We ourselves do not notice how we say or do it. Habitual words or actions to which we do not attach importance can hurt a partner and destroy the connection with him. Perhaps it’s time to change something in yourself so that the relationship changes for the better?
Is there a key to “eternal love”, to the very “living happily ever after” that we read about in books in childhood? Probably tens of thousands of articles, hundreds of books have been written about this, thousands of scientific studies have been devoted to this. But the question is too complex for a simple answer. We are all human, we all sometimes get tired and annoy each other, and it doesn’t happen that we are 100% compatible.
And yet there are a number of behaviors that we could try to give up – in the name of our relationship. In Atomic Habits, James Clear says that “success is the product of daily habits, not major once-in-a-lifetime changes,” and a habit, in turn, “is a behavior or action that is repeated regularly, and in most cases, automatically.
To get rid of negative habits, you should first learn to notice them.
What hurts our relationship
1. Act like you’re not in a relationship.
We all have heard more than once about how important it is to maintain independence in a couple, to remember yourself, your desires and feelings. But this can be overdone. Think about this: are your work and hobbies taking up all your time so that your partner gets nothing at all? Each of us wants to feel connected, to feel that he is seen, appreciated and loved, communication with him is valued. And in a relationship, this should be a priority.
2. Always “sit in the passenger seat”
The other extreme is being too passive, constantly needing direction, instructions and reminders: don’t forget to take out the trash, tomorrow you have a dentist, on Saturday we go to visit … You are not a child who needs constant supervision. And if you find it difficult to remember information, start writing it down in a notepad, or better, in an online planner to get notifications. It’s in your best interest: an active partner is always more attractive than a passive one.
3. Missing the opportunity to get somewhere just the two of you
Relationship experts unanimously talk about how important it is, even if you have been together for many years, to arrange regular dates for yourself. If your partner reminds you that you have a romantic evening planned for today, and what you want more than anything else is to stay at home, lie on the couch with a book or a TV series, then you are doing something wrong and it’s time to take the initiative into your own hands. Move away from the usual scenario, come up with a different format and rely on high-quality communication – certainly not about children, household chores and work matters.
4. Focus on your partner’s bad habits
Even a loved one is likely to have habits that annoy you, such as leaving wet towels on the bed or scattering socks. But you know that your loved one is too busy or distracted. And, in the end, this is not a sign of dislike for you. But do you have the patience to calmly point it out? Do you make remarks in a friendly and matter-of-fact way? Are you pestering him or her with moralizing and criticism?
5. The need to always be right
The desire to ensure that you always have the last word, the need to prove you are right (even if you are really right) irritates others and harms relationships. In addition, this is a sign of not too developed emotional and social intelligence.
6. Obsessed with your own phone
Have you ever sat next to your partner and watched him giggle while looking at the screen, smile at other people’s jokes without sharing them with you? Then you probably understand how annoying it is. Try not to do the same. And if you realize that you would be more willing to spend the evening alone with your smartphone than with a partner, this is a reason to be wary. In the end, think about the fact that the phone will not hug you in the evening after a difficult day and will not pour coffee in the morning, it will not be your support “both in sorrow and in joy.” So put it aside and pay attention to the person who is ready for all this.