5 ways to build relationships as a couple

This happens to everyone, but this will not happen with us: after all, no one has ever loved anyone as much as we love each other! However, a month, a year or two passes, and violent feelings, tenderness and passion are replaced by sluggish quarrels and constant irritation. Thoughts that love has passed do not give rest, and it seems that only a series of gloomy, dreary years awaits ahead of both.

Alas, no one can guarantee eternal love. The feeling that you have met a person who is infinitely valuable to you, next to whom you have found yourself real, comes from the very depths of our personality. This feeling cannot be “constructed”, it is not subject to the will.

But our greatest delusion is to think that partnerships end when love is gone. In fact, men and women break up because they lose something else — a sense of respect for each other.

The transition from all-consuming closeness to mutual respect is a difficult period in the life of a couple. Respect implies distance and is perceived as the opposite of love. Hence disappointments and doubts: should we continue to be together?

There are several ways to help overcome them and start a new life — with the same person.

1. Tell each other what you like about your relationship

The best time for Olga is those moments when she and Andrey are at home, together, and he tells how his day went. And she hates when her husband “gets stuck” in the computer, does not hear her invitations to the table and comes to dinner when everything has already cooled down.

Andrei loves to travel with his wife most of all, to visit and attend exhibitions — he generally loves to be with her. But the question «Where were you today?» he is incredibly annoyed — he prefers to start the story about his affairs himself.

For six years of living together, Olga and Andrey have never spoken about what they like and what annoys them in their relationship. However, many couples do not discuss such stories: everyone assures himself that the partner himself will guess everything. But this, of course, does not happen. As a result, one suffers in silence, while the other, thinking that everything is in order, continues to behave as usual.

Start a conversation about the best and worst in your relationship before «I don’t like» becomes «I hate».

There is less anger and pain in «dislike» — just a little irritation and bewilderment, and they are easier to control. In this case, the conversation will turn out calm and your words will be heard. You will leave room for answers to questions, save space for another.

Men are wary of talking about relationships, and women attach too much importance to them.

What worries is sometimes easier to write: take a sheet of paper and list the best and worst in your relationship, exchange sheets of paper with a partner and discuss what you have written.

Such a simple technique will allow you to get to know each other better, establish your share of responsibility for the “worst” and understand what to do to make the “better” more.

It is worth checking the vocabulary of the spouses: it happens that the same, seemingly obvious words for partners mean different things.

For example, he understands the word “believe” as follows: a girlfriend believes him, and therefore will forgive him if he commits some wrong act. And she is convinced: since she believes him, he will not commit such an act under any circumstances.

By talking to each other, partners can learn a lot of unexpected things. For example, what seemed so wonderful to both at the beginning of a relationship, now one of the two is not at all inspiring.

“We used to spend all weekends in a big company, and it was fun! Elena recalls. — But I have long wanted to be alone with Oleg, and he still invites friends to every holiday. And we always have guests on weekends.”

“Rita constantly wants to be with me, does not leave me for a minute,” Petr complains. “Before, I even liked it, but now I feel that I don’t have enough free space, and I almost hide from it, I sit at the computer.”

2. Define rules, find common goals

Many couples live as if by inertia, without thinking why they do it and what they expect from life together. But the lack of common goals can destroy relationships faster than constant conflicts.

Vera began to live with Oleg, dreaming of a big friendly family, a cozy home, and was amazed when he confessed to her that he was most attracted to regular sex in his life together.

However, if the feelings are really strong, you can negotiate and find a middle ground. This will be your joint strategic planning, the basis of which is respect for each other. The distance helps to handle relationships more carefully, without subjecting them to tests of strength. For example, for the sake of her husband’s career, the wife will agree to wait with the first child, and he, respecting her dream, will think about how to provide the family with more spacious housing — with a nursery.

Rules and rituals play an important role in a couple’s life.

They do not need to be specially designed. They already exist in your life: someone is the first to take the bathroom, someone always buys bread or pays for parking. But it often happens that one of the partners is comfortable with the existing distribution of roles, while the other one causes irritation and discomfort. Conclusion: rules and rituals also need to be negotiated.

In order not to inadvertently hurt the feelings of another, partners need to answer several important questions. Will we always be true to each other or are there options? What happens if one of us violates the established rules? Answers must be clear, otherwise emotional sediment will begin to accumulate in silence.

Alexander and Anna quarrel: at a party, the husband talked all evening with a pleasant girl, whom the owners put next to him. “I saw you smile at her and get angry!” she says. “So what do I do now, do not smile at anyone?” he gets annoyed. “If from time to time you took my hand, making it clear that you are here with me, it would be easier for me,” Anna explains.

As a result, the couple agrees that the husband can freely communicate with whomever he wants, but at the same time make it clear that he is not alone in life. Alexander agrees, and his wife calms down, feeling that she is respected.

3. Keep your personality

Let’s do a little test. How do you see your relationship today? Try to draw yourself and your partner as two intersecting circles. Is the intersection area large? Illustrate the answer to the question “What kind of relationship would you like?” with another drawing.

In the second case, most women draw circles that almost (and sometimes completely) overlap each other: many lack care and attention. Partners are always surprised when they see the «reference» drawing of a psychologist — two circles that intersect only a quarter: the scheme of a long relationship looks exactly like that.

After living together for a while, the lovers may find that they have «matched» each other so much that their personalities have changed dramatically. The desire to adapt to a loved one, to please him, to please him often leads a man or woman to lose their own individuality.

Often the so-called «crisis of the third year of relationships» is an attempt to return to yourself, your habits and values. Many people want to change jobs or start studying.

Sometimes the partner does not understand the reasons for what is happening, and feelings cool down. This is another reason for a calm, detailed conversation: after all, it was with your individuality that you once attracted each other. There is no need to lose yourself in order to save a relationship.

4. Don’t build up anger

We often hold back anger, irritation, rage, fearing that they will destroy relationships. But it is better to have a good quarrel than to grow rancor and guilt in yourself. Strong emotions do not mean that the two no longer love each other — they only report a problem that has arisen.

Anger is good because it helps us directly call a spade a spade. In this way, it is similar to a thunderstorm, after which the air becomes cleaner. Letting go of your anger, figure out what exactly caused it. And try to say this without going over to the partner’s personality.

If you yourself caused the anger, be patient and listen to the accusations the way you listen to constructive criticism: agree with something and disagree with something. An angry, reproachful person works well to show attention to the topic of conversation: “I take your feelings seriously and want to listen to you. Let’s try to talk calmly.»

But if the reproaches are fair, you will have to compensate for the spoiled mood. Igor was going to spend a quiet weekend with his wife, but it suddenly turned out that she had invited friends with children to visit. When everyone left, he annoyed and loudly expressed his claims.

The wife was surprised, but promised not to invite guests in the future without consulting him, and «as a consolation» she baked Igor’s favorite pie. When the dish with the pie was on the table, the husband had already forgotten that he did not manage to rest on Sunday.

5. Learn to thank each other

Many couples live in anticipation of something more and do not appreciate what happens every day. It would seem that what is easier is to thank in response to the participation, help or gift received. However, this unpretentious skill, and the very willingness to thank somewhere, disappear when the couple lives together for a long time.

Either you just can’t open your mouth and say: “Thank you!”, Or the words turn into some kind of formal grumbling or wordy texts, in which the more words, the less we ourselves are.

The non-everyday etymology of the word “thank you” (from the original “God save!”), as it were, hints that this is not a simple rule of politeness, but something much more important, fundamental. This feeling is called gratitude for life. Without it, the warmest words sound insincere and formal.

Thank each other for specific things — a gift, a walk, a caring gesture. If the partner guessed our innermost desire, did something nice, you just need to say: “This is so good!” And the relationship will be stronger.

Beware of typical mistakes that nullify the most sincere gratitude. This happens when phrases like: “I hope you will always do this now” or “Why didn’t you think of it before!” are added to a simple “Thank you for the flowers!”

Truly mature and deep relationships arise between people who do not depend on each other either financially or emotionally.

They could happily live separately, but these two are so interesting to each other! Life gave them a chance — a meeting with a person from whom nothing is needed, but with whom life becomes fuller.

Let him just live nearby, remain as he is … and let him be as good as me.