Woman’s Day interviewed 100 female graduates and found out which phrases of parents infuriate them the most. Natalya Oreshkina, a psychologist and mother of her teenage son, explained why we, parents, say that and what to do about it.
“Boring? Take care of the cleaning. “
“Stop browsing your phone, better get busy.”
“You won’t go for a walk until you do your homework.”
Remember, first I do – you watch; then we do it together; then you do, I help; then you do it yourself. The zone in the child’s apartment and his belongings is his territory and for you to touch and manage there, to indicate how it should be is taboo! This is his territory. Cleaning – together, business – together (ask for help). You won’t go for a walk – that’s right, it’s time to do it, an hour’s fun. However, let the child rest, his workload at school has already increased, hormones and a complete mess in the “picture of the world” “hit” his head.
“Oh, do what you want!” (After this phrase I don’t want to do anything at all).
You can say this if you have already voiced the repertoire of possible actions and you feel that the child does not perceive your words. Really perceives. After these words, most likely, one of them will come. In general, it is better to discuss the consequences of all possible courses of action.
“Don’t forget to vacuum.”
“Go get some bread.”
“Download me books from the Internet.”
Walk the dog.
The child does not owe you anything and does not owe you anything. These are your responsibilities as stipulated in the Constitution. Try to make your instructions look like a request and write better – he will forget. All adult responsibilities are outside the scope of interests of adolescents a priori. You are not raising service personnel. Distribute responsibilities in the family and argue.
“Have you put on a hat?”
“Dress warmly.”
Definitely. You are responsible for the life and health of the child, but what to wear – let me choose. He doesn’t want to put on a hat, let him take it with him.
“One skin and bones.”
“Didn’t you eat anything again?”
“What did you eat?”
“Why are you eating sweets? Eat normally at first. “
“Stop losing weight.”
“But because you need to eat.”
“Eat, I’ve already reached it.”
Start a tradition of eating with your family. The food should be tasty and attractive. Try to understand what is happening with the child. If you feel that something is wrong, go to the specialists!
“All your friends do (wear, eat, watch, read, etc.), and you do.” And then you say: “Well, everyone does this,” and they answered: “You are not everything.”
Take the bar higher! Refer to fashion stars for examples. Don’t you? Glossy magazines help, they are in trend among teenagers.
“Go, just not for long!”
“Where are you going?”
“You only spend the night at home, you will not be seen during the day.”
“Friends are more important to you than us?”
Are friends more important to teenagers? Naturally! One of the tasks of adolescence is to learn how to communicate with their peers, find their niche in the team, be able to defend their interests, and compete. If your child does not learn how to do this, then he may become unsuccessful and notorious. Do not understand who you are friends with, and are you worried? Invite his friends for pies and you will be in the know. And in general, remember yourself. We all disappeared in the courtyards all day long. And, if today there is a chance to call on the phone and find out how and where your child is, our parents did not have such an opportunity. So what? Did you dislike your parents? However, there is a curfew, I referred to it, and when my son reached the age of 16 and presented a document of local legislation, I had to refer to the Constitution of the Russian Federation, which says that a child is under 18. This method excludes your responsibility for the time limit.
“Are you going to sleep today?”
“Everyone, go to bed, tomorrow at school.”
This happens when a child is preoccupied with something, carried away. A computer before bed is definitely a ban. Games disinhibit the nervous system, and you won’t be able to fall asleep quickly, even if you want to. If your child has increased anxiety, talk to him, maybe a bubble bath or massage can help. And enter the rule: the question “How was your day?” will allow you to be with your child in contact and close relationship.
“You are already an adult, you have your own head on your shoulders.”
“She’s the youngest!”
“Well, you be smarter, calm down first!”
This is the fate of all the older children in the family. It will be better if the hierarchy is built logically – the younger ones obey the older ones, and the problem will be solved.
“So, Madam, I don’t like your behavior.”
“I need to talk to you very seriously.”
Well, do not scare so, there are enough teachers in the school for directive methods. With this word “madam”, as well as the transition to the full name and first name and patronymic, you distance yourself, and a confidential conversation will not work. Do you need to speak out or do you definitely want to shout? No? Do you want results? Change your tone.
“And we talked!”
“I couldn’t think of anything better ?!”
“Mom will not advise bad.”
“It’s all about the computer.”
Better to say, “When you do this, this is usually the result.” Just remember that. As I could, I figured out how much experience allows, or rather, its absence. Watch the computer yourself, this is an unambiguous regulation that is not subject to discussion: determine how much time and when the child can spend at it. And if, because of your busyness, you close your eyes to the fact that the child is sitting in online toys, this is your fault.
“Why are you making a mistake?”
“Dash, don’t scratch.”
Such answers are possible if the child has lost the sense of the reality of what is happening. I’m sure if you say so, the child will have a stupor and a break in patterns. But it will bring you to your senses, return to the “here and now”. Otherwise, this is unacceptable. Children will behave exactly like you, remember this.
Transparent. Say exactly what you mean. If you are worried about whether your child has collected everything, teach him how to make a list and collect things from the list. Give the kids more tools, teach them how to do it, and then ask. The skill is not fixed – we are moving on to the “do together” strategy, and so on.
“When you get married, then …”
“You will give birth to a child, then …”
“When you raise your children, then …”
“When you retire, then …”
“If you get married, then you will be clever!”
“Grow up – you will find out”
“When you live alone, then get yourself at least 10 dogs.”
Such phrases are an empty phrase for a child. This is what parents say, who have no arguments, then everyone becomes personal and shows power. Find more interesting arguments. Don’t know what to say? Give yourself time to recover and calm down, read books on the topic, talk to a friend. Find arguments and talk to your child calmly. Listen to him first and try to understand. Talk about responsibility, give an example from your own life.
Silly question for a teenage child. Don’t make the first feelings and rehearsal of relationships with the opposite sex grotesque. This is serious work for your child. How many strategies and tactics do you use with your other half? Give your child the opportunity to live bright feelings, not burdened with mockery from the closest people.
“The appearance of a car in your life will interfere with your studies.”
The car must be earned or earned. If a child is doing well and demonstrating responsible behavior, there is no cause for concern. If he likes to skip school and enjoy life more than strives for self-development, then, of course, it will interfere.
“Work in the organs is not a woman’s business.”
We are all different, I know many women who have made careers in the organs. It all depends on motivation and family values. Career guidance will give adequate answers, and not someone’s subjective opinion.
“You have to study at” 5 “, otherwise they won’t be hired.”
You need to brag to your friends, and when applying for a job, an insert with grades is of no interest to anyone. No need to cheat on your child, find other methods of motivation. I had this: “Before you take exams at the academy, you will have to present a report card with grades. Even if you are at least 10 times gold, the one who will initially evaluate the candidates for selection will not even know how good you are if there are bad marks on the report card. Grades give more opportunities, ratings, raise self-esteem, talk about you as a person who strives for his dreams and knows how to “take” heights ”. Ask why the child has poor grades, maybe he has a conflict with the teacher, or maybe he needs your help and additional activities.