6 books about painful self-love

Narcissism in the usual view is excessive love for oneself, behind which a person does not see the feelings, desires, needs of the people around him. In fact, narcissism is a personality disorder, and what others take for narcissism, self-absorption, is just an external manifestation of a powerful mental defense – from heartache, self-doubt, fragile identity. Nathan Schwartz-Salant, a teaching analyst at the New York Association for Analytical Psychology and one of the most famous Jungian researchers on personality psychopathology, describes the theories of narcissism from the perspective of classical and Jungian psychoanalysis and methods of working with people suffering from narcissistic disorders. (Class, 2007)

2. “Psychoanalytic Diagnosis” by Nancy McWilliams

A basic textbook on psychoanalytic personality diagnostics, in which only one, but very informative, chapter is devoted to describing the narcissistic type. The American psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams shows the most characteristic features of narcissists, the similarities and differences of this personality type from others (hysterical, depressive, schizoid …), the prevailing emotions and affects, drives and defenses, the most typical relationships with other people; how a person perceives himself, how others see him … Nancy McWilliams is sure that without knowing these features, it is difficult to understand another person, and for a professional to choose the right direction in counseling. (Class, 2006)

3. “Infernal web. How to Survive in a World of Narcissism Sandy Hotchkiss

Demonstrating a sense of their own superiority, narcissists, like no one else, are dependent on the opinions of others, they greedily catch approval and admiration, they are destroyed by any, even insignificant, criticism. They envy those who know how to enjoy life, but they themselves are not able anywhere and never to establish themselves in a sense of their own significance. American psychoanalyst Sandy Hotchkis talks in detail about the deepest problems of people with narcissistic disorder. She analyzes not only the signs, but also the origins of narcissism, describes behavioral strategies that can be applied in relationships with narcissistic children, lovers and colleagues. Her practical advice will be useful to many. (Class, 2010)

4. “The Drama of a Gifted Child” by Alice Miller

The bestseller of the Swiss psychoanalyst, the world’s largest specialist in the problem of child abuse, Alice Miller, is dedicated to narcissistic mothers and their impact on children. Having a traumatic experience and suffering from basic shame, such mothers unconsciously use children to maintain “narcissistic balance” and raise self-esteem. They see their child not as he is, but as they need him to be. They use his abilities and talents not for the sake of his development, but for the sake of satisfying their need for social recognition. The narcissistic child quickly realizes that in order to earn the love of his mother, he must do what she likes. The fulfillment of the role imposed on him provides the child with the “love” of the mother and a certain security. Even as adults, such children continue to live in subordination to parental needs and are not able to develop an independent idea of ​​themselves. (Academic project, 2015)

5. “Beware of the narcissist! How to deal with these narcissists.” Joseph Burgo

Some narcissists are just self-centered and deaf to the feelings of others, while others are really dangerous, they create chaos in our lives, take revenge, humiliate and devalue their loved ones, deliberately causing pain. But to treat them with mockery and contempt means to answer them in kind, and to empathize is sometimes beyond our strength. “All you can do is understand them,” concludes Joseph Burgo, an American psychotherapist with 30 years of experience. He reveals the mechanism of narcissistic trauma and describes how narcissists protect themselves from unconscious shame. The author gives so many vivid life examples that in the end you will definitely learn how to identify real narcissists among your acquaintances and learn how to communicate with them. And also – you will understand that we have much more in common than differences. And being aware of your own narcissistic traits is just as important as noticing them in others. (Alpina Publisher, 2016, coming out in October)

6. “Psychology of the narcissistic personality. The Inner Child and Self-Esteem by Catherine Asper

Summarizing various psychoanalytic theories on the psychology of narcissism, as well as her own clinical experience, the Swiss Jungian analyst Katrin Asper concludes that the cause of narcissistic personality disorders is a violation of the relationship between mother and infant. If a mother is unable to capture and meet the true physiological and emotional needs of her child, he experiences this as rejection and feels abandoned. To avoid these unbearable feelings, he is forced to adapt to the expectations of his mother, giving up some important parts of his personality. And as an adult, most likely, he will feel inner discord, emptiness, “self-alienation” and not understand their cause. The author of the book, using practical examples, shows how Jungian psychotherapy helps those who suffer from narcissistic disorders. (Dobrosvet, KDU, 2013)