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You are not going to leave, but you want to understand how things are in your couple. Are you experiencing the feelings you dreamed of? Are you getting the support you need? This questionnaire will help you understand what is good in a relationship and where are the shortcomings (if any). Results can be summed up one or two.
What are the main advantages of your couple? Where do difficulties come from? What can be salvaged or improved in a relationship, and what can’t? To explore these questions and understand what is happening, the questionnaire, which was compiled by three leading couples therapists: psychoanalyst Robert Neuburger, psychotherapist Patrick Estrad and sexologist Sylvain Mimoun, will help to explore these questions and understand what is happening.
You can answer questions alone or with a partner. Take your time, give yourself time to think about the answers – and let them be as sincere as possible. Write them down so you can re-read and supplement as needed.
Feelings – Appreciate the power of your love
When conflicts escalate, the feeling that we are not understood increases, resentment accumulates, and it is difficult to realize what we really feel for a partner. But feelings are the basis on which love stories are built. If they weaken, the whole building will shake. Sometimes you want to stop everything, saying briefly: “I don’t love him (her) anymore, it’s over.” But this radical conclusion expresses a desire to end a difficult situation rather than to part with this partner. Hence the first piece of advice: don’t jump to conclusions – go step by step, not trying to predict what will happen next, and not succumbing to impatience. Start with the following questions:
1. If you could solve all problems, do you think love would rise from the ashes like a phoenix?
2. Do you feel like you wish each other well?
3. Are relationships and what surrounds them very important to you, despite the problems?
4. How do you feel when you imagine that you will no longer see your partner and that the rest of your life will pass without him?
5. Do you feel loved/accepted just the way you are?
6. What do you get more – reproaches and criticisms or words of approval and support?
7. Do you often tell your partner about what you value in him, what attracts and touches you? And he?
Couple love and culture
The love of a couple is all those feelings that two people have for each other, explains Patrick Estrad. Culture is everything that these two build together: a place to live, a way of life, a family that includes parents and relatives of both partners, as well as their values, ideals, plans, trials, memories. It is possible to lose attachment to a partner – this is the collapse of love – but remain attached to the culture of your couple, to what is created together with a partner. By keeping this distinction in mind, we can better understand what is no longer suitable for us – a person or a way of life – and whether we are ready to do without one or the other.
Recognition and encouragement
The ability to express affection and emphasize the merits of a loved one are elements necessary for a loving feeling to last a long time and for living together to be pleasant, the therapist says.
Communication – identify misunderstandings
This is a reality that everyone can observe: how communication between two people actually happens is an unmistakable indication of the degree of closeness in their couple. However, “the life of a couple is paved with misunderstandings, complexities and misunderstandings,” recalls Robert Neuburger.
Digital and analog communication
Human communication is inherently complex, notes the psychoanalyst. The fact is that we use two methods that complement each other, but do not coincide: “digital communication” (words to be interpreted) and “analogue communication” (intonation, gestures, postures). In couples that get along with each other, speech and facial expressions are easily deciphered. But in those couples that do not get along, misunderstandings, misunderstandings and misinterpretations arise all the time.
Communication failures
Added to these difficulties is what psychologists call “communication dead end” (everyone wants to express their point of view, while feeling that they are not understood or listened to), or communication falsifications (secrecy, “lying for good” or just lying , hypocrisy, disinformation). To understand how you communicate with each other, ask yourself the following questions:
8. Are you satisfied with the way you communicate as a couple?
9. Do you have a feeling that you understand your partner, and he understands you?
10. Do you think that there are significant shadow areas in your communication – topics that are difficult or impossible to talk about?
11. Do you happen to deliberately hide certain actions and thoughts from your partner?
12. Have you ever deliberately lied to him?
13. Do you think your partner can hide something from you and even lie?
14. Has your couple ever been exposed to deliberate lies by either partner?
15. If so, how did you deal with this situation?
PROXIMITY – Measure the distance between you
Intimacy is both a feeling (“they understand me, I can take off the mask, there is agreement between us, sometimes we understand each other without words” …), space (house, apartment, room) and time (which we, as a couple, dedicate to “ feel good together.”
Feeling close
Being intimate with a partner means feeling safe, feeling that he supports and accepts you the way you are. What is the correct distance in a pair? “Be close enough that your partner can touch you, and at the same time far enough that he can surprise you,” Patrick Estrad replies. To understand what distance is in your pair, answer the following questions:
16. Do you feel like your partner is really listening to you?
17. And you – do you really listen to him?
18. How often do you share with each other what excites you, makes you laugh, fascinates or bothers you?
19. Do you feel that your partner accepts your small flaws and oddities kindly / with humor? Do you reciprocate this with him?
20. Are there thoughts, facts, or actions that you do not tell anyone or tell someone other than your partner in order to save the relationship?
21. Does your partner’s familiarity (gestures, words, behavior) make you tender or does it annoy and conflict?
General area
The place where we live speaks eloquently about us. The arrangement of the interior can tell a lot about the ability of a couple to create a harmonious common space, taking into account the personal needs of everyone, including children. And how are you?
22. Is the place where you live tailored to the needs and tastes of each partner?
23. Are there rooms in the common space (pieces of furniture, things) that your partner has imposed on you and that you cannot stand?
24. If you had to live alone, would your place to live be radically different or basically the same?
25. How is the interior similar to your couple?
Couple time
Intimacy takes time to develop and strengthen. But in reality, the time that should be devoted to a couple is often spent on family, work, friends and leisure. Those who want to make relationships more harmonious should consider them one of the priorities. Is that the case for you? Here are questions that will help you understand how your desires differ from reality:
26. Do you often postpone joint plans (going out together, travel, time spent together at home) due to a request or demand from outside?
27. Do you feel like you don’t have enough time dedicated to couples?
28. Do you and your partner give yourself time to be apart, alone with yourself?
29. If you had the opportunity to spend more time together, how would you use it?
30. Do you have household chores distributed in such a way that it satisfies both?
SEX LIFE – Check how satisfied you are
When it comes to sex life, each couple writes their own score and moves at their own pace. The frequency or duration of intimate meetings is not important – what matters is the satisfaction of each and the ability of partners to talk about the changes that one of them may wish. Sylvain Mimoun offers you these questions:
31. Does the frequency of intimate contact suit you?
32. Do you feel during sex that you are not only desired, but also respected?
33. Do you (sometimes/often/all the time/never) feel bored?
34. Do you (sometimes/often/always/never) agree to have sex just to please someone else?
35. Do you (often/sometimes/always/never) agree to certain practices just to please your partner or give in to their pressure?
36. Would you like to make changes in a couple’s sex life? If so, which ones?
37. Do you feel close and understanding with your partner when you talk about your sex life?
38. What would you say about your sex life – is it generally satisfactory or does it have problems?
39. If everything continued as it is now, would you say: “everything is going well” or “something is missing”?
PLANS – Identify common desires
A couple is a living, developing organism in which partners try to combine personal self-realization and happiness together. Plans are an integral part of a couple’s life, they express their vital strength, as well as the degree of involvement of each in a common life. One of the difficulties is to combine general plans and personal ones. Reflect on this as you answer the questions:
40. Do you have at least one joint plan (vacation, leisure, work, family)? If not, why not?
41. This plan is regularly repeated, is it akin to a habit? If yes, do you enjoy it?
42. Do you find that your partner is investing enough in the future of the relationship? And you yourself?
43. Does important plans in the family always come from one person? If yes, is it right for you?
44. Does your partner usually accept your suggestions for joint plans well?
45. Does your partner support your personal plans?
After you have explored your feelings, communication, intimacy, sex life, and plans, ask yourself additional questions:
46. Did you start this exploration of the life of a couple willingly, with a desire to better understand your couple, to contribute to their happiness?
47. Have you been surprised by any positive aspect of your relationship that you were not aware of?
48. Did any negative aspect surprise you?
49. Did the partner also answer all these questions? If not, why not?
50. What do you feel at this stage – enthusiasm or anxiety? What are they related to?
Put your problems on the table
Once the questions have been asked, it’s time to face the difficulties. Advice from a couple’s therapist can help deepen understanding of problems and begin to resolve them.
The questions must have evoked a lot of thought and emotion. If everything is going well in the relationship, you enjoy it, they make you happy and support you. You feel that the connection with the partner is established and works well. And the future promises to make it even stronger. But if your couple is going through a period of crisis, you are probably sad because you clearly saw the parts of the relationship that cause pain or inconvenience. But do not rush to conclusions, give yourself time to relax. This is necessary, because the study of relationships requires effort. “And then write down everything you feel without softening the words,” suggests Patrick Estrad, a psychotherapist and couples therapist. “Fears, doubts, anger, sadness, guilt…”
Trust your feelings to paper or a page on a monitor. Having found peace, with clearer thoughts, you will be able to listen to what desires you have: continue or, conversely, end relationships, set boundaries, make demands … But do not rush to make a decision. After all, you still do not know anything about what path the partner has traveled. Maybe he is in denial about the problem or avoids self-observation. But it can also be the other way around: he seeks to correct the situation and is ready to change more than you think.
Independent work
Put aside material matters and what you know about your partner’s desires. It’s about you and your aspirations. Start by finding out what is in your life that you are thinking, “I don’t want this anymore!” From here you can draw a conclusion about what you want for yourself. To figure it out:
- Reread the answers. Emphasize what seems most important to you in different areas of the relationship (feelings, communication, intimacy, sex life, plans).
- State what you don’t like. To do this, make a list of “I don’t want to anymore …” (for example: “I don’t want to be reproached or silent in response to my words”). Let it contain as many points as you need.
- Write down suggestions. What can you do yourself to improve the situation? Write ideas next to each “I don’t want to…” again.
- Consider how much you want to work on the relationship. “Do I still have motivation (at least a little)? Do I still believe in this relationship? Do I still want to believe in them?
- Think about what happens: “Which do I want more – to stay in a couple or to leave?”
“I want to end the relationship”
Are you sure? Explore the question:
- Am I ready to leave the whole world of my couple: relatives, mutual friends, habitual lifestyle, place of residence?
- What is my desire for a break based on? Am I tired of long conflicts? I feel that the relationship has outlived itself, and this can not be fixed?
- If the relationship changed and became satisfactory in all areas, would I want to continue the journey with him (her)?
- Do I want to leave for a while or forever? Parting for a while brings hope, we want something to change. And the final break is the complete end of the relationship.
“I would like to stay in a couple”
You refuse to leave, despite the difficulties that arise. Think:
- What is behind the desire to be in a couple? Fear of being alone? Feeling guilty towards children? Desire to preserve material conditions? Love?
- Will continuing the relationship require me to make sacrifices? Will I have to give up what matters to me (values, plans, personal freedom)? Will I have to accept the conditions set by the partner?
- Is there a willingness to review my life and think about what I can change in myself to improve the situation?
- Will the partner also want/be able to change something and change?
- Finally, make a list of everything you’re not ready to give up. And, accordingly, everything in which you want to see changes.
“I’m getting ready to talk to him (her)”
Give yourself time to rethink the “preliminary decision” before talking to your partner. Do some inner work to calm the emotions that can overwhelm you and interfere with communication. Take a constructive position: avoid raising your voice, reproaching, hurtful remarks. You met to talk about you (desires, boundaries), and not to judge a partner. Your task is to solve a common problem.
Work for two
Agree on the environment in which to conduct a conversation – it is better that it be a neutral place, a meeting outside the home (in a restaurant, on a walk). Agree that you will share thoughts and feelings with each other without trying to convince and maintaining mutual respect. If something goes wrong, postpone the conversation and reschedule the meeting for the next time.
In such a conversation, there must be three stages, Patrick Estrad emphasizes:
1 Stage: my condition. Have each one in turn (without interrupting each other) briefly summarize the conclusions regarding each area of the relationship (feelings, communication, intimacy, sex life, plans). Dedicate one or more meetings to these topics as you see fit.
2 Stage: what I would like to change. Have everyone say what they think has become unbearable in a relationship and share suggestions for what can be done to make things better.
3 Stage: my desire. Let each tell the other about his desire (at least the one that is at the moment): “I would like to continue the relationship” or “I would like to end the relationship.”
Relationship building is a process that takes time and perseverance. Don’t be afraid to set up more meetings and re-negotiate the conditions under which you can have a dialogue. If your conclusions differ, or if you cannot speak calmly, contact a therapist to benefit from his experience and guidance.