5 (un)childish questions about family changes

A stable family, warm and predictable relationships with close people, agreement between mom and dad are the main things a child needs. “Predictability is what makes the world safe and trustworthy for a child,” explains child psychologist Galia Nigmetzhanova. If this stable structure falls apart, the child feels great anxiety.

This is always expressed in different ways: one stops sleeping soundly, the other begins to behave aggressively, the third is constantly naughty. Older children may have problems at school, with teachers, peers …

What is the best way to help children during a period of change?

1. Share change together. It is advisable to do this in advance, anticipating the child’s questions, and – together. It will be better if the parents tell the child about the upcoming divorce together. About a new marriage / marriage and expectation of another child – together with your new partner. If the question is about the relationship between half-siblings, then half-siblings should also be invited to participate.

The child will see: there is agreement between adults, they do not hide anything from each other. Pair agreements, for example, between mother and son, behind the back of the rest of the family, usually become the starting point of conflicts, splits.

2. Agree. But before talking to the child, adults need to discuss all the difficulties among themselves and take an agreed position, as much as possible. The child should not be a tool for clarifying relations between adults.

3. Calm down. A stable emotional state is a necessary condition for a conversation with a child. He needs to see your confidence: it allows him to feel that the world is not collapsing. “Infection” with negative emotions is a poor companion in the discussion of such an important topic as life changes.

4. Confess your love. Behind many children’s questions lies the main question for a loved one: do you need me? Won’t you leave me just like daddy (mother) did? Therefore, all answers should end with a manifestation of love, care, tenderness, confirmation that you will always be with him.

5. Draw the future. Children rarely expect deep conversations from us. They need stability and predictability in everyday life. The more “earthly”, concrete, everyday connotation the conversation has, the more reliable support the child receives.

Be sure to tell us what his daily routine will be like now. Who will take him to the garden, who will pick him up from school, check his lessons, feed him lunch. Even before the trip, it makes sense to tell him what toys he can take with him, where you will live and what you will do.

If you are expecting another child in your new family, say: “When your brother/sister is born, caring for him will require a lot of time and attention. But you can always turn to me (dad or mom) with a request: “I would like to be alone with you.”

We’ve put together a few common questions that children may worry about when their parents divorce and other family changes. The situations are commented by Galiya Nigmetzhanova.

STEP BROTHER AND SISTER

“My new brother, my stepfather’s son, tells me what to do. He is the eldest. Should I listen to him? He’s not native!” Petya, 9 years old

Psychologist’s answer: At this age, when relations even between siblings become especially explosive, instructions from a stepbrother can be simply unbearable. But be that as it may, there are rules that must be observed under any circumstances. If the elder brother asks to leave his room / not to take his things without asking / to provide him with the conditions for the case – he is right. And in this case, his request must be fulfilled. But all family members have the same rights.

The rest of the requirements can be clarified, negotiated or said “no”, but with reason. Should parents get involved? It is best if the parents first invite the children to agree among themselves – unless adults have witnessed a situation of obvious humiliation or aggression. You can offer the children this option: “You have 5/10 minutes to agree. If your dispute turns into a violent quarrel or fight, we enter the room and make our own decision.”

NEW FAMILY

“Mom wants me to call my stepfather dad. But I don’t love him. And where is my father, I don’t know.” Misha, 6 years old

Psychologist’s answer: The child may not call the stepfather the father if he does not want to. But I know that in some families, adults put pressure on children for some reason of their own. For example, native and adopted children live together in the same house, and the father wants everyone to call him the same.

Pressure is a special kind of violence against a child. Which can be avoided only in one way – two adults agree among themselves, perhaps with the participation of a specialist. In severe cases, the child can seek help from other relatives (grandmothers, uncles and other relatives).

DIVORCE

“Mom and dad now live separately. I like visiting my dad and his new wife. And I want to celebrate the New Year there. But my mother won’t let me.” Masha, 8 years old

Psychologist’s answer: The girl should talk to her dad about her desires. And ask him to agree with his mother. But the child should not act as an intermediary with adults between whom there is no contact. This burden is heavy for him.

In general, the main rule for parents when a child lives in two houses is not to scold each other behind their backs and not to put them in a bad light in front of the child. “Your mother will never feed you like that,” my father says with a smirk. “Your dad must have loaded you with a 35th box of legos to bribe you?” mother says derogatoryly. There is nothing worse than this.

With all the other difficulties of living in two houses – with a change of regime, different living conditions, nutrition – the child is able to cope.

MOVING

“We moved to another area, and I was enrolled in a new school. Now I can’t see my girlfriends. I miss you a lot and cry. What should I do?” Katya, 12 years old

Psychologist’s answer: Missing your friends is natural, and Katya’s grief is very understandable to me. Everyone faces it. Talk to your daughter about her friends, look at photos, remember stories from their lives.

Also, be interested in what is happening in her new class and in general at school. Are there interesting guys, what does she like in the new team and what does not. If the child, in principle, does not have serious difficulties in communicating with peers, then contacts will improve at the new school. It just takes time to get used to the unfamiliar surroundings.

DAD IS GONE

“Dad has a different family now, and a little baby was born there. He rarely calls and has not come for a very long time. I’m afraid he’ll soon forget about me.” Sveta, 6 years old

Psychologist’s answer: Unfortunately, among fathers and mothers there are people who are unreliable, unpredictable, and they can really forget about the child for a long time. In such a difficult situation, the emotional stability of the second parent is extremely important. When you are calm and happy, the child will also stop taking this situation too sharply.

In no case should you deceive your daughter, reassuring with the words: “Dad remembers you, he’s just very busy.” Difficulties cannot be called temporary: if dad does not even remember the birthday of the child, how can you be sure that everything will soon be resolved safely? Why support this illusion in a child?

Don’t judge your father in any way, neither embellishing him nor judging him. Say what you have: “You have me, mom, and I love you. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with dad. Maybe it’s hard for him right now, I don’t know. But I am ready to make our life as warm and comfortable as possible.”

And an older child, 12 years old, can be offered: imagine that you have grown up and can tell dad whatever you want. What would you say to him? Write about how you feel now in your diary. Then, when you grow up, you will show your diary to your dad. Or you can talk to him about these topics.