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Psychologists are sure that the reasons that poison our lives are not always outside. And the unfortunate coincidence of circumstances does not always “spoil everything”: we ourselves are doing an excellent job with this task. Family therapist Janice Harmon agrees. She talks about the unhealthy thought patterns that most of us have, and most importantly, about what and how they can be replaced.
Often the cause of anxiety or emotional instability is our unhealthy thought patterns. Here are a few of the most common.
1. Black and white thinking
Philip quarreled with his mother-in-law and is now indignant: “She never hears a word of what I say!” In fact, she listened to him, but at the moment he does not remember this: he is overwhelmed with emotions.
Such thinking makes it difficult to communicate, understand each other and look for ways to solve the problem. Black-and-white thinking (or the all-or-nothing approach) limits us, does not allow us to see alternative possibilities. Instead of generalizing, try to see reality. The mother-in-law does not listen to Philip only at the moment. If he calms down a little, he will be able to remember all the times when he was listened to.
2. Attempts to predict the future
The report prepared by Maria was criticized. Girl in a panic: «I’ll be fired for sure!» First, it is possible that this is not the case. We cannot predict the future. Secondly, negative thinking provokes anxiety and stress. Try to be realistic.
Taking action can help reduce anxiety and stress
Worried that a bad report could cost her her job, Maria could discuss it with her immediate supervisor to understand how serious the problem is and try to fix the situation. Taking action can help reduce anxiety and stress levels.
3. Attempts to read other people’s minds
They are especially destructive in close relationships. Anna and Alexander are waiting for guests. Anna cooks, counting on the fact that her husband will guess to vacuum, and when she finds out that he did not, she gets angry: “I could have figured it out myself! I told you I can’t do anything!»
Anna counted on her husband, but he did not know about it. You could ask him for help.
4. Ignoring the positives
The brain is more inclined to notice the unpleasant, which means it’s easy to focus on the negative. Lisa and Max had a great time at the cinema. On the way home, they began to discuss how much to pay the nanny who looked after the children. Lisa offered the amount, Max did not agree, the couple argued. “Well, the evening is ruined! You just have to argue!» Lisa exploded. They ended up going to bed angry at each other.
Both the film and the trip to the cafe after the session are forgotten. Max and Lisa let just one unpleasant moment ruin the evening, but they could once again remember how they had a good time.
5. Generalizations, labeling, insults
We often call ourselves or others losers, fools, lazy people. We didn’t get the position we dreamed about — we consider ourselves losers. The child did not clean the room, in our hearts we call him a slob.
Negative Labels Hurt and Damage Self-Esteem
Such definitions are incorrect. Just because we didn’t get a job doesn’t make us losers, and a kid who spills clothes all over the floor doesn’t have to be sloppy and lazy. These labels hurt and damage self-esteem. Believing that others also consider us failures, we may decide that there is nothing to try to achieve something.
Unhealthy thought patterns often harm us and those around us. By replacing them with more constructive ones, you can increase self-esteem and improve communication skills.