When an existing couple breaks up, it is difficult and painful for both. As well as subsequent changes in lives. Sometimes these problems push us to renew relationships that seemed to have exhausted themselves not so long ago. Why shouldn’t this be done? Explanations of psychoanalyst Fabien Kremer.
1. Threats
You left, but the partner does not agree with your decision, he blackmails you emotionally, and in the worst case, threatens suicide. You are afraid that without you he will not cope with the situation. This pity is dangerous, be careful!
Fear that the other will collapse as a person, and guilt should not be the basis of a love relationship. You should not renew them out of compassion. Moreover, this leads to an underestimation of the independence of the other: perhaps you want to close your eyes to the fact that he is quite capable of living without you — and it is possible that even better than before. There is something overly selfish about seeing yourself as absolutely indispensable in someone’s life.
Such a return can also be colored by jealousy: here we are not talking about love, but about the instinct of possession. It’s frustrating to find that a breakup opens up new possibilities, and that someone we thought was super-fragile is quite up to the task of life. To imagine that the other cannot live without us would also mean depriving him of the opportunity to choose for himself whether to be with us or not.
2. Habit
Sometimes relationships are toxic: the other person lacks empathy, we feel like we are constantly underestimated and mistreated. And yet we return. Why reopen past wounds and doom yourself to new suffering? Because at least it’s familiar territory. We seem to start the same piece of music again, of our own free will return to the position of the victim, into which the painful part of the psyche pushes us, reproduce the well-known scenario and re-live what has already happened once.
It is as if we cannot part with past suffering — it seems that in this way we will lose something important, some part of ourselves. And yet, one should decide on such a loss and break off these relations. You can fall in love with someone you don’t deserve, it happens. But you should not enter into a relationship with him again — this is destructive, such a couple has no future.
3. Social pressure
Being together again means celebrating the New Year again in warmth and comfort, without relatives who condemn or sympathize: “Poor thing, how hard it is for you! Last year, you gave him such a cute scarf, and he was pleased … «The temptation to avoid such situations can lead us to our previous relationships — besides, this will allow us not to lose mutual acquaintances, not to meet supposedly disinterested looks:» How is she (or does he manage there?”…
But it’s not worth it. Of course, parting overturns the whole way of life, holidays and birthdays. But this trouble can be overcome. We should tell the whole environment that the separation took place, share it, even if at first we think that we will be able to change nothing, not lose anything. Someone else’s approval, an opinion about who we should be with, and even the opportunity to go on vacation again in the company of the same married couple with whom we went last time, it’s not worth suffering in your own couple.
4.Children
That’s definitely a bad reason to come back! What children really need is to grow up in a happy couple or with a happy person, but definitely not for their parents to stay together for their sake and be unhappy at the same time. This is too heavy a burden for children. They need clear rules and love. This is really important, even if the divorce of adults becomes a source of great concern for them.
This is indeed a difficult time, but it will be much harder for children to bear the burden of the sacrifice made for them. How will they pay for it? Even when separated from each other, parents remain father and mother to their children. Children benefit if mom and dad know how to behave during a divorce. But they do not need to be with both parents under the same roof in order to feel good.
5. Comfort
Of course, at first, parting leads to costs — including money. But to explain the resumption of relations with economic difficulties? This is implausible and ambiguous. Without a partner, our standard of living drops, it is true, but is the ability to keep a three-room apartment and a car really the path to personal well-being? Creativity will get there much faster.
The problem is not so much in money, but in sitting down at the table during the conflict and calmly discussing everything that worries us. Deep down, we know that the hardest thing about breaking up is saying goodbye to the blueprint for the future we might have with our partner. To calmly end a relationship, you can remember that parting makes us poorer, but in a new relationship we will become richer in every sense.