We all live in society, therefore, no matter how much we want to close ourselves off from the world, we still have to communicate with other people. But in the age of modern online services that provide remote access to solving many issues, we are losing our communication skills. Psychologist Kristin Hammond has compiled a list of questions to help you assess your level of communication effectiveness and see if there is room for improvement.
Kevin and Karen came to me for a couples consultation. When I asked what the problem was, both of them resolutely answered: in communication with each other. I admit that as a psychotherapist I did not take their statement seriously. The reason is simple: most couples who come to couples counseling have problems communicating with each other, otherwise they would not need therapy. Many couples use the phrase “communication problems” as a convenient excuse to avoid talking about really serious problems: infidelity, alcoholism and drug addiction, domestic violence, psychological trauma, severe grief.
However, if we don’t take communication problems seriously, we risk missing out on some valuable aspects of therapy. Many clients are sure that “problems in communication” exist exclusively with a partner, and few are ready to admit this shortcoming for themselves. Meanwhile, the ability to effectively build interpersonal communication is extremely important. In the age of Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, communication skills are being lost, many do not even understand what really effective communication is.
50 questions will help you find weaknesses in communication skills.
So, does it happen that you:
- Are you interrupting your interlocutor?
- Build dissatisfied grimaces when the interlocutor speaks?
- Are you passive-aggressively poking fun at the other person instead of saying what’s on your mind?
- Are you afraid to talk about your real feelings?
- Do you analyze every word of the interlocutor?
- Do you withdraw into yourself in conflict situations?
- Do you always attribute the worst possible meaning to the words of the interlocutor?
- Jump to conclusions without waiting for the full information?
- Are you sure that you know in advance what the interlocutor will say, without even giving him a chance to speak?
- Do you interrogate your interlocutor by asking questions that need to be answered with “yes” or “no”?
- Are you missing non-verbal cues?
- Mentally pronounce what you would like to say, but do not say it out loud?
- When someone is talking, do you think about how to respond instead of listening?
- Do you ask clarifying questions before speaking?
- Do not quote the words of the interlocutor before expressing your opinion about what was said?
- Do you allow emotions (anger, anxiety, guilt) to control the dialogue?
- If the interlocutor is dissatisfied or upset, do not let him calmly leave?
- Do you always respond to criticism with criticism of the interlocutor?
- Don’t plan ahead what you’re going to say and how best to say it?
- Do you easily take responsibility in order to quickly end an unpleasant conversation?
- Do you apologize even when you’re not at fault?
- Are you blaming the other person for your emotional reaction?
- Are you looking for the shortcomings of the interlocutor in order to avoid responsibility?
- Are you physically stepping back from your interlocutor because you are afraid of him?
- Are you threateningly approaching the interlocutor, trying to intimidate him?
- During a conversation, do you perform involuntary obsessive actions – squeeze one hand with the other, straighten your hair, scratch yourself?
- Do you avoid making eye contact with your interlocutor?
- Are you using threats to prove you’re right?
- Do you give ultimatums to an interlocutor who does not agree with you?
- Are you trying to use sarcasm to make the interlocutor understand what you want / do not want?
- Do you offer the interlocutor a choice of two options: yours and an extremely unacceptable one?
- Do you often remind your interlocutor of past grievances?
- Are you trying to use the shortcomings, past mistakes, illnesses of the interlocutor against him?
- Do you move the topic of conversation from an unresolved conflict to something else in an attempt to avoid discomfort?
- Refuse to admit guilt, take responsibility, apologize?
- Do you consider yourself smarter and better than your interlocutor, are you sure that you are right without sufficient reason?
- Refusing to step back a little and look at the big picture?
- Do not thank the interlocutor for the fact that he openly shared his feelings?
- Are you crying to get what you want?
- Quickly switch to an aggressive tone if you can’t get your way?
- Do you share the details of the conversation with strangers?
- Sharing your partner’s secrets with strangers without their permission?
- Promise to do something, knowing that you will not keep the promise?
- Refusing to talk about your thoughts and feelings?
- Do you lie to the other person to hide your real thoughts and feelings?
- Are you lying to your interlocutor, afraid of his reaction to the truth?
- Are you cheating on your partner to avoid intimacy?
- Refusing to accept the help of a third party to resolve your differences with your partner?
- Do not set a time frame for discussing conflict issues?
- Do you violate the personal boundaries of the interlocutor because you do not agree with him?
To learn how to communicate better both at home and at work, you can either check yourself against this list yourself, or pass it on to someone close to you and ask them to evaluate you from the outside. The answer “yes” to any of the questions means that you have something to work on.