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If we are too focused on ourselves, it is difficult for us to connect with other people. How to “weaken” your narcissism and learn to cooperate? First you need to observe yourself, and then try these simple exercises.
Self-esteem and self-esteem for some of us are directly dependent on the thoughts and words of others. Narcissistic people have a strong need to constantly get the approval of others, but at the same time tend to talk only about themselves.
Often artistic and sociable, they easily captivate interlocutors, causing interest and even adoration. But their arrogance, lack of empathy, suspiciousness eventually cause rejection. The more successful narcissists achieve, the more obvious their shortcomings are to those around them.
Five simple skills will help keep your narcissism in check and improve communication with other people.
1. Strive for 50/50 Conversations
Observe how your conversations usually go. How much time do you talk and how much do you listen? 50 to 50 is the formula for optimal communication, when you can talk about yourself and discuss topics that interest your interlocutor. Try to achieve this ratio during one weekday and one weekend. Experiment by changing your usual communication style.
2. Look for balance: how much do you give and how much do you take?
Often we overestimate our contribution to the development of relationships. For example, at the beginning of a romantic crush, most of us tend to consider our housework to be more significant than it really is. When we are confident that we are doing at least 50% of household chores, our partner (or bystander) may estimate this contribution as 25%.
If you’re narcissistic, you probably think you have a “special right” to not invest as much in a relationship as your partner. You can also justify your lack of participation by saying that your work is more important, more difficult, or requires high qualifications.
Try to correct such biases and develop a more realistic view. And for this, ask your partners or colleagues how they evaluate your contribution.
3. Use the Three Points of View Technique
This psychotherapeutic technique is used during family therapy sessions and helps develop a less selfish attitude. To do this, you have to learn to look at each situation from three perspectives:
- What does it look like from your point of view.
- How the situation is perceived by the other person involved in it.
- As it can be seen by a neutral observer.
4. Calm down your belief in your uniqueness
Communication is hindered by our exaggerated idea of our own importance, exclusivity. For example, the belief that “others have to climb the corporate ladder, but I deserve to be at the top right away.”
Consider if you have similar attitudes. Can you feel desperation or spontaneously quit just because the relationship you deserve is not working out. If so, you have to learn to perceive yourself more adequately.
5. Use the Narcissistic Personality Inventory to Reduce Your Narcissism
The Narcissistic Personality Inventory measures your level of narcissism. It consists of 40 pairs of statements. In each pair, you need to choose one statement that most closely matches you at the moment.
When answering questions, look for areas where moving away from narcissistic views would be beneficial to you. For example, choosing from two options – “I am no worse and no better than most people” / “I think that I am an outstanding person” – the second, answer the question: “What happens if I use the first approach more often?”
And when choosing between “I can read people like an open book” and “Sometimes people are difficult to understand,” ask yourself “What does it mean for me to recognize the complexity, ambiguity of other people? What will change in my relationship if I am not so confident in my ability to accurately understand them?
And come up with three specific situations in which these changes in attitude will be beneficial to you.
About the Author: Alice Boyes is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and author of Coping With Anxiety.