismatch of values.
“Once a friend and I watched a report from Cuba, a story about Fidel Castro,” recalls 36-year-old Svetlana. – And suddenly he began to talk with fervor about the need for a dictatorship, a “firm hand” … At first I was very surprised, and then I suddenly realized that I imagine life, the structure of society, human relations in a completely different way. And somehow it immediately became clear to me that we do not have a common future.
Accept. Everything is possible for two, as long as there is love and respect between them. If they decide to unite, then each must sincerely and consciously accept the principles by which the world of the other exists.
Share family history. To make it easier for partners to understand each other and come to an agreement on common values, the American psychologist John Gottman invites them to talk about relatives and family history in general, which invariably serves as the main source of each person’s individual values.
The book Seven Principles for a Viable Couple contains the story of a woman who grew up in an immigrant family. Telling her husband about her ancestors who came to the United States, she always emphasized that loyalty and devotion are fundamental values for her. And her husband often remembers his grandmother, whose generosity and generosity remain for him a model of human qualities. “After they shared their memories with each other and with the children, the story of one became the story of another. Thus emerged the common history of the new family they created,” writes John Gottman.
Create shared value. If the partners do not have common values, they always have the opportunity to make common values of each of them, and then from this “mixture” there will no longer be their personal views, but the values of a new couple that begins to create their own family history.
3. Friendly closeness
Why is it hard
The statement that spouses are also friends does not seem so obvious to many. After all, we usually imagine love as a romantic, passionate, sexual feeling … Meanwhile, the very first conclusion made by John Gottman on the basis of many years of studying married couples is: “True friendship is the basis of happy marriages.”
Friendship arises from common interests and hobbies, but also from mutual respect and support, from the desire to listen to the joys and sufferings of another.
“In happy marriages, spouses know each other down to the smallest detail,” says John Gottman. “They are well aware of what the other loves or does not love, his characteristics, hopes, dreams.” And this is possible only when each partner is constantly attentive to the other, which is not easy: people see each other every day and forget to look at each other. In addition, many believe that it is necessary to be friends with friends, and not with loved ones, leaving sex and … conflicts to the share of family life.
Why is it important
“A best friend, a best friend, is someone or someone we love, who we choose, who we know best, and who knows us best. We can rely on this person, with him we share memories and plans, hopes and fears, joys and sorrows … ”- writes the French philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville in Petit Traité des grandes vertus. And he concludes: “Isn’t it obvious that this is how things are in a married couple?”
In friendly relations there is a “current of tenderness”, which, along with the “erotic current”, becomes a component of the marital union. Erotic current is sexuality, passionate feelings. “And the current of tenderness brings to everyone a kind of continuation of maternal love, something that invariably encourages, consoles, supports,” explains Vadim Petrovsky. “This tenderness gives us confidence that even when we feel bad, we are not alone.”
Without prejudice to love and desire, tenderness perfectly complements them. “From time to time, sexual desire is dulled,” continues Vadim Petrovsky. “It’s good if, in moments of calm, partners can rely on a different emotional component – tenderness.”
Small signs of attention mean much more than rare, albeit fiery declarations of love.
The degree of friendly intimacy between partners primarily depends on how well the partners know each other. Do they have a detailed “map” of the world that is the other? John Gottman says that this “map” is located in a special area of the brain: all the essential information about a loved one is stored there. Guided by her, the wife avoids talking about politics in front of her husband, which he cannot stand, and he, in turn, does not forget to bring her her favorite spices from business trips.
According to the American psychologist, these small signs of attention mean much more than rare, albeit fiery declarations of love, because they allow you to maintain a spiritual connection every day. Strengthening intimacy and affection, they serve as two secret means that allow you to overcome the storms in married life. The stronger the bonds of friendship and intimacy in a couple, the better they protect partners from aggressive feelings: what binds them is always more important (or at least important enough) compared to any stumbling block.
What to do
Spend free time together. “To make friends, try to spend more time together, do what pleases both of you,” advises Vadim Petrovsky. Take care of the garden, play sports, go for a walk, go to the movies, get involved in long-term projects that require your regular participation together.
Create your own rituals. The anniversary of an acquaintance, wedding, and even the first quarrel is an occasion to look back at the path traveled with humor and pride. This is how traditions are created, what John Gottman calls “couple culture.”
Get to know each other more deeply. For example, playing a game where you need to name your partner’s best friends and those who annoy him, guess his most cherished dream or favorite melody …
show tenderness. Of course, it is impossible to be there every second and give all your attention and time to your loved one every time. One of the two will always have a reason to feel abandoned … In this case, instead of reproaches (“You are never gentle with me”), try to restore the “current of tenderness”, first giving it to your partner yourself.
4. Talk to each other
Why is it hard
“If partners want to get closer and get to know each other more deeply, of course, they must communicate,” states Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. But here’s the paradox: the more complex and subtle thoughts we share with a partner, the higher the likelihood of … misunderstanding, misinterpretation and disappointment: “I never suspected that you could think such a thing, I just don’t recognize you!”
And since we don’t recognize our partner, what if he is no longer the same as we thought? How can we continue to love him? Conversation between partners is a subtle art. To do this, it is not enough to follow the rules of communication set forth by Carl Rogers in A View of Psychotherapy. Becoming a person”: talk about your feelings towards the behavior of another, and not criticize him, more often speak in the first person (“I”), and not in the second (“you”), etc.
What works in relationships between colleagues or in pedagogy fails in love communication due to the high emotional tension between the interlocutors. The partners are immersed in their relationship, there is no distance between them that would allow each to simply perceive the words of the other, without blaming or making judgments.
If you, in accordance with all the canons of communication, say: “I don’t feel happy in our relationship right now,” the partner is likely to hear a reproach: “You can’t make me happy.” In addition, there are days when he would prefer not to know anything about the existential problems of a girlfriend, even knowing how important it is for her to be heard … The risk of misunderstanding between partners is also connected with the fact that the way of communication depends on gender and, more broadly, on character and upbringing of a person. By imposing our manner of communication, we thereby may neglect the needs of another.
Why is it important
Does this mean that for a strong and lasting relationship it is better to be more silent? Of course not. To communicate means to share thoughts and emotions, and this, among other things, is the meaning of life together.
Communication is, by definition, the exchange of information, and not the splashing of emotions, experiences and thoughts.
“Words help to get to know and understand each other better, not to guess, but to get an answer to any questions – who likes what or what they want,” says Stanislav Raevsky. “In addition, conversation reduces the distance between partners, helps to overcome crises and realize yourself as a couple.” Communication gives partners an irreplaceable sense of security: speaking with you, I prove to you that you exist for me.
But what about the well-known idea that lovers understand each other without words? Understatement is dangerous, it allows the accumulated discontent and mutual claims to spoil the relationship. “Love does not make us transparent, it is a harmful delusion to think that spouses do not need to talk,” says family therapist Anna Varga. “We need to try to be understood, otherwise we risk drowning in our own inventions.”
What to do
Talk but not all. For communication to be successful, you must first set its boundaries. Communication is, by definition, the exchange of information, and not the splashing of emotions, experiences and thoughts. Streams of words, even without reproaches, clutter up the space of another, take away his energy. The main thing in communication is not the ability to say or hear absolutely everything, but our confidence that we can share absolutely everything with each other. This subtle difference is very important, because in the latter case, relationships are based on trust.
meet to talk. A leisurely conversation in private is a great opportunity to calmly discuss difficult or painful topics that, if brought up in the heat of an argument, will only exacerbate the conflict. But a tete-a-tete conversation is needed not only for this. If there are words in which it is better for partners not to know the measure, these are words about how good they are together and how many wonderful things they have done together. It is a pity that over time, spouses begin to forget about these positive messages that fuel a happy couple.
Book on the topic
“How to Build Yourself and Your Family” by Virginia Satir
The exchange of information, the determination of the value of another, the change in self-esteem … Styles of communication in the family are analyzed in detail by the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir. This is not only a way to get pleasure and deliver it to another, but also an opportunity to reveal yourself, to become closer to each other. The task of the two is to make sure that sexual relations do not lose their sharpness and freshness over time.
5. Harmony in sex
Why is it hard
Living together for many years and enjoying sex is the dream of all married couples, but not everyone is sure that it will be so. Why? “When the first stage of the relationship passes, the spouses often have the feeling that in this area they have already done everything that was possible,” explains family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. They know what gestures and caresses give pleasure to both, and are limited only to them. Whereas variety and novelty bring pleasure.
“After all, in this sense, the one who perceives sex as a space for joint creativity always wins,” adds Inna Khamitova.
The time spent together is not an obstacle to discovering new sexual pleasures together. But it happens that, paradoxically, partners over the years begin to be more shy of each other, do not dare to talk about their desires for fear that the other will not understand them.
Another serious obstacle to sexual harmony is … excessive intimacy. “Spouses who spend all the time together often stop seeing each other for real, perceiving their partner as a different person, different from themselves,” explains sexologist Jean-Michel Fitremann. “While desire is born precisely from this distance, the desire to get as close as possible to the most intimate essence of another person.”
Why is it important
For a long time, sexual relations were considered to be something secondary to the well-being of the marital union. But today we are giving this aspect of a couple’s life more and more importance. Why? “Everything we learn about sexuality from TV shows, magazines or films makes us come to the conclusion that a couple cannot be happy without an ideal intimate life,” explains Inna Khamitova. In addition, we live in an era of striving for the flowering of individuality.
For some partners, affection is more important, for others – the moment of penetration, for others – the realization of their erotic fantasies …
“Today we are much more ready than before to pay attention to what does not satisfy us and do everything possible to fix it,” adds Jean-Michel Fitremann. Does sexuality deserve to be given such an important role by partners? “Yes,” the sexologist replies. “Since most of us consider sexuality to be a protected area in a couple’s life, and any inconsistency in this area as sufficient grounds for divorce, it is quite normal that couples seeking to stay together for a long time expect the very best that it can give from sexuality.” .
What to do
Get rid of prejudice. “Forget about all sorts of “norms,” advises Inna Khamitova. “And also about fantasizing that it might be better somewhere else and with someone else. Each couple determines for itself what helps relationships develop and flourish, and for this, spouses need to learn to find common ground, talk and negotiate with each other.
For some partners, affection is more important, for others – the moment of penetration, for others – the fulfillment of their erotic fantasies … Harmony in sex comes when partners satisfy each other’s needs. Surprise and surprise. Kissing or caressing differently, talking more (or less) while making love… It is only by trying and experimenting that we can get a taste for what we do not know enough or have not yet had the opportunity to appreciate.
Talk to each other about sex. And not just in bed. “Tonight it seemed to me that you didn’t really like it when I …” Or: “I would not really want it to be like last time, but …” Such conversations feed the couple’s erotic fantasies, give each of the partners the key to movement forward.
Making love constantly. No couple can avoid periods of calm when sex is simply not wanted. At these times, it is important not to allow abstinence to become a habit, as the taste for lovemaking is maintained by practice. “If you are not driven by a desire for extraordinary power, you should not wait until it appears,” advises Jean-Michel Fitremann. “It is important to maintain contact at the level of sexuality even when partners are less close to each other.”
Rest away from each other. What if the desire doesn’t come? According to a German proverb, “Love lives when the wind blows between lovers.” In other words, it is worth breathing in fresh air, trying to change the situation – this will allow everyone to feel independent again, experience the sadness of separation and regain desire … Then you will be pleased to meet again for a sensual date. Or not for him!
“You should not think that the marital union is based solely on sex,” emphasizes Inna Khamitova. “Sexuality is just one way to have fun together.”
Book on the topic
“The Psychology of Sex” by Eric Berne
How to achieve harmony in love and sex? Different aspects of sexuality – in the witty observations of a famous American scientist.
To move forward, the couple needs to see their future. And it can constantly inspire partners if they manage to find a common essence in each other’s dreams and desires.
Why is it hard
Having children, building a house, going on vacation next summer… Even such obvious plans for a couple’s life can be a problem for some. To plan for the future, at the very least, you need to be sure that the relationship will continue – which modern divorce statistics make very doubtful …
“Now we will invest in an apartment, but what will happen to us in ten years? If we don’t stay together, then who will pay the loan?”
Modern marriages are becoming increasingly fragile, and lovers today are increasingly inclined to live according to what Sigmund Freud called the “pleasure principle” as opposed to the “reality principle.” And in order to discuss joint plans, it is necessary to stand with both feet on the ground of reality.
Another reason that prevents partners from willingly making common plans is the fear that their implementation will force them to sacrifice personal ambitions. “What will happen to my thesis dream if she wants to have three children?”
Why is it important
And yet it is impossible to go through life without making plans for the future. This statement is true both for each of us individually, and for any couple in whose relations joint plans bring an additional element of reliability and aspiration to the future.
“The first and most important common project of partners is, of course, the creation of their own union,” says family psychotherapist Anna Varga. – To make it a reality, two people need to feel a sincere desire to be together and be aware of all the consequences of this decision: new responsibility, support and participation in the life of another … In order for the union to exist happily ever after, it is important for partners from the very beginning to perceive it as a project of their whole life and take care of him in a series of life’s troubles.
All future family plans will be based on this basic project, without which it simply makes no sense to think about everything else.
Dreaming together is useful even when there is no absolute certainty that these dreams will come true
Another mission of joint plans is to bring dynamism to the life of a couple, to encourage the two to take a certain amount of risk and act without letting themselves be captured by the daily routine. Moving to another city or country, starting a family business… Not all of these projects will be able to materialize. And here the couple enters the territory of dreams.
“Dreaming together is useful even when there is no absolute certainty that these dreams will come true,” says Anna Varga. “If two people look far ahead (“How good it will be for us there!”), It means that they are determined to invest in their project for a long time and, accordingly, stay together.” Such dreams create for two only their own, only available to them and their unifying fantasy space.
In parallel with the common ones, it is important for each of the partners to keep their own plans and dreams. This is the only way to find a balance between the two forces that drive lovers: the desire to merge together and be independent individuals. “Today, the reason for many divorces is precisely the fact that one of the spouses does not feel enough support in marriage for his aspirations,” confirms the sexologist Yvon Dallaire, “and does not find the opportunity to keep his own dreams.”
What to do
Talk about your desires. “Each of the two should share personal plans so that the couple can discuss them and include them in joint projects,” says Anna Varga. How many children would we like to have? Buy your own home or rent an apartment? It is important to understand that plans can be flexible: as the relationship develops, one of the partners at some point may give in to the desire of the other.
look ahead. For 29-year-old Lika and 38-year-old Dmitry, discussing plans has become a habit. “Everyone talks about how they see themselves in a year or five years. So we check if we are on the same wavelength, and then we try to coordinate the possibilities and desires. So, once Lika admitted that in a couple of years she would like to have a child, while Dmitry planned to get a second higher education.
“It seemed to us that one was incompatible with the other, but then we decided that we could still have a baby … and take out a loan at the same time!” “It is not necessary to share dreams in order to help a partner realize them, but you need to know his dreams (as well as your own!) To treat them with respect,” concludes Yvon Dallaire.
Book on the topic
“Systemic Family Psychotherapy” by Anna Varga
The family system exists according to its own laws, knowing which you can help it work without failures. About the properties of the family as a system – these are lectures by Anna Varga, psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences, systemic family psychotherapist.