6 important questions about your sexuality

Sexual well-being was not considered an important part of a couple’s overall well-being until half a century ago. Yes — great, no — sorry, but oh well, not sex in the family is the main thing. Worse, women prioritized men’s sexual satisfaction over their own.

A lot has changed in recent decades, and it has changed dramatically. Orgasm is not just sought after: it is demanded. High-quality sex has become the main condition for a happy life together, and the lack of sexual satisfaction is a common cause of divorce.

At the same time, partners do not always understand that satisfaction from sex is not limited to what happens in bed. It depends on how we treat ourselves, how our partner looks at us, what kind of relationship we have with him, and also on the conditions of our life. So, lack of work or worries can reduce desire, and career growth or pregnancy, on the contrary, affect libido favorably. With the help of our questions, try to figure out what determines the degree of your satisfaction today.

“When, during what period of my life was my sexuality at its peak?”

Sexual satisfaction is due to our ability to receive pleasure in general. And the general background of life affects this ability. “First of all, it concerns health,” insists Irina Panyukova. — Chronic stress, overwork, poor sleep, lack of vitamins, anxiety and depression are typical for residents of megacities. And very often all this turns out to be connected with dissatisfaction with sexual relations. That does not characterize the relationship itself. When we are very tired or not in very good physical shape, our desire is objectively reduced, and sensual pleasures bring less joy, even if the sex itself is as good as it is.”

Do you associate the intensity of your sensations with age, with a certain partner, with some period in the past? Perhaps this is just an excuse to avoid unpleasant questions to yourself. For some of us, happiness is always in the past, and this mental attitude is not without consequences for present satisfaction.

Was it better before? Yes, but these partners (or these times) that we so willingly idealize no longer exist…

Our partners are always the object of unconscious projections, and today’s dissatisfaction may actually be our choice: we choose to be dissatisfied. Or, on the contrary, our mindset is that tomorrow will be better?

Idealizing an unattainable paradise, we are just wasting time. To achieve sexual satisfaction, despite age, despite the passage of time, overcoming the familiarity of relationships, means to conquer the present, learn to be surprised again and find pleasure in maturity. Living here and now is much more exciting than remembering the past or endlessly postponing pleasure for the future.

«Do I measure my satisfaction by the intensity of my orgasm?»

What are we actually talking about when we apply some scales to sex? About the intensity of physiological discharge? About harmony with a partner? You can find true pleasure in releasing tension; but you can also find pleasure in merging with a partner.

“Assessing satisfaction from sex by the intensity of orgasm is the same as evaluating food only by its nutritional value,” says Irina Panyukova. Everything is important in a sexual relationship. It is known that in women the ability to experience an intense orgasm is formed with age. But even for many young women, satisfaction with intimacy is very high.”

At the moment of orgasm, the partner disappears, and we are left alone with our pleasure. And in other moments it is present, and our pleasure finds food, including in the fact that we are together.

We are constantly moving from one pole to another, and it’s not that one of the two types of pleasure is stronger. When partners trust each other, they are not afraid to forget themselves in order to survive (or not survive) an orgasm and return to themselves and to the other. Unless you prefer to keep your distance with your partner and judge the relationship by the strength of the orgasm…

“Which position brings me the most pleasure?”

Perhaps you like the one that goes against tradition? Or do you prefer to be comfortable and quiet? In some positions, we feel too vulnerable, too tight or, on the contrary, too active, and this can interfere with us …

“But first of all, you need to remember the purely physiological aspect,” says Irina Panyukova. “People are not exactly the same anatomically. And position can make a big difference: one or another position of the body leads to more or less stimulation of the erogenous zones necessary to achieve orgasm.

In some positions, it is easier for a woman to relax. And in men, position can affect the duration of sexual intercourse. Therefore, you should at least know in which of them you get more pleasure. In addition, many men and women prefer positions in which the partner does not see their faces. This eliminates the need to constantly maintain a «proper expression» and allows you to completely relax.

“Is masturbation my main source of joy?”

“Masturbation is an important moment of sexual maturation, a tool for self-exploration,” says Irina Panyukova. — But even in adulthood, it may well exist in parallel with partnerships. Doubts arise when masturbation is obviously better than sex.” Maybe you think that no one else really knows you and only you yourself are able to please yourself? Or, alone with yourself, do you have more freedom to relax, but under the gaze of another, this is impossible?

“Behind the preference for masturbation as a sexual practice, there may be a fear of one’s own emotions and the reactions of a partner,” continues Irina Panyukova. Autoeroticism is the way to achieve satisfaction, where there is a minimum of emotions and relationships. Is that what attracts you?

«What could enhance my pleasure?»

The answer to this question is usually associated with fantasies about a partner or the setting of a sexual act. Of course, it’s easy to blame the «wrong» partner or «wrong» circumstances for our difficulties, waiting for a prince on a white horse to wake us up, or a sex bomb that will solve all erection problems. But wouldn’t it be better to take (at least some of) responsibility for your feelings?

“The source of our pleasure is primarily in our ability to accept our pleasure,” explains Irina Panyukova. — And for this you need to know what gives us pleasure, and be able to tell your partner about it. That is, to find and formulate answers to several questions: “I am easily turned on if …”, “In order for me to have good sex, I need …” — and finally name all these “ifs” and “needs” …

“Do I tell my partner that sex doesn’t satisfy me?”

“You need to speak, but it is very important to understand how and why you do it,” explains Irina Panyukova. — Do you want to offend your partner, take revenge on him or her? To assert oneself? Harsh, derisive words can cause psychological trauma. In addition, it would be strange to give marks for each intimate meeting. Many people think that the sexual satisfaction of partners depends on whether their love is strong. This is a delusion: two people can love each other and still experience difficulties in sex.

However, if you constantly feel dissatisfied and it undermines your relationship, it is better to open your feelings to your partner. “Talk about what you like about sex more, try to orient your partner, help him,” suggests Irina Panyukova. To decide and speak carefully, with respect, choosing the right moment and the exact words, is the act of an adult, mature, responsible person. And besides, it is much more interesting to try to overcome the misunderstanding together than to exchange caustic reproaches.