5 types of toxic relationships with parents (and how to fix them)

It seems strange to many to control the boundaries in the family: why make up rules, let everything develop naturally. But the habitual behavior of older and younger relatives does not always correspond to our idea of ​​a better family. To understand what connections need to be revised and improved, psychotherapist Jenny Miller in the book “Personal Boundaries. How to establish and defend them ”suggests to start with an exercise:

Exercise “Describe your family”

Write down the names of your parents and older relatives (grandparents, foster parents and other people of the same age who were involved in your upbringing). Each family member needs a separate sheet. Under the name, write the answers to the questions:

• What do you call this parent? (Options: mom, dad, grandpa, by name and patronymic.)
• Is he alive
• If yes, how well do you know him on a scale of 1 to 10? (1 – name only, 5 – meet once a week, talk on general topics, 10 – you can talk about everything.)
• Did he say he loves you?
• Do you love him?
• Чувствуете ли вы его любовь, находясь рядом или далеко?
• Can you share with him everyday and material problems (for example, money)?
• Do you feel like a child next to him – good and obedient – or do you disagree with anything and rebel?
• Do you allow yourself to argue with him (which is completely normal)?
• Was he dissatisfied with you as a child or now?
• Do you want him to change and become like someone else – a real, fictional or fictional character who combines the qualities you want?

Now reread the notes. From the answers it will become clear how attentive your parents were to you, how much you rejected their attention or with what pleasure you received it, and how well you know each other. Let’s check if they belong to one of the following categories:

• Parents like “Perfection”
• Eternal parents
• Parents are trespassers
• Ghost Parents
• Parents like “Will do”.

Parents like “Perfection”

It is impossible to surpass them. You probably live nearby, you enjoy spending time with them, you feel that they love you, and love them too. Why do you need borders? Is there anything that needs to be done about this relationship? Quite possible. Do you see it as a relationship of equals, or are you putting it on a pedestal? “These are the best parents you could wish for”, “They know better”, “They are better at this than I am”, “They are more beautiful”, “They are smarter”. Thinking about these questions, imagine a pedestal and parents on it – how high is it? What does this mean for you? How do you feel when you think the bar is too high for you?

Suppose that the father builds a successful business, and the mother is a school principal or was an ideal housewife. Regardless of gender, idealization of parents reduces self-confidence. But in order to take them off the pedestal, one must not destroy it, but develop oneself.

How to set boundaries?

Make a list of everything that makes you different from your father and mother. Write what you like about yourself or what you can do better. Build an imaginary border around yourself, inside which you will find and study your “I” without external influence. Find a way to be yourself — a travel blogger, a business coach. Build your life trajectory, taking into account the strengths and personal virtues that someone from your friends and acquaintances necessarily told you about.

“Forever Parents”

Some of us are well aware of what this means: eternal parents do not force a career. On the contrary, they make it clear that you can stay at home until you decide what to do. Mom is still cleaning and cooking, and dad will always fix the car, drive to work or pick up from the guests. After a divorce in middle age, you can return home, where nothing has changed.

What’s wrong with such parents? They should be admired: “They are so kind, they do everything for me and are happy that I love them.” Only now, young men from the category of eternal children do not know how to prepare even a cup of tea for their girlfriend. And after the wedding, women call their mother to find out how to turn on the washing machine or how to make up after a quarrel. In a word, if you are no longer a child, then it’s time to start building relationships in an adult way.

How to set boundaries?

Make a list of everything you need to master: how to use a kettle or manage your bank account. Knowledge is power and confidence. Learn to politely decline help: “Thank you, but I think I should learn to do this on my own, right?” You are afraid to upset your parents, but it is quite possible that they will even be happy. And you will notice that the connection between you will grow stronger.

Parents are trespassers

They constantly invade the territory of the child (from physical and sexual abuse to a categorical opinion about any aspect of your life: friends, career, and the candidate for whom you should vote in the elections). Such people will read a child’s diary without embarrassment. And without any embarrassment will discuss teenage sexuality in the presence of strangers. They choose your occupation, fill out the documents for you, agree to pay for tuition and support only if you enter a particular university. Religious beliefs, diet and even lovers dictate.

Нарушителей границ можно сравнить с бактериями, проникающими в каждую клетку тела. Ваша граница подобна коже, и им ничего не стоит просочиться сквозь нее, как бы вы ни старались дать отпор. Обычно дети стараются оторваться от таких родителей как можно быстрее: чаще ночуют у друзей, поступают в университет подальше от дома или уезжают в другую страну. Но пока они не поймут, от чего убегают, то не смогут сопротивляться контролю, под которым выросли: приезжая в гости, будут возвращаться к детскому шаблону поведения.

It is important to remember that neither biological relationship nor role in the family obliges us to associate with anyone against our will. You are in charge of your life and have the right to decide who you let into it. And to change your relationship with parents who violate boundaries, do the following exercise:

Exercise “Invasion Spectrum”

Draw a rainbow. Assign one color to each aspect of life:

• Health
• Intimacy (non-sexual physical and psychological intimacy)
• Career
• Finance
• Friends
• Lovers
• Values ​​(politics, religion, etc.)

With a black pen, shade the colors of the aspects your parents invaded. Hatch with different intensities: for example, parents controlled friendship completely, and values ​​​​only partially, even if they had a noticeable effect. So you get a visual representation of the presence of parents in your life.

As you look at the spectrum, think about which aspects of the intervention made the most difference. To get started, try to deal with one thing. Suppose that you are not satisfied with their instructions about your appearance and sexuality and this hurts you.

How to set boundaries?

To resist the demands of parents, you need to gain confidence. Daily short affirmation phrases are suitable for this. Their positive effect is scientifically proven. Here are some examples: “Looking good is not the most important thing in life”, “I like myself”, “I am proud of my strong body”, “I decide what suits me”, “The stomach says nothing about my personality”.

If you have been on a diet all your life, then use this word as a key word in your formulations. Get rid of the scales without hesitation. Do not exaggerate the importance of appearance to those you can influence. Emphasize the importance of emotional sensitivity, kindness, and education in your speech, and not just appearance.

Change the subject every time the conversation with your mother turns to diet, and laugh off the criticism, then the situation will gradually change. If the mother steps up the criticism, be direct: “I think too much about what I eat and how I look. I do not like it. I ask that instead of food and appearance, discuss something else.

Remember, defending the boundaries is not a dissertation defense, with explanations and examples. It is enough to say what you want. Not everyone feels confident in such conversations, sometimes doubts arise: “I won’t be able to say that,” “She won’t listen to me,” “Talk uselessly,” or even “It will only get worse.”

All trespassers are different. It is easier to agree with some than with others, besides, much depends on the subject of discussion. But in any case, fear is no excuse to delay talking. And even if the consequences are unpredictable, you have to start somewhere. Be bold. Even a slight strengthening of a small border is a step towards peace of mind and health.

Ghost Parents

These are absent parents. Unavailable either physically or psychologically. They show almost no interest in the child, and for him they also seem to not exist – physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. They can send a seven-year-old child to a boarding school or not participate in his life at home.

Despite external friendliness or severity, their relationship is based on indifference. Like the trespassers, their intervention in the child’s life varies: they show interest in some aspects of it, and are completely indifferent to others.

How to set boundaries?

Obviously, the decision depends on the degree of absence of the parent. Most likely, you think that everything was fine. Perhaps you have many friends who have the same parents. We do not propose to fight for the attention of parents. One of the hard lessons of growing up is that no one can be forced to love you and spend time with you by any means.

Let’s figure out what to do with the influence of such parents on your life. An honest internal dialogue is required. You’re probably thinking, “I’m fine. And everything was good at school. I have many friends. I don’t see a problem.” What did ex-partners say to you during quarrels? Maybe: “I never know what you’re thinking”, “You’re too independent”, “You don’t need me”, “It’s not clear how you feel”, “You don’t show emotions”, “You don’t relate to anything. seriously”, “You need friends more than me”, “You don’t need anyone but yourself”.

Remember how you felt when you heard it. Can you admit that it is difficult for you to get close? What do you know how to build long-term relationships? Describe your ideal parents: imaginary, book characters, or real people, such as a friend’s parents. You can draw a portrait next to it or stick a photo. Make a list of their qualities that you like: loving, strict, funny, calm? Which of these qualities do you have? Do you love yourself enough? Are you taking care of yourself? Could you be that kind of parent?

Come up with a phrase and repeat it to yourself every day as your own parents, such as “I’m so glad I have you” or “All my time and attention is at your disposal.” And ideally, to neutralize the consequences of living with ghost parents, you should allow someone else to take care of you and see your weakness. Your neglected inner child will breathe a sigh of relief.

Parents like “Will do”

If these are your parents, then they are not far from the almost perfect “good”. Such parents are usually completely in control of one thing and ignore the other, sometimes too strict and violate boundaries or, conversely, keep their distance. What to do in such a situation? It can be difficult with them, but sometimes you seem to get along well. However, it is worth working on any relationship, making it warmer and more harmonious.

How to set boundaries?

First, determine if you want more or less parental presence in your life. Now let’s think about how to do it. If they often help you, such as walking the dog or taking the kids to school, then try to communicate when nothing is required of them. For example, invite them to have coffee together. Or keep them company in their hobbies: gardening, walking in the park or shopping.

With good parents, there are enough quarrels and pleasant moments, so the boundaries with them are flexible. Make communication more comfortable for yourself. Do not look for excuses: “It just so happened, you can’t change your parents.” Any relationship can be improved, and in this case it is up to you.