5 ways to return love

I love my husband. But what does that mean? I used to think: what happened to me 18 years ago is love. I fell in love with my future husband so much that I overcame the negative attitude towards marriage and became his wife. I thought that love is a constant, a stationary force that defines a relationship. I experienced it in the same way that most people do: as something unique, lasting and unconditional.

Of course, this power is still present between us and permeates the moments of our lives. But the work of scientists has opened a new perspective on love. From the point of view of the body, this is a short-term surge in three interrelated areas:

• sharing positive emotions with another person;
• synchronization of biochemistry and behavior;
• the desire to invest in the well-being of each other.

I call the combination of these elements positive resonance. Usually he supports himself, but at some point, short-term ties begin to weaken. This is inevitable, this is the mechanism of action of emotions.

It is not easy to admit, but in terms of the body now, at the time of writing the proposal, I do not love my husband. Positive resonance lasts as long as we are emotionally or physically connected to each other. Attachment remains, but love does not.

The good news is that love is a renewable resource. Our connection creates a sense of security in the relationship — it’s a good breeding ground for moments of love.

A new look at love pushes us out of the state of contentment in which we take it for granted and encourages us to take care of it daily. It motivates us to hug each other, share an inspirational idea or a funny picture during breakfast.

Practice and learn to awaken feelings at any time. You will ensure health and quality relationships for yourself and your loved ones. Five ways to help you.

1. Look into the eyes

When distance separates you, you try to keep in touch. Call, write emails, send messages. The human body is not adapted to abstract love at a distance. He needs more. It longs for the moments of togetherness that occur when people synchronize and behave as one organism, moving in the same rhythm.

When you enter into resonance with a person, find yourself on the same biological wave, such a connection is one of the basic conditions for love. Therefore, it is not unconditional. Communication is established at the physical level and develops in real time. Resonance does not tolerate abstractions or intermediaries.

The main mode of sensory communication is eye contact. Touch, voice, repetition of body language and gestures are also forms of connection that promote unity. Although in themselves sensual contacts do not turn into love, under certain conditions they become a springboard for it.

Such conditions suggest a sense of security and a positive emotional attitude. Couples can cultivate these qualities and use them.

2. Do stupid things

As part of one study, I studied how two strangers behave during the first meeting. It turned out that the non-verbal signals that people send to each other predict the overall assessment of the unity and relationship in a couple. Therefore, it is better not to go to the cinema or a restaurant, but to go dancing or go canoeing together.

A positive resonance brings together not only unfamiliar people, it helps to strengthen long-term relationships, making them even stronger and happier. One couple experienced this first hand when they took part in an experiment to study the factors that affect relationships.

They tied their wrists and ankles and told them to walk on all fours to the end of the laboratory and back, overcoming obstacles along the way. At the same time, it was necessary to hold a cylindrical pillow without the help of hands or teeth and not drop it on the floor. The task had to be completed in less than a minute. As a reward, the participants were promised a bag of sweets.

They quickly figured out that the only way to hold the pillow was to squeeze it between their bodies. The experiment became even more difficult. They fell several times and laughed uncontrollably. On the third attempt, they learned to move in sync, met the allotted time and won the prize.

But not all couples had so much fun during the experiment. For other subjects, the organizers prepared boring unhurried tasks. The hands and feet of the participants were not tied. They took turns slowly crawling on the mat and pushing the ball in front of them.

Scientists confirmed the hypothesis: couples who completed fun tasks awakened deeper feelings in themselves. They noted an improvement in the quality of the relationship, showing more understanding and less hostile behavior in subsequent discussions.

Such activities strengthen feelings of love and unity, even if the partners have been together for a long time. Because couples who constantly try something new, exciting and silly, live in happier marriages.

3. Create a shared story

Closeness is a pleasant and safe feeling. It occurs when you know that the person truly understands and appreciates you. A mutual sense of trust allows partners to be more open with each other. Under such conditions, love blooms at unexpected moments.

Ten years ago, my husband and I were driving a car through my hometown. I was driving and trying to find my way to the store, which I had only been to a couple of times before. I made a mistake and turned the wrong way, we drove into a dead end. I stopped the car and stared at the front of the store. I hung for only a few seconds, but my husband found it funny.

«Stuck on a gravel road?» he teased me. And we both laughed at my reaction. My husband used this phrase many times to tease me for my slowness in unexpected situations. He knows me very well and understands that surprises take me by surprise.

He does not consider it a disadvantage, does not criticize or get angry because of it. My feature has become a family joke. This love not only quickly brings me back to life, but also strengthens our bonds. The people you love give you a shared past, security, trust, openness, and plenty of opportunities for intimacy.

The more open you are to each other, the more common ground you will find. You will have more reasons for laughter, common interests, calmness and enjoyment.

4. Appreciate the good

A colleague and I have been studying how kindness and understanding circulate as a couple and create moments of positive resonance. And we found out that some people know how to thank better than others. A feeling of gratitude arises when you acknowledge that a person has worked hard to make you feel good.

Many give thanks for the item or service they received. But it is best to use a good deed only as an occasion for gratitude, to emphasize the good qualities of the person who did it.

Show your partner that you see and appreciate his personal qualities in good deeds. This way of gratitude is more effective: the partner feels that he is understood, appreciated and taken care of. It boosts self-esteem and helps you feel better in relationships.

Saying thank you is not a tribute to etiquette. Gratitude helps to show love and strengthen relationships.

5. Accumulate positive emotions

Marriage management expert John Gottman advises couples to hoard shared positive emotions. They will help you through difficult times. He found that couples in which positive emotions prevail over negative ones are better at coping with contradictions and resentments.

When discussing difficult issues, they do not respond negatively to negative. Instead, they show care, recognition, or hope. This creates space for a constructive conflict resolution. Couples with a rich history of positive resonance are better equipped to defuse the emotional bombs that each partner has.

You can accumulate positive resonance and use it later. Small investments in your «contribution» do not disappear. They accumulate and pay dividends in the form of long-term resources that can be used in a difficult situation.

About the author: Barbara Fredrickson is a psychologist and author of Positivity: The Upward Spiral That Will Change Your Life.