Ideas about what a “healthy relationship” is are not built into us from birth. They are formed on the basis of how communication was built between parents and how parents built communication with us when we were young children.
Young children lack general knowledge about the world and are unable to critically assess their environment. They are helpless and dependent on their parents or guardians, forced to accept relationships with them, no matter how bad they may be, in order to survive.
Relationships with parents or caregivers in early childhood set the pattern for all relationships that we will strive to repeat. Let’s look at five typical roles or relationship scenarios due to childhood adversity.
1. Distrust. Those who grew up in an atmosphere of chaos, unpredictability, constant stress, bullying, often in adulthood can hardly trust anyone. As a result, it is difficult for them to build relationships. Often they are sure that you can’t trust anyone, that all people are selfish, no one will ever care about them, you can’t rely on anyone and you have to do everything yourself, others will definitely hurt them, etc.
It is difficult for them to establish an emotional connection with someone, it is difficult to open up to another, share feelings and believe that another can have good intentions and can tell the truth.
2. Idealization. Another typical pattern is the idealization of others, especially romantic partners or authority figures. Those who lacked love and attention in childhood project fantasies of parental love onto other people important to them.
Many of those who were bullied in childhood, whose needs were neglected, take out their heartache on others.
They hope to find that perfect «parent» who will give them unconditional love and turn out to be the one they dreamed of. Often they represent others not as they really are, but as they see in fantasies. As a result, they easily fall in love, but eventually become disappointed, realizing that the object of adoration is not too similar to the image that they created.
3. Excessive control. Many of those who were bullied in childhood, whose needs were neglected, take out their emotional pain on others. For example, they try to control their lives, while violating personal boundaries. Thus, they unconsciously try to compensate for the feeling of powerlessness (that is, lack of control) that they experienced in childhood. Or they take revenge on the whole world, doing to others in the same way as their parents did to them in their time — small, weak and defenseless.
Often they are overly critical, intrusive, unceremoniously climb into other people’s affairs. Usually they fail to maintain an equal relationship based on mutual respect, and they are looking for a weak-willed and dependent partner for themselves.
4. Dependence on others. Addicts usually have self-esteem issues. They also suffer from learned helplessness: they feel (often justifiably) that they are not capable of much of what every full-fledged adult can do. Therefore, they find themselves a “surrogate parent” — they enter into relationships with narcissists or other control-prone personalities who solve problems for them and organize their lives, which is tempting for an addicted person. In such pairs, one partner always plays the role of a subordinate, and the second — the boss who makes all the decisions. Unfortunately, such relationships are doomed to failure and bring misfortune to both.
5. Self-sacrifice. Sometimes it’s just a kind of «dependent» pattern, though not always. Such a person has been taught from childhood that his own needs, needs, desires, preferences, feelings and goals are not important, and his task is only to please others. He adopted this behavior.
By comprehending and internally processing this experience, we can gradually free ourselves from the imposed patterns
In adulthood, he usually feels an inner void if he cannot find someone to care for and who will give his life meaning. At the same time, he usually cannot really take care of himself, is passive, suffers from a lack of motivation and is sensitive to the assessments of others. He often carries a colossal burden of unfair responsibility (false shame and guilt), and he can be easily manipulated by those who are inclined to use others for their own purposes. Such a person does not know how to maintain a relationship with another without sacrificing himself and without suppressing his needs.
Although childhood experience has a huge impact on thoughts, feelings and behavior, nevertheless, comprehending and internally processing it, we can free ourselves from imposed patterns. This is a difficult task, and many are not ready to take on it, continuing to suffer. But you can make a strong-willed decision to start working on yourself and not give up when difficulties seem insurmountable.