To buy a service, but not to use it, waiting for the visit of the English queen – we are used to waiting for better times. But, postponing life for later, we lose the most precious thing we have – time. Forbidding ourselves everything, what can we remember in a couple of years, except for fuss and illness? Psychologist Tatyana Tsvetkova explains how to learn to live here and now.
I’ll give you an example. My daughter turned to me
“Mom, I want to wear a red ballroom dance dress for my birthday.”
“No,” I immediately replied.
“Why?” the daughter asked.
“It’s for dancing.”
“So when to wear it? Once a year, right? the child said indignantly.
I thought: what’s the problem? Wear it and be happy. Dirty, can be washed. Automatism worked: to postpone for entering the competition, in other words, until better times! And if for some reason these times do not come, the dress will remain hanging like a dead weight in the closet.
We know that in the cycle of thoughts, expectations, projections we postpone our lives for later. Other examples can be given:
- I will buy an apartment / cottage, then I will live happily.
- If I earn a lot of money, I will be a respected person.
- I will finish high school, make a career and only then I will be able to have children.
- I will make myself beautiful teeth and I will be able to conduct webinars.
- I will throw off 20 kilograms, then I will establish a personal life.
- When my children grow up, I can devote time to my favorite hobby.
- When I retire, I take a rest.
- Save up for a car, then I can quit.
Every time dreams are broken about the illusion of expectations. There is a solution, but for this you need to work on habits and automatic reactions. The psyche is so arranged that everything is easier to start on Monday. Why? We taught her that way ourselves and taught us that way. In psychology, there is the concept of “postponed life syndrome”.
5 ways to start living in the here and now
1. Ask yourself questions
- What do I see at the moment?
- What do I feel now?
- What or who is around me?
- How do I plan to solve something now?
- What else can I do for…?
Stop yourself and ask: “What is happening now?” The focus of attention is directed to the present, and where attention is, there is energy.
2. Declare the situation positive for yourself
Declare any situation that seems negative to be positive. You literally shock the brain with this statement. How can the disruption of a planned vacation be positive? He begins to look for an explanation and confirmation. Immediately enhance the effect by applying the advice from point 3.
3. Find the good in every situation
We continue with the vacation example. We did not fly to rest due to the illness of the child. Imagine what difficulties you would face if the child fell ill on the spot. And so they returned part of the amount to you or postponed the flight to other convenient dates.
4. Don’t Say No Right Away
Pause between stimulus-response. Do not reject immediately, as in the dress example. Learn to say yes.
5. Maintain Consciously New Automatisms
- When you feel that you are driving yourself, life has lost its colors, interest has faded, you have turned into a robot – stop. Ask yourself the question: “Is something happening right now? What exactly?” And go back to point 1.
- When you feel an impulse (idea + desire): a thought came to your mind or you were offered something that you have long wanted, but did not allow yourself, do it right away. Don’t delay. Grow your momentum.
If you do not nurture the impulse, cherish and cherish it, then after a while it will cease to appear. You will have to work hard and get out of the soft cozy swamp, that is, to overcome the illusion of security.
When you introduce a new skill to live here and now into your life, its quality will change for the better.
- You will stop paying with the most expensive currency – time, waiting and catching up.
- Start breathing deeply and enjoy every moment.
About the Developer
Tsvetkova Tatiana — psychologist, resonant psychotherapist, master coach.