5 traps for parents

The son forgot his physical education uniform at home – do you put off all your business and take it to school? Do you allow your preschooler to play with the gadget while waiting in line, for example? Buying your daughter a gift as compensation for going to the store with you? Chances are you’ve fallen into one of the typical parenting traps, says Darlene Sweetland, a clinical psychologist with 20 years of experience.

With her husband, also an experienced clinical psychologist, Ron Stolberg, she co-authored the book Teach a Child to Think. In it, the authors describe five common behavioral patterns that parents unwittingly use when trying to keep their son or daughter out of trouble.

If a parent understands the trap and finds a way to avoid it, they can make a difference. It is of fundamental importance, psychologists remind, whether you help your child develop skills that will make him more independent.

1. The Help Trap: Parents bail out kids

This is probably the most common type of trap. It is unbearable for adults to watch from the sidelines how their children try to solve the problems that have fallen on them or how they worry if they cannot cope with any difficulty. As a result, parents often come to the rescue of their child – and do everything for him.

The more often adults help out a child, the more likely it will become habitual and expected for him. He will grow up with the belief that this is how it should be, that others should solve his problems – and will lose the opportunity to learn how to overcome difficulties on his own.

What to do?

Learn to resist the temptation to “fix everything.” Give your child a chance to deal with the problem on their own. Discuss possible solutions. Ask which solution he would prefer. Let him try to make it happen. Let your older teen look for a solution on their own, but be prepared to provide emotional support.

2. The Impatience Trap: Parents immediately satisfy all the needs and whims of children

Parents believe that they are obliged to promptly respond to the requests of children. As a result, they are not able to show patience and do not know how to wait – even an insignificant expectation causes them anxiety and uncertainty. It is hard for adults to see children in such a state, and often everything ends with the fact that they immediately decide the question – who does not want to instantly make their child happy? However, as a result, the habit of getting quick results is fixed in children.

What to do?

Regularly ask the child to wait and let’s understand what you are doing and after what period of time you can help him. This will help him understand that the activities of parents are also important. The younger the child, the shorter the waiting period should be. And do not rush to hand the gadget to the child in line – let him look for a way to take time. Do not immediately buy the thing that interested him. Let him do something useful for the family to deserve it.

3. The pressure trap: Parents push their kids forward too fast

Every parent proudly talks about the achievements of their child. School teachers, coaches, grandparents, parents of other children – all around set up parents that their child is simply obliged to achieve superiority in everything.

As a result, fathers and mothers go out of their way to help children become the best students in the class, the best players in the team, have the most friends and feel like a leader in everything. Often, such good intentions lead to the fact that the child ceases to cope with stress and loses self-confidence.

What to do?

Dreaming about the well-being of children, parents often forget that it is based on feelings of confidence and self-esteem. Children achieve success and become happy not because they started to play music early or learn a foreign language. The main thing is that they do what they are really interested in and feel your support.

Remember, all children are different. Just because extra effort and more complicated programs helped someone, it doesn’t mean that they will be equally useful for others. Try not to overload the children beyond measure. Everyone has their own potential, and one of the tasks of parents is to ensure that the child uses the opportunities provided to him and does not deplete all his resources.

4. The provision trap: Parents never deny their children anything.

Adults do not want their children to be worse than others and feel disadvantaged – and give them smartphones, toys and fashionable clothes just like that, for no reason. The child quickly gets used to the fact that he can always get the material goods he needs or does not need, without making any effort.

What to do?

Instill in your children the idea that the money you need to buy must be earned. With this approach, you do not refuse, but offer options with which a son or daughter can fulfill their desire.

“Yes, the video game that Sue bought is really great. And it would be great if you could play it together. Let’s find out how much it costs and see how you can get the money to buy it.”

“I love these jeans. But they are too expensive. Let me give you as much as I am willing to spend on them, and then we will discuss how you can earn the missing amount.

Trying to earn the right amount for an expensive thing, the child learns the value of money. He will also understand that not all desires are fulfilled immediately, learn to cope with difficulties and plan.

5. The Guilt Trap: Parents react impulsively out of guilt or insecurity.

A serious problem in the educational process is the feeling of guilt. Whether it is some kind of prohibition or a refusal to comply with a certain request, parents know what causes displeasure in the child. And the blame for his negative emotions is often placed on himself – there is a temptation to succumb to this feeling and give the child what he asks.

Another reason to repent is the excessive workload, it causes a desire to somehow compensate the child for his absence. It happens in all families from time to time, but when such behavior becomes habitual, difficulties arise. Sometimes children try to make their parents feel guilty in order to get as many gifts as possible.

What to do?

Try to get into the habit of “Jolly Friday” – or any other day. The main thing is that the parent and child are free from duties like cleaning, washing or doing homework.

And when the child asks to play with him, you can say: “Great plan. Let’s put it off until Happy Friday. If he wants to invite friends home, you can say: “Great idea, just in time for a “fun Friday”.

The child will know that the plan will still happen, and the adult will feel inspiration, not guilt. And he can also relax on this day.