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Why does it hurt when we are rejected? Rejection creates a gap in our self-esteem: we feel unnecessary, superfluous. But you can work with this state. Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen offers five ideas to help you look at rejection from a different angle.
The refusal itself means that right now our expectations have not been met. Each person can count many situations in which he was refused: someone was not given a visa, someone did not get his favorite job, and someone heard “no” from a loved one.
But you can react to this fact in different ways. Some give up and lower their bar. Others try again, with renewed vigor. What can be learned from the latter?
1. Quantity turns into quality
According to Gallup polls, on average, each smoker makes more than three attempts to quit smoking. Every attempt, even a failed one, is a new experience.
Each time we learn a little more about ourselves, our capabilities and limitations. It’s the same with failure: whatever your goal, you have to go through a phase of failure in order to achieve sustainable results.
In order to get a new job, we will have to listen to the phrase: “You are not quite suitable for us” several times in a row. To find a partner – an offer to remain friends, a short “no” or even a puzzled look. Do not get hung up on experiences, think that every failure brings you closer to your cherished goal.
Inventor Alexander Bell once said very accurately: “When one door closes, another opens. And we often look at the closed door with such greedy attention that we do not notice at all those that are open to us.
2. Rejections (like misses) make us prettier in the eyes of others.
Oddly enough, the history of failure can play into our hands. Psychologist Elliot Aronson came to this conclusion back in 1966. He observed the behavior of the spectators, who evaluated the two participants in the intellectual competition.
The first was confident and answered most of the questions correctly, the second was confused and generally made an unconvincing impression.
At some point, one of the players spilled coffee on himself. If a loser did it, the audience didn’t sympathize with him. But if a competent player made a mistake, they sympathized with him even more: now he seemed more “earthly” and humane.
Your failures are what keep you alive. Consistent success generates distrust, but failure creates a sense of drama and empathy. Treat them with humor, make fascinating stories out of them – this way you will make them work for you.
3. Refusal is the prerogative of free people
The inability to say “no” is a sign of self-doubt. Low self-esteem prevents us from feeling our worth and forces us to turn to other people in order to “earn” the right to exist.
On the contrary, refusal is a free choice of a person who knows his own worth. The ability to accept refusal is the flip side of the ability to refuse.
4. Look for constructive meaning
Sometimes we are rejected directly and rudely. But sometimes rejection can contain grains of life wisdom. The main thing is to see them. Remember that refusal is always more honest than consent given under pressure or out of a desire to maintain good relations.
5. The hardest thing is not rejection, but waiting
Most often, it is uncertainty that causes anxiety and feelings of powerlessness. We count the hours and minutes as we wait for a letter, a phone call, or a knock on the door.
Anxiety is growing, causing us to imagine worst-case scenarios. In such a situation, any answer becomes a relief: at least the lingering silence is broken, and you can move on.
Remember, rejection is part of real life. It only means that the door is closed. Instead of banging your head against it or crying at its doorstep, you can go in search of another – open.